Challenges at Work

I just had terrible few days at work. Basically, my colleague went to our boss to complain about me. I am still pissed she didn't have the guts to talk to me directly. I handled it the best I could by having a mask on, playing nice and not reacting. The problem though it still stings. I guess I'm posting to vent.

I've gotten to the point where I have to include myself in coversations. No matter what I do it seems no one wants or knows how to keep a conversation with me. It has to be me who puts the effort. It has to be me who shows empathy first. What is so repulsive about me? Just once I want a coworker to put effort in starting a friendly conversation. I went to speech therapy and I've been taught the tools. But it has to be me that still gets left out. Just a few days ago, I had to print a manual. After I was done, someone finally told me a new manual is being develped meaning I just wasted 100 sheets of paper for nothing.

What are some problems you face at work?

I had my boss pull me aside and among other things, criticise me saying I was "so OCD". Because I'm particular about things. Being particular about the way you do things is not OCD- and they dug up stuff from tasks that had not been my responsibility for years to justify that. Felt really insulting and like I was being attacked for a trait that I can't turn off. (I once had another job where that trait was valued and meant I did the job to a very high standard.) I do have OCD, but what she was describing is not part of OCD. It's part of my autism. There were a number of things said which felt like my illness was being used against me- I have told them some details of what I have going on- kind of had to, it's a small business and I've been there getting close to 20 years, they've seen me go through a lot of highs and lows. My other problem is that I would do really well in a non-customer facing job there. Anything- saying "I need these sorted, labelled and filed by the end of the day" and that's totally me, but I'm forced to do customer service role, and go home utterly exhausted. I'm currently searching for a more appropriate job.

I also had a long period of time where I was living with abusive and threatening neighbours downstairs- they knew that, but wanted to criticise how I was not doing well at the time, and "why can't you just move". Moving was not an option because there was no other appropriate affordable housing. But I was expected to be happy, cheery, friendly all day while living in a constant state of panic and fear. I'd do my best to turn it on for the customers, but apparently it wasn't enough.

MindOnAir wrote:Just a few days ago, I had to print a manual. After I was done, someone finally told me a new manual is being develped meaning I just wasted 100 sheets of paper for nothing.

That sounds like a communication issue, not a you issue. I work one day a week, and informing me of things often seems to be an afterthought. More than once I've told the customer the price I've memorised, only to find it's increased in the sales system, or "oh yeah, we ran out of that last Tuesday", and no-one's bothered to tell me, and I'm trying to sell something we no longer have, or backtrack on price, leaving me looking like an idiot.

I know I can be awkward in conversation. I try not to be, but it happens. The way your co-workers leave you out sounds as though they are the ones with a problem, not you. Your colleague side-stepping you to go to your boss without attempting to address the issue directly with you first is rude really.

What would happen if you stopped trying to involve yourself in conversations and just went about your job quietly? I'm not saying you should become a hermit (tempting, I know), but just be the person who quietly goes about the job without fuss.

Hugs if you'd like some.

I noticed the more I got comfortable in my role, the more social I've become. Anytime I'm social the more I cherry pick reasons to be disappointed. I automatically think, why I have to talk over someone to get my point across? Why do I have to share my opinion with my colleagues next time? My coworker did not understand what I have said and so on.

To make matters worse, we can't expect anything from anyone yet we have to be careful not to isolate ourselves even more. Why is it so difficult for us to be understood?

lilyfairy wrote:. t's a small business and I've been there getting close to 20 years, they've seen me go through a lot of highs and lows. My other problem is that I would do really well in a non-customer facing job there. Anything- saying "I need these sorted, labelled and filed by the end of the day" and that's totally me, but I'm forced to do customer service role, and go home utterly exhausted. I'm currently searching for a more appropriate job.

It would help to consider work as a playground for achievements whether small or large as we don't get alot of situations to be happy. Almost 20 years is long time. You got through it for that long. I would think about the achievements you have made. Is there a final straw that you decided to search for a new job?

Hugs.

Took a customer service call today without stuttering. I feel so giddy is disturbing.

Well done on getting through that. I don't stutter during conversations, but I tend to repeat myself, because I'm dissociated during it and don't remember what I have or haven't already said. There's a lot of quiet "omg, have I said that already or not?" So chances are I'll either not give all the information I'd planned to, or repeat myself.

