Avoidant perspective? Should I reach out?

My avoidant bf of 2.5 years and I (anxious) recently broke up 3 weeks ago. We have struggled with classic anxious avoidant issues during our entire relationship, in addition to being long distance. He finally broke up with me unilaterally (even though we planned to discuss the state of our relationship the day he did it) and refused to discuss it with me. The next day I desperately texted him asking to talk and asking for answers but he ignored them. He finally did text me back a couple days later and we went back and forth going through all my questions. He seemed able to do that calmly but then I broached the topic of reconnecting in a month and he became cold and took a couple days to think about it but ultimately said “no I am still happy with my decision as I don’t see a happy future for us etc etc.”

Since then I’ve done a lot more reading about dismissive avoidants and now have a much better appreciation for the fears of intimacy and the shame that people like my ex carry around. I also realized how much I was sacrificing of myself in the relationship. Maybe I sort of knew these things and maybe we discussed them but I don’t think I really understood exactly what kind of warmth he needed.

I have written a letter describing everything I feel I’ve learned and all the things I wish I would’ve done differently in specific situations that I know felt troubling to him during our relationship. It is somewhat of a love letter to his inner child. I also talk about how i am focusing on myself more and how I know our relationship is gone and the future we would’ve had is not possible. At the end, I say that this letter is mostly just a letter for him (to show my love) but that if anything resonated, I’d love to reconnect. To see if we could (as new people) potentially start very slowly to explore a new dynamic (I don’t use the word relationship because I don’t want to scare him, but I’m not sure if this is confusing). I will be in his city in a couple weeks and then probably not again for the rest of the year so I suggested a cup of coffee - very lighthearted, I promised - to “get to know each other again”. But it will only have been a month or so since the breakup.

I am apprehensive about sending this because he was very definite in our breakup - he said he’d never reconsider, and he’s certain (not sure if this was to spare me hope), and during the last text exchange we had he said we need to take some time for ourselves to heal because he cares too much about me to heal while we are still talking but maybe we could reconnect in “a few months or more”. It certainly has not been that, but the heartfelt nature of the letter and the fact that I feel so deeply that a new start (as new people) would lead to a potentially very loving relationship - and that I keep thinking about all the ways I could’ve been more consistent in providing assurance to him - make me feel like I have to send this.

My question is - for the avoidants out there - how would you respond to this? What would increase/decrease the likelihood of your responding and agreeing to meet up? Would love to hear any avoidants’ internal monologues if they were in this situation!

It sounds like he has made up his mind and he doesn't want you to reconnect at this time. Sending the letter would probably make him even more resolved to break off the relationship. The relationship may be too much of a commitment for him.The more effort you give trying to reconnect and trying to understand his inner turmoil, the more he will feel trapped and intruded upon.

You are probably not going to change him. And given his avoidance, he may not be able to be in the kind of committed relationship you are longing for. So it may be better to grieve the relationship, heal, and then try to move on. With his tendencies and yours, a relationship might just be too torturous.

If you are still determined to try to meet up with him I would suggest a different strategy (which has a small, but better probability of success in my opinion). Have little to no contact with him for the next weeks and try to move on (or at least pretend to). Then, when you you get to town, send him a short text like: "hey I'm in town, do you want to go for some coffee?". He probably will say no, but even if he agrees I would not start talking about having a relationship again etc. unless he initiates that conversation.