What the HELL happened?!?!???

I'm completely lost.

I thought I was coming to grips with my problems: Av and Borderline PD from my mom and other family. Possible ADD. Avoiding and fearing interactions with others was just something I was dealing with because I felt unloved and unwanted as a child, right?

At first really addressing what bothered me about my past helped a lot. Combined with my Adderall I was able to focus on the causes of my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. I started making progress, taught myself techniques for dealing with my fears. But it all kept coming back...

I felt driven to moving forward. I was building my chrysalis without knowing how or why.

I started just chatting with a few people. I was still obsessing over the memories of the past. I figured if I can talk to a few people about it maybe I'll gain a new perspective. That and more...

It just came BLURTING out of me- I CAN'T BE WITH MY BF ANYMORE!!!

I'm not dealing with my mom's stuff anymore. I've been in a whole new emotionally abusive relationship for YEARS and I didn't understand that it was affecting me.

How did I let this happen? Why did it go on so long? I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I wasn't going to repeat the past.

Honestly, I knew from the day we moved in together. He made me call him 10 times a day. He'd keep me by his side. If I didn't give him exactly what he wanted, when he wanted it, in the manner that he wants it in- it was a fight. That first month he started grabbing his stuff, and packing suitcases. (I can't even remember what upset him) That was always his go-to threat- better shape up or I'm leaving you. See how easy it is for me? When I thought he really was leaving- I was RELIEVED! But then he saw the look in my eyes and stopped. He talked me back into "loving" him. But it was never the same for me after that.

I knew he was emotionally abusive, but I stayed because I could make it better. After all, I'm smart and strong. He just needs my guidance. Besides it was better than going back to working 2 jobs, living with gramma, watching her get abused by my ex-aunt and her bastard child. BF was a trucker, gone Mon-Thurs usually, and I work a few hours on the weekends so what am I really putting up with here? Nice apartment, eating good food, etc.

I did get him to stop doing a lot of things. The phone calls and text messages were addressed. He stopped getting mad about that. He didn't force me to do everything with him anymore. But is was like a cartoon lump- push it in on the head, it comes out the chin. He'd just find new ways to be mad at me. Everytime I saw a friend I would get chewed out. He would call me when he knew I was with a friend. Later it was a fight because I didn't answer the phone. Who's more important?

Everyone in my family likes him more than me. My mom texts him more than me.

I dread coming home or leaving for work when he's home because he has to be right there- RIGHT THERE! following my car down the driveway, yelling stupid jokes, then getting pissed because I wasn't paying full attention. As soon as I get home I don't even have the car in park and he is talking to me, showing me everything HE did. Isn't HE great? And if I'm not immediately and overwhelmingly floored by his efforts then he might just stop talking to me or go to work early.

Why now? Why, after 6 years together?

A few things all culminated at once. 1) I bought my gramma's house outright and we moved here 2) He stopped a lot of the physical intimacy

Gramma died: incredibly stressful, will not go into. But I bought the house full-out. So instead of living in the apartment he paid for. Now he's living in the house I own.

Intimacy: I'm not just talking sex. We do occasionally. What I was missing were him touching my legs, my body. I have worked out HARD. I feel good, but also feeling terrible- why? Because every attempt for some mild intimacy would be scoffed at or openly laughed at.

If I tried to french kiss him he'd start giggling and pushing me away. If I asked him to play with my neck or ears he'd just start spitting and blowing my hair really unattractively, laughing until I gave up. Even sex, which was mostly him performing oral on me, was embarrassing. He did things the way he wanted and was hurt if I asked for anything different. He was always joking, rarely seriously in the moment.

As soon as I realized John was the problem I realized being physical with him was like having a sexual relationship with my own child. I am sickened to my core.

I do not know if he fully understands that it's over atm. He's gonna be working till Friday morning. Right now it's Monday. He may still be holding onto some hope that this is just a really bad fight.

And ever since my epiphany Saturday (hasn't even been 2 full days I can't believe it) I've looked at my anxiety in a new way. I can't have interactions not just because I fear intimacy- but because I fear the fall-out from BF. I'm obsessing about what people think about me because that's what I HAVE TO DO with BF to keep him happy. What I had to do to keep mom happy...

Maybe I'm OCD. Maybe I'm not anything. Maybe I'm just a normal person caught in a situation that hurt them?

What I can't think about too much is- what if it's my fault?

What if he's normal and I changed him into my mom?

Will I always do that to anyone in my life?

Am I doomed to isolation?

How did I miss all this and what the HELL happened to me???!!!!!!!!!!????!?!?

It all makes sense. I believe you are okay. Get rid of him.