misunderstandings and miscommunication

I'm 22 and this is the first time since 10th grade that I've encountered someone in real life that I think I want to be normal for. This guy is not perfect for me, but to be perfectly honest I don't think I'd be able to handle perfect even if someone like that were interested in me. I'm not horribly ugly or anything... (I think I could be cute if I tried, but I don't want the attention so I don't. I wear baggy clothes and never put on makeup or do anything with my hair besides leave it down) but the same old avpd issues crop up every time there is someone I'm interested in.

For a few weeks there we were getting closer. I spend five nights in a row at his apartment. But then one night the conversation turned to relationships, and I freaked out and started telling him about how I didn't want any sort of serious relationship.

A few days passed and it sort of hit me, what I'd said to him. Of course I want a relationship. I think it bothered him, too, because the last few times we've seen each other it went badly. He called me weird one night (as I mentioned in a comment on another post) and then the very next night he got upset because I was, "interrogating him about wanting to be with me." I didn't even realize I was doing it. I don't know if I'm suddenly acting worse or if he's just over sensitive to my odd behavior now.

Everything I've said since then seems to make it worse. He hasn't wanted to see me at all this week. This is where the miscommunication comes in; like Sunday night I sent him a text message asking if he wanted to go on a date. It was partially joking, because we've never actually been on a date before, but I was hoping he'd respond saying yes. Instead he got mad because he thought I was just trying to get a free meal out of him... or at least that's what he told me. I wonder now if he just doesn't want to see me any more and he's grabbing any reason to feel justified that he can.

Part of my reaction to that is relief; if I don't have to see him, I don't have to talk to him and I can forget this stressful situation. But the more overwhelming reaction is disappointment. Like this was my once chance and somehow I've already ruined it.

Don't know much about relationships, but it does seem like he is kind of using you.

On a side note, I really would like to stop thinking about why women prefer this #######4 guys to someone nice. I guess men whith an inability to harm others is not a turn on...oh well, back to loneliness.

Good luck for you and I bet you can find someone better.

I'm with mullog. There are better people out there - don't get caught up about this.

Using me... if you mean as far as sex goes, that's not it. :/ Of the two of us, I'm the one that wants it more than him, I think. I also have my issues as far as that goes but it's kind of embarrassing to talk about.

He's not a bad guy. I think I might have hurt his feelings by telling him I didn't want a relationship. But I don't know for sure, and it's hard to have that conversation. It's hard to have any conversation. He told me he thinks that anything I feel for him is just borne out of convenience, but when I turned that question back around on him he said, "You know I care about more than that with you." But... I didn't know. I'm still not positive.

As far as your comment, mullog... I can't speak for girls in general, but why did I pick him? Because he showed me he was interested. Before him, all of my relationships (including my two year relationship with a girl) were all internet-based in the beginning.

It's just hard not to stress, because people interested in me don't come along that often.

But what if he's just faking being interested in you? Would you rather that than the truth?

You're right. If he isn't interested, I do wish he would just tell me. I'm only afraid that asking him flat out is going to cause more problems. I suppose that is what I need to do. And maybe tell him that I changed my mind about the whole issue of actually having a relationship (as opposed to people that hang out and sleep together once in a while, I guess?). That just makes me seem like such a fickle person.

amandawants wrote:Using me... if you mean as far as sex goes, that's not it. :/ Of the two of us, I'm the one that wants it more than him, I think.

Or so he makes you believe...and even if that's true, people don't get just sex out of a relationship.

amandawants wrote:As far as your comment, mullog... I can't speak for girls in general, but why did I pick him? Because he showed me he was interested.

I can understand that. Some times showing interest and getting corresponded isn't easy either.

I respectfully disagree with the reactions you've gotten so far. It seems likely to me that he felt rejected when you said you weren't interested in a serious relationship. All of those defensive or hostile responses (or non-responses) happened after that, right? He's probably just distancing himself from you because he thinks there's no chance for something more and/or lashing out because he feels hurt.

His suggestion that you were just trying to get a free meal out of him seems to support this theory. After all, the purpose of dating is to find someone you can have a serious relationship with, isn't it?

If you still want to continue seeing this guy, I think you need to tell him that you were confused when you told him you aren't interested in a serious relationship. Convince him that you are interested. You should do that before you ask him if he's still interested, otherwise he'll probably be even more convinced that you're toying with him.

I really can't guarantee you that mullog and sugarfoot are wrong, that he isn't playing you, but it seems much more plausible that he was hurt when you indicated no interest in a relationship. Try to explain that that isn't really the case, and hopefully then his attitude will improve.

I agree with Geek here, you sent him the wrong message out of a nervous reaction. I did that a few times but not this late just at the first initial talk stage, they happen so rarely so I keep being clumsy...

It's nearly impossible to recover after.

The only option is a little like Geek says: probably clearly stating your intentions and specify that your previous reaction was just a poor way to say you needed a little time to think. If you give him a positive feedback after a thinking time and his attitude isn't changing, he was clearly looking for something to do that particular night and didn't have relationship in mind.

DISCLAIMER: This comes from a guy who've never been in any kind of emotional/physical relationships. So just my thoughts not experience...