Nosy friends/family

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All the freaking time. Granted I am only 18, but on any given day when being introduced to yet another "family friend" the first things that come outta their mouth after the usual pleasantries are as follows:

(In an ever so casual tone) "So, you got a boyfriend?"
At this point in time I'm usually a thousand miles away and yet simultaneously wondering why this should be any of their business this early in the conversation. Thus, I reply with a firm "No" which then prompts this wee bit of audacity: "I could set you up with a boy, you know?"
And once again I can't help but find myself wonder what it is they see in me that seems so very desperate (or interested) for a boyfriend.

I hear many people are getting married in their early 20's. What's the rush for commitment? I would have barely started living at that age, why must I marry?
I guess what I'm sayin' is that you shouldn't be ashamed. If anything people will view you with admiration for your patience and devotion (although they'll never admit it, so I've first-handedly been told), and yes, I absolutely know what nosy people are all about - you have my sympathy or at least my patience so you don't end up choking these people.

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The only person that would ask me when I was going get a girlfriend is my mother. Now that she knows that I have AvPD she doesn't ask any more, knowing it not that simple for me.

Ravin and Sugarfoot, your both young. So start work on over coming AvPD first. Then work on romantic relationships. Remember that you worthy of someone's love.

They stopped asking a long time ago, probably around mid college, I am 31 now. All my answers to that issue were just dry and mechanical, and that line of questioning always ended up in me shutting them out until the conversation steered elsewhere, so no one does to me anymore.

Of course I was also partly convinced of my own reasons, which were only part of the defense mechanism. Of course i wanted a girlfriend, but I couldnt picture myself in a relationship, with in laws, dinner parties, xmas, the whole thing made me anxious just thinking about dealing with that.

You really need to work on your confidence as a person, or in this case as a girlfriend, mother, person, lover, friend, ... but at the same time you have to realize the next step is only to become a girlfriend, no one is going to demand anything else from you, dont think about what you can or cant do beyond that, because its irrelevant and will only lead to one big negative avoidant answer.

What does it take to be a girlfriend? not much, not even loving or sexual skills, thats why people get together as bf-gf, to learn. Think of it as enhanced frienship with a particular person. If it goes sour, then thats that, you will be sad for a while, he will be sad for a while, then you both will bounce back and be happy you went trough that experience.

Its really simple if you think of it.

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For the most part my parents stopped asking me when I was going to get a girlfriend. Although every now and then my dad still makes a joke about me dating, when I leave the house and don't say where I'm going he will say "oh whats her name?" It makes me really uncomfortable.

Back when I still had friends to hang out with they never really talked about it but kind of knew I was loser and didn't date. When they would talk about women I just wasn't part of the conversation.

Ravin wrote:See, I don’t think it’s possible to ever truly overcome AvPD, at least for me personally. Since I can ever remember I’ve had AvPD tendencies. It’s not just something I can get rid of. Now that’s not to say I can’t work towards lessening the severity of my AvPD, but it’s not something that’s ever going to just magically vanish completely. There will always be the presence of that little AvPD voice inside my head that I’ll struggle with to varying degrees.

I agree.

Ravin wrote: And like I said, I don’t really know if I want to be involved in a romantic relationship, and not just because of AvPD, though that plays a part in it. I was diagnosed with a gastrointestinal disease 4 years ago. It’s caused me a lot of physical pain, and that just saps the energy out of me a lot of the days. I may technically be young, but I feel pretty old health wise more often than not. I don’t know if I’d want to burden someone I care deeply for with these problems every day. They certainly wouldn’t deserve that.

OK, I might offend you here. You shouldn't make excuses. I'm not good looking enough, I'm not cool enough, I'm not well educated, or in your case, I'm ill, I will be burden. These examples of the lies we avoidants tell ourselves to stop us from getting involved with someone. I don't how much pain you are in. I take it you are well enough to attend college, so things can be that bad.

Ravin wrote: And yeah, I think my confidence is hiding under my bed at the moment. I tried luring it out with a candy bar the other day, but would you believe it just wouldn't budge? I'm going to try using cookie dough ice cream as bait next time and see how that goes. Wish me and the cookie dough luck.

Sometimes you have to drag it out from under the bed kicking and screaming.

Yeah, in most cases, health is a consequence of our actions. Are you eating healthy? exercising? If not, why not?

I used to feel old health-wise when I was in college, not like i was going to die soon or anything, but i had a slight notion that i was going to live less than others, like to 60 years old. I kind of found out it was only depression that was causing it, and just my dumb defense mechanisms at work as well. Now i think "ill be sick when i get sick", I dont need to worry about it until it happens (if it happens), because i have not been sick in a long time, never broke a bone, no medical condition found.... nothing, its all in my head. Except for the low energy, caused by my emotional state, i was fine.

Ravin, what you need is a plan to become emotionally healthy so you can be physically healthy too. And if you can afford it, professional help will get you there faster. Good luck.

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