I feel left behind

I seriously need help. Just to articulate how i'm feeling can't hurt.
I feel brain dead and useless right now and i keep having stupid thoughts about regrets from the past etc which are just distracting me from the central issue, my future.

I had anorexia when i was 16 and had to take a year off school, this was partly a manifestation of feeling inadaquate/ low self esteem. However, when i returned to school I had lost all my close friends who were formerly in my year. Therefore, I focused alot on schoolwork to gain some kindof acceptance or sense of achievement. This paid off academically; i achieved all A grades and an extra award in another subject. However, i was left a complete loner with no social skills.

So here I am, my parents are left completely puzzled about why i'm not going to university. All my old friends are there. My dad keeps saying 'you owe it to yourself' etc, not that he has taken a second to understand my personality.
I've been stuck in the house for 3 months now, I can't believe how quickly time passes when you're doing nothing. I'm also procrastinating about finding a job, it needs to be one with no social skills. It's such a ######6 mess, an A grade student wanting to be a shelf stacker. It's almost laughable.

Please, Please, Please give me some advice. Or tell me something i'm not seeing.

Hi there.

It sounds to me like you're in a rut. It sounds remarkably similar to a pattern in my life... where my tendency to be avoidant has caused me to shrink back from life and hide out to protect myself from harm in the outside world. Trouble is, the longer I hide out when I get like that, the deeper I seem to dig myself into the rut, and the harder it seems to get out of it.

It is hard. But most of the difficulty is in the mind, not in reality. Regrets have a way of multiplying over the years and stalling our lives if we don't forgive ourselves and scratch it up to our imperfect humanness. Perhaps it might help to write down all your regrets, and then, one by one, remind yourself that none of these things is horrible, that you are an imperfect human being and have made some mistakes, but none of these mistakes have the power to hold you back. Only the importance you attach to them have that power. Forgive yourself, and others, and let go.

Have you sought therapy? I would suggest some sort of cognitive behaviour therapy, if you can. It is helpful to talk to someone, to help guide you.

You are still young. Usually, the act of doing something, i.e., going ahead and applying for jobs, is the only thing that will pull you out of the rut. Don't wait until you 'feel' like it, that won't ever happen. Feelings follow actions. If you want to try something to help get through procrastination, break down the job search into small steps. Before you carry out each step, rate it for perceived difficulty (1-10) and also for perceived enjoyment (also on a scale of 1-10). When you have finished the step, then go ahead and rate your actual difficulty and actual enjoyment. You might be surprised at the difference, and be more aware of just how off from reality your perceptions are. This can be an effective tool. Also, set a time limit on each task - for instance, scour job listings for 15 minutes, and then stop at 15 minutes and give yourself a reward.

Something that can help lift your spirits: Think of times in your life, perhaps before the anorexia episode, when you were happy and enjoyed life. You can go back as early as you want. Try to remember what it was in your life that made you happy. Make a list of all those things, and then make a point of trying them out again now. If they made you happy then, they can make you happy now, and feel better about yourself and your life. It can also help you realize that no matter what has happened, you have the capacity for happiness inside you. You've been happy before, you can be happy again.

You need to go to therapy. People respond better to it when they are young, I wish i had gone when I was 18 or even 22 or so, and not wait til i was 30 and did nothing with my life. Who knows, maybe you will brighten up and go to college, because you should, you just have to find a way to deal with the anxiety, therapy, or pills, or your own tactics.

Good luck.

Hi, wakemeup,

I kinda know what you're going through, having lived a lot of my life in my room! It took me a lot of time to get out of it... So many wasted years. If you can, get yourself out as soon as possible, because you've just got more of this ahead of you otherwise, the low feelings of uselessness and deadness.
First of all, don't think of yourself as being left behind. You have things hard, undeniably, but fortunately life isn't a race. Most people that jump right into uni after high school end up with jobs they hate; some don't discover what they really love doing until they're 40 or fifty, and some never do. What's important is that you're always pushing yourself and learning, even in small ways, and for people like us that means things less impressive to the world but no less important to us. It could mean getting a job or even saying hi to a cashier. Even social skills can be learned with enough effort and practice.

Myself, I got some rudimentary social skills after I took a job as a sales associate. I had to greet the customers and ask how they were. I hated it, but my boss made me do it. Then after a year of working there I got to know the customers, and now and then they'd want to talk. In that way I became used to the idea of talking to strangers. It was nowhere near enough to make me feel like a social butterfly, but it gave me what I needed to function outside of the house.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, get yourself into a safe place where your comfortable, but don't forget to step out of it now and then to challenge yourself. I think avoidants tend to go for jobs they're overqualified for, to lessen the stress and competition. You can be a stocker now, if you want, but remember that you don't have to be one forever. I have no doubt you're brilliant, and uni should be a goal for you, as soon as you're up for it. There's no reason you shouldn't have a good life, even if you walk a path different than most. Maybe a job is the next step for you, maybe it's college...whatever it is, as long as it's your choice, it's movement and it's something you can handle.

No matter where you are in life, you can always move forward. The only way you lose is by giving up.