MindOnAir wrote:I noticed the more I got comfortable in my role, the more social I've become. Anytime I'm social the more I cherry pick reasons to be disappointed. I automatically think, why I have to talk over someone to get my point across? Why do I have to share my opinion with my colleagues next time? My coworker did not understand what I have said and so on.

Are you cherrypicking reasons, or is it finding ways to minimise or dismiss your achivement in putting your view across? I know I go away nitpicking what I have or have not said later on, and often miss the fact that for me, speaking up is a big thing to do. To the average person, those kinds of conversations are things they do without any extra effort and without thinking about it. For people like us, it takes considerable effort.

MindOnAir wrote:Why is it so difficult for us to be understood?

For me it starts with not being able to communicate what I need or what I think without thinking about how someone else is going to judge me for it, and that usually means I end up withholding half of what I really needed/wanted to say.

MindOnAir wrote: I would think about the achievements you have made. Is there a final straw that you decided to search for a new job?

I don't think of my job as having had a lot of achievements. I do the job effectively, but I've often not felt valued, and there's a lot of layers over the years to not feeling valued- it's improved slightly since the previous manager left. I'm now in charge on the days I'm there and the other staff member working with me will look to me for instruction/direction, as I'm the more senior staff member, which is feeling really weird. There's been lots of final straws, and lots of occasions where I've felt ready to just walk out. I stay because I can't find another more suitable job. There's lots of jobs available in hospitality around here, but I'm trying to escape that.

lilyfairy wrote:Well done on getting through that. I don't stutter during conversations, but I tend to repeat myself, because I'm dissociated during it and don't remember what I have or haven't already said. There's a lot of quiet "omg, have I said that already or not?" So chances are I'll either not give all the information I'd planned to, or repeat myself.

A trick is to confirm what the other person is saying once and move on. People usually don't mind when you confirm to them what they are asking for. For example, if your boss says "Can you do this and this?" I would repeat back "To clarify, you want me to do that and that?"

With my own boss, she usually says, yes, please. The reason I also do this is to avoid awkwardness with customers. I am terrible with small talk. I forget what I have said at times because I get so nervous but I don't experience dissociation.

If your customer service is over the phone, it may also help to request a transcript from your employer.

lilyfairy wrote: Are you cherrypicking reasons, or is it finding ways to minimise or dismiss your achivement in putting your view across? I know I go away nitpicking what I have or have not said later on, and often miss the fact that for me, speaking up is a big thing to do. To the average person, those kinds of conversations are things they do without any extra effort and without thinking about it. For people like us, it takes considerable effort.

My biggest challenge at work is not getting offended easily. Sometimes, my conversations with coworkers starts with me saying "Why do people do this? Don't they realize.." My coworkers response would be " Yes, but we still have to be nice".

I do think avoidants have better common sense and are naturally more observant. What do you think?

lilyfairy wrote:I don't think of my job as having had a lot of achievements. I do the job effectively, but I've often not felt valued, and there's a lot of layers over the years to not feeling valued- it's improved slightly since the previous manager left. I'm now in charge on the days I'm there and the other staff member working with me will look to me for instruction/direction, as I'm the more senior staff member, which is feeling really weird. There's been lots of final straws, and lots of occasions where I've felt ready to just walk out. I stay because I can't find another more suitable job. There's lots of jobs available in hospitality around here, but I'm trying to escape that

I had conversation with my mother recently. She is so happy to see me change but I had to point out the reason I am able to is because I got lucky with the work environment. It is sad that getting a good working environment is something you have to be lucky for. Yet, in college I was forced to spend money for Business Ethics class that was mandatory.

I've hit the ceiling at work. I've been at my job for 13 years and I'm basically an expert. But I can't progress to the next stage without having to do presentations, i.e. training others or briefing executives. That's not my personality. So that's one of my challenges at work.

The other challenge is dealing with people in person. The nature of my work involves giving people bad news. But giving bad news is not what bothers me: it's the physical act of being in the person's face. I dread the moment after I knock on their front door. I hope they don't answer it and I can just leave my business card and walk away.

As far as relationships with coworkers, they are cordial but superficial and meaningless. I do not try to build friendships because my prior attempts throughout my life have resulted in failure: either it just doesn't happen or the "subject" eventually loses interest in me. So, I just don't try anymore. For me, it is better to not have friends than to try to have friends and be rejected. It sounds sad but I have developed a thick skin over the many years .