Do you feel that you are making progress against AvPD?

Scroll to the bottom to see the very short summary.

I really started to show the traits of AvPD when I was 13. At 15 I knew something was wrong with me and when my depression was in full swing, making effects in my life. Sixteen was rock bottom. During this stage of my life, I was ridiculously paranoid and thought I had all these kind of diseases to the point I had this kind of cancer. They were not kidding that you can make yourself sick. In school, I constantly felt tense and rigid when I was around people. I always had the feeling that somebody was watching and judging me. Always being afraid of doing or saying something because of what someone else might think was really eating me from the inside. When I listened into others conversations their lives seemed to be so full and rich compared to my empty and bleak life. This was made worse with my sisters. Even my younger siblings passed me by and they never fail to point out how far behind I am. I felt like a ghost and just wanted to disappear as a way to escape from the loneliness. I never seriously considered suicide but, I've always fantasied on the different ways of ending my life. It was always something overly dramatic, like I give a speech presentation, everyone laughs and I jump out the window.

1st Quarter of 2005 when I was 16 1/2, I "looked up". I knew I was very deep in the pit I've dug for myself. However, I know with strong willpower and determination I can climb out and finally live my life. I didn't start "climbing" out until I was 18(the age I am now until Aug 29) when I was in college. There has been a few moments that I put myself forward regardless of what my inner voice was screaming. When I did, it paid off in some way though not all the time. One example that probably changed my college experience was introducing myself to a group of guys play Foozball. I played the game with them and eventually after talking and hanging out with them for a while, I became a part of their group. If I wasn't a part of them, I would have been entirely on my own that entire year. I have been making some progress in the first semester but second semester I utterly collapsed. I even seemed to be backtracking in some ways into my old weak self. I started to stay in my room more often, talk to my friends less and all that other crap. Am I at the bottom as I was before I went off to college? No, but I am not that far off the bottom. I still have the feelings on inferiority, paranoia, procrastination and everything else but its to a lesser degree.

I look at my future with optimism, I refuse to look down and wallow in my despair. My main goal at this point of my life is to be more of a sociable person, be in a relationship, be more self sufficient and develop a new hobby such as writing or drawing. I may have AvPD and is something I may live with the rest of my life but I can at least fight against the symptoms and suppress them. Only by throwing myself into situations that I fear most and overcoming them can I achieve true happiness.

Summary (Lame but you get the picture )

Age 13-17: The Dark Age of my life.
Age 18: The beginning of a Renaissance
Age ??? True Happiness

Is anybody going up? Down? Or staying put?

I made some gains back around '95-'96. I was almost happy for a year. Then the girl who was my best friend - practically a gf - died from diabetes. The next year my father got sick and suffered brain damage and then got alzheimer's. That actually helped me overcome some of my AVPD traits because I had to do things to take care of him. But when he died I really felt lost and started visiting AVPD groups online. Now I have been having terrible physical problems that are hampering any efforts to get over my issues. It is dragging me down into despair.

I made some gains back around '95-'96. I was almost happy for a year. Then the girl who was my best friend - practically a gf - died from diabetes. The next year my father got sick and suffered brain damage and then got alzheimer's. That actually helped me overcome some of my AVPD traits because I had to do things to take care of him. But when he died I really felt lost and started visiting AVPD groups online. Now I have been having terrible physical problems that are hampering any efforts to get over my issues. It is dragging me down into despair.

Obviously not, otherwise I wouldn't be on all these internet forums...

No - I don't think I am making any progress. It is hard to progress when you don't perceive support or encouragement from those around you.

Short answer: Yes.

But I think I've hit a plateau. I don't think I can progress anymore on my own. I need some help, but I'm not sure it's professional help I need. I think I need to share my struggles with some trusted friends and family. Without the support that skog mentioned, I think I am at risk of losing progress. But I'm very mistrusting of others, and fearful of rejection if I do share... so I'm sort of stuck.

Hi Trence

I haven't exchanged comments with you for awhile. You might search through past postings here for other people's experiences with telling someone about their problem. I thought about it for a long time and read mostly negative and some positive comments by people who had confided to a spouse, other family member, co-worker, or friend. Eventually I did persuade myself to tell 2 people at work whose friendship I have sought. That was over a year ago. They have not provided the support I need. They haven't rejected me and engage in friendly contact from time-to-time, but they don't help me, even when I have practically told them things I'd like them to do. I regret having told them. Again, I have read positive comments, so I am not necessarily saying to keep this to yourself. I still don't know how one can get better without cooperation from those around you. All I am suggesting is that you be careful, think about who you might choose to tell, think about how much you tell, and don't let your expectations be too high in case there is disappointment to follow.

I think it can go both ways: either you still can relate to human beings and can still learn to be more sociable(the preferable path)
OR
let the AvPD evolves to the point you totally give up on others and just take care of yourself and your own little world. Other people then becomes just tools for your own service. You lose your empathy: you amuse yourself from their troubles and get bored from their good things. I followed the latter(and darker) path for the last years, no need to say it doesn't help your situation at all although you're not depressed anymore and you slowly lose self-consciousness from not caring about others.

The mind is always evolving into something, it never stays put. But it's kinda impossible to predict what a person may become in the future and that's a good thing for personnal freedom's sake.

Progress..... what my AvPD has developed into depends on how I look at it.

I'm still shy, alone, and have very little social contact of any sort. But... I've accepted it almost. When I see an attractive person that others would consider approaching, it isn't even a possibility for me so I don't worry about it and soon forget it. When I see a great opportunity for a career or money and making something of my life, rather than fretting over how I would take advantage I instantly assume I would fail and soon forget about it. I'm also a lot better at making excuses to avoid things. I don't fear rejection so much because I anticipate it as unavoidable. When all hope dies, you can't be dissapointed anymore.

...

Yea thats just a bitter way of saying no, I'm not making any progress

CriminallyVulgar wrote:Progress..... what my AvPD has developed into depends on how I look at it.

I'm still shy, alone, and have very little social contact of any sort. But... I've accepted it almost. When I see an attractive person that others would consider approaching, it isn't even a possibility for me so I don't worry about it and soon forget it. When I see a great opportunity for a career or money and making something of my life, rather than fretting over how I would take advantage I instantly assume I would fail and soon forget about it. I'm also a lot better at making excuses to avoid things. I don't fear rejection so much because I anticipate it as unavoidable. When all hope dies, you can't be dissapointed anymore.

...

Yea thats just a bitter way of saying no, I'm not making any progress

On bad days I hear you loud and clear...