do you ever..?

..get super hostile when you feel that you might get rejected? i do, whenever it appears that someone will reject me i just push them away as far as i can, maybe even tell them really bad things.

i really hate myself sometimes, today i just told a friend(which i have been friends with for about 3 years) that she never cared and never were there for me, and asked her how she could call it a friendship.
because it felt like she was rejecting me. i dont think she ever will forgive me for that.

I don't get hostile at all - I just accept it.
For example, I have a friend with whom I have the greatest of laughs, but she has another friend who is always hanging around her. For the last couple of weeks I've noticed I'm always giving my friend all the attention while leaving her friend out. I thought she really didn't like me because she's always giving me these hateful looks, but lo and behold, today she's as friendly as if we've known each other for years. Strange stuff, but I digress.
So........I guess I'm just indifferent to rejection as long as a friend is there, otherwise.....er....I'm still indifferent. Just realized that's weird for an Av. Ho-hum, schizoid alter ego here I come.

I was going to say something else but I forgot

I used to suffer greatly but I wouldnt let it show, so most ppl thought I'm emtionaless. but if it was somebody very close, I'd go into killing mode if I'd sense rejection. Now, i dont give a ###$ anymore, I know I dont really need anybody.....it was hard to get here but I'm free now.

I definitly do that. Just recently, this girl that I loved for two years left for college and we were talking, then she mentioned how she wants to "date" several guys and have "something physical" without having to be in a relationship. I guess I took it as rejection (which I still think it was) and got pretty hostile. I called her a slut and told her some other pretty mean things. She got really upset, then I told her, "Don't worry; I'm sure that one of your new ###$ will pretend to care if you take off enough of your clothes."

We've patched things up since then, somehow.

There are times when girls will behave strangely towards me (something I now know as "flirting") and what probably happens is I get nervous because I've apparently done something to earn her affection, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep it up. I just constantly worry about screwing it up and being a big disappointment to her. So I'll get pretty nasty in situations like that, to scare her off so I can relax again. Of course I usually regret it later.

Yeah. I become nasty, vulgar, and mean, and in short impossible to approach. The hell of it is, those times are when I'm most loudly screaming for help inside. I can be cussing someone out for over an hour and end it abruptly if they just give me a lap to lay on or a hug. I also respond strongly to pain in others, so if someone shows weakness then I'm there in a second to comfort them. But I will spend an hour trying to hurt them to get them to show that one drop of weakness if they're being cold and emotionless to me.

I'm hardly aware of what I'm saying in these situations. It's like it comes out of me naturally. It's empty hostility; there's no real anger behind it. Anger is an emotion I don't understand well because I so rarely experience it. I get hurt instead of angry.

However, strangely, I have been getting angry in situations where I normally wouldn't lately. In situations I would normally interpret as rejection, instead of withdrawing or lashing out I got genuinely angry. Like a miniature explosion in my head that floods my body and makes me self-righteous and daring. Yesterday I went to the store on my own to buy something and waited five minutes before the cashier showed up at the register. I was an inch away from blowing up and bitching at her or management, which is not something I'd ever have guessed I'd do. I'm a patient and timid person. And earlier, when I was out shopping with my fiance and I pointed out the pretty skirt the woman in front of us was wearing, he told me, "Don't talk about people in public," and after a brief wave of mortified shame I instead turned on him and whispered furiously, "How DARE you say that to me and make me feel bad about myself!"

I don't know what's going on. Am I learning another way to cope with problems? And if I am, is anger a good way or should I be happy it's at least something different?

Whoa, way to go, K! You might want to keep that aggression in check, though. But hey, you were fearless and free for an instant - that's got to count for something.

Karana wrote:Yeah. I become nasty, vulgar, and mean, and in short impossible to approach. The hell of it is, those times are when I'm most loudly screaming for help inside. I can be cussing someone out for over an hour and end it abruptly if they just give me a lap to lay on or a hug. I also respond strongly to pain in others, so if someone shows weakness then I'm there in a second to comfort them. But I will spend an hour trying to hurt them to get them to show that one drop of weakness if they're being cold and emotionless to me.

i am exacly that way. very scary.

I can't be hostile to anyone except my parents and my girlfriend, and to them I can be downright nasty at times. But they're the people in my life who I see as least likely to reject me (especially my parents) so maybe I just need to let it all out without fear of losing someone the way I've lost pretty much everyone I've ever been friends with due to my avoidance and other circumstances. So I guess I have the opposite problem, I'm too much of a pushover.

Taken to the extreme, that's probably the basic of sociopathy. Coupled with depression, that gives thing like public shootings and spectacular suicides. So it's extremely important to know how to deal with that hostility. But most people just become more selfish when they feel others don't deserve any caring from them...

I rarely get hostile. I bury my anger deep down with all my other emotions.