My situation was a lot like yours. I am a male, but I was a bit anorexic in hs. I didn't have to take any time off though. I went straight from hs to college. I knew that I would have a hard time going back to school if I took a year off. After graduating college I went a long time without a job. I had a hard time getting out of the house. I generally only went out after dark.

Like Karana, I got a job working with a lot of people. Mine was in a foodservice operation. I learned how to deal with people and talk to them on a superficial level anyway. It is still hard to deal with anyone for much more than 5 minutes though. But it is good enough to do my job.

It might be a good idea to do some part time volunteer work. That way you can work short 1-2 hour shifts. I did it like that and it made it much easier to deal with things. After a while I got desensitized and was able to put in more hours.

CBT is a good idea if you can find a good therapist. there are lots of bad ones I'm afraid. If you get one who's a jerk just dump him.

Hi WMU!
Man, did your post hit home.
My first year in high school (having just moved countries) I had zero friends. Nada. Just like you, I put all my time into my academics to escape the fact I had no social life. I got all A's and have so far (it's my last year), and I learned that A's (essentially just ink in a shape of a letter on paper) do not equal happiness. It doesn't matter what anyone said, that was the reality and still is.
Anyway, there I was, "a complete loner with no social skills" as you say. It got better. I had to push myself though and so 9th, 10th, and 11th grade were unpleasant. I think senior year is overrated too, and I'm still very much in the dark compared to your "average" high school student. Mind you, part of that is my aversion to going out because I cannot stand large groups of people (nothing to do with anxiety by the way; it's my choice). I've had the guidence couselor tell me over and over how competitive I am as far as college goes. One problem: I'm not going to college. At least not yet. And you know what? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm going into a specialized field on which I've done umpteen months of research. And even though people think I am crazy, I am doing it because it feels right - because it's what I want to do and I am passionate about it.
I would very much like to get a job so I can buy stuff I want and so on. The only jobs around here are things like cashier and that's about it. I've been trying to psych myself up just to go get an application from one of the stores but I'm too scared. I'm VERY uncomfortable with money anyway.
Sometimes I think I'm like this because I think I've lived too much of a sheltered life. That coupled with a horrible 8th grade experience (think literally no friends and probing strangers). I am fine around the friends I have now because they accept me without question, but strangers are another matter. *sigh*, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'll probably just wait until I can teach in my field (it's always just one on one) and that will be my job. I don't know, though. Just try not to think on it too much or you will get very sick - trust me on this one.

Well, I'll shut up now. I hope it helps to know that you're not the only one who feels like you do. Just remember to do what YOU want and what you feel is right. There is most likely a lot of hope for you; as for myself - I can't be so sure. I've "put myself out there" as they say, to desensitize myself, but it only made me feel worse (and I was working at it for months, so I am a little concerned).

Hi everyone,
It's good to know there are people who understand my situation without a word. It seems to take a lifetime of explaining myself to the people who supposedly know me best. If only you didn't all seem so far away.
Well, i went to a job centre, that initial encounter with people after being stuck in your room for so long is petrifying. A boy started talking to me whilst i was waiting, i didn't feel scared because he was such an idiot; he kept saying he was glad to be unemployed because he could get stoned whenever he wanted and have sex with whoever he wanted. I couldn't believe what i was hearing and found the latter remark very doubtful.
I was thinking about doing some paid fundraising or voluntary work but I can't seem to find charities that do this, apart from friends of the earth and i'd prefer to support charities for mental health or something.
As for university, I don't know if i can see it happening right now.
I'll just have to keep informed and educated through books and newspapers to prevent myself from going brain dead. I was interested in this counselling course but I came across a huge hurdle, it is mainly examined through role plays.
On CBT - I have researched this but it costs alot of money in the UK or i think there is a 2 year waiting list. I bought some CBT books 'overcoming SA and shyness' & 'overcoming low self esteem' which helps with avoidance issues. However, I sometimes lose my dedication and focus doing the exercises alone.
Has anyone had any luck with medication? if so, what are the side effects?
Trence, you are right about forgetting the past. I need to stop being wistful but sometimes the past is seductive and you can get lost in it. I did write down all my regrets, mostly about not making good decisions, being friends with the wrong people and not being a good friend to people who actually made an effort. It's good to see them objectively on paper, rather than having them running through my mind.
I know i do have good characteristics and I know i'm strong to overcome anorexia and other things in my life. I'm away from it all now but there is still an annoying part of me that feels like a weak child. This is silly i know.

I'll try to keep you updated on this.

On CBT - I have researched this but it costs alot of money in the UK or i think there is a 2 year waiting list.

Hey wakemeup - just a quick encouragement before I run off to work. I would go ahead and put yourself on that waiting list. Like Canada, you can get free psychotherapy in the UK under your NHS (some basic info here: http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/ar ... icleId=659)

I asked my doctor to refer me to government funded psychotherapy, was put on a waiting list. I waited about 3 or 4 months, I got in earlier than they had originally said because my availability was flexible and they had a sudden open spot. It's worth the wait.

Keep up with the written exercises in your CBT books. This one is my favourite so far: "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by Dr David Burns (http://www.amazon.ca/Feeling-Good-New-M ... 0380810336).

Good luck!