Unable to take a short break without falling into avoidance

Funny how I have been working on my AVPD for a few years now, analysing it through and through, and still it happens that I suddenly discover patterns that have been there all this time.

I was wondering if others notice this problem and have a way of dealing with it.

The thing is that I have a problem with 'taking a day off' - it's not that I can't stop working or don't get tired, quite the opposite. I just can't find a way to take healthy breaks from some responsibilities and everyday activities - and come back to them later. It starts reasonably – I decide that I need eg. a few hours or a day just for myself (or for focusing on my family when I visit them), to relax and forget about stuff. It's just an attempt at some kind of regeneration which seems perfectly healthy. But the 'day-off' passes and I fall directly into avoidant mode – eg. becoming scared to read messages I decided consciously to come back to after a short break, executing plans I made etc., no matter how important these things are to me and how much I enjoy doing them. So it turns into a period of growing stress and anxiety - the classic avoidance slippery slope.

The progress is that it has become less likely that this period will last for weeks (though it still happens). But even if it's a few days, it's awfully frustrating to me - I feel that I cannot control my everyday life, make plans and take responsibilities, declare that I will do this or that within a certain period. No matter how I want to do something, how I believe it's feasible for me, I cannot be trusted - I am unable to trust myself.

And it means that if I don't have something work-like thightly scheduled for the weekend, the cycle can repeat on a weekly basis, the best scenario being that I feel that I have any agency on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, which is not a lot of time to get stuff done. I feel like so much of my time is just lost and wasted, which then means that everytime I fall into this hole I'm feeling worse. And the best idea seems just to give up on any long-term projects I try to undertake because they become too big of a burden in my head.

I know that the best way would be to get to action immediately after my 'time to chill' passes. But this knowledge doesn't help, I try but I simply don't succeed in doing it.
I would really want something to push me at such moments, to wake me up, but I have no idea what this could be.

Are you allowing yourself enough of a recovery day? By that I mean what are you filling your recovery day/time with? How much have you loaded yourself up with before you get to recovery day- I find sometimes I need more than one day to get back to feeling somewhat comfortable again- that might be me time, or just minimal contact with people and staying inside doing things. Spending the day with family can wind me up more than calm me down- but that might look different for you too. What triggers me might be calming to someone else. What calms me some days might not work on others.

I also find my depression prevents me from getting a lot of things done too- finding the motivation some days is impossible and things just have to wait. I've struggled the past few weeks and find myself sitting in front of the TV for a good portion of the day, which is really not my style usually. I sometimes have to go "this is all I can manage today". Beating myself up only makes things worse.

When I'm not motivated, I find writing lists of what I need to get done helpful- sometimes breaking tasks down into smaller tasks which I can cross off as I go.

Do you have a therapist you're working with at all? Discovering patterns in your own behaviour can make you go "why did I not see that before?!". Seems so obvious when you do finally see it, but it seems to take a lightbulb moment to find it.

god, i feel this so much. i've come to dread having days off from work, because the day i have to go back, the anxiety is so overwhelming i always consider not even going. the same thing happened when i was in school, too, which led to me missing a ton of school lol. i wish i could say i had a solution or something, but i don't. i usually tend to end up going because i'm afraid of the consequences if i don't go. wishing you the best, hopefully we can both find a healthy solution instead of overworking ourselves lol