Mind is shattering. Stuck in life

I've definitely been on this forum before under a different name, years ago, but I'm the flakiest person ever so here I am again, and I probably won't stick around for long this time around either. I join forums a lot but something always makes me quit eventually. I'm writing here today because I really think I'm cracking psychologically. This is the most broken and the most dangerous I've ever been, perhaps even more than when I was 15. That is bad!

I'm not sure where to start with my story, so please bear with me if it turns out to be long-winded. Firstly, I'm 28, living at home with my parents, who care for me. I dropped out of school at 14 due to bullying, and right after I dropped out I developed a fear of leaving the house. I just couldn't face being in public, around people, especially teenagers. I've had social anxiety my entire life, since I was a very young child; I would run out of the room if someone knocked on the door, I was silent and awkward with family, and I cried a lot at school. I've been afraid of talking on the phone my whole life. Amazingly, I had friends at school, but I was "the ugliest" and the biggest loser come secondary school/high school, so school was unbearable thanks to all the other kids. Teachers were horrible too, and the year before I dropped out, my parents and I were in a lot of trouble with the school and the courts for my truancy. I tried to explain the bullying to the woman at school who basically interrogated me over the truancy, but she was nasty, and just said, "Well I saw you hugging lots of friends this morning so it can't be that bad." My dad had anger issues in those days, so I was often having screaming matches with him, a lot of the time over my reluctance to go to school, where I would slam my bedroom door, he would kick it, I'd kick back, on and on and on while we're both screaming like demons. His eyes looked demonic. This is behaviour he displayed from my earliest memories until I was 17, when he suddenly stopped, for no reason I can identify. I found out that my home life was extremely chaotic and turbulent when I was a baby until about the age of 6 (if not later), I have no memory of it but I wonder if it was the "cause" of all my psychological and emotional problems. My dad was apparently a thief, a shoplifter, and there were police raids on the house. He "took pills" that he promised to stop. He had anger issues with my brothers. My mother went to a domestic violence centre. And she threw him out so many times but took him back within 2 weeks. By the time I started school, I was anxious as heck and afraid of the world. I'm the youngest by 8 years and the only girl.

So, for the last 11 years I have been leaving the house, but only if someone is with me. I've shopped alone and tried to be in public places on my own for certain amounts of time, but I never got better. The last time I completely froze and panicked and my confidence was lost - I think I burnt out, I'd worked very hard over the summer, making appointments over the phone and shopping by myself, so I finally broke. I feel self conscious in public and anxious around lots of people. I'm also afraid of buying things at the till, ordering food, that sort of thing. I always go to appointments with my mother, which I'm feeling very ashamed of at almost 30. But I feel like I don't understand things, the way things work; I think I'm "too stupid" to do things appropriately. For example, what if I don't know how to sign in for an appointment, or where I'm supposed to go? I am called "disabled" and I am quite childlike. I have a favourite teddy bear that I mess around with, at 28 this is something that worries me (but then, my friends mess around with bears too, it's something we do together - God knows what's wrong with us). I don't know if childlike tendencies are a part of mental illnesses, or if it's something else that needs to be diagnosed. I don't have much general knowledge, have struggled with basic math my whole life, don't know my science, geography, history etc. I don't trust myself to cook and no one else does either. No one even trusts me to cross the road safely on my own - now that does worry me. I think I may be stupid. I'm definitely not an adult in mind, and I hate it. I wish someone would tell me why I'm a kid.

Speaking of hating things... my self esteem is awful. My self image is a mixture of extremely negative and non existent. I feel distant and separate from myself, I'm aware of what's wrong with me mentally (mental health workers have told me I possess good self awareness), but I feel abandoned by myself, and I avoid my true feelings. I judge myself for every tiny thing I do, as if someone is watching me and criticising the way I do things. I insult myself in my head many times throughout the day. I have two best friends, but I feel anxious and tense with them after many years (over 20 years with one of them!), and I feel incredible shame when I think about stupid things I've said in the past that got bad reactions. I want to move away, say "nice knowing ya, it's been good, but I've got to go now." I have no other friends and I avoid people like the plague. I'm a mute when I meet new people and I come away hating myself. Or, I'm a hyper bimbo that says complete crap, and I file away the experience as Reason to Never Socialise, for the rest of my life. Honestly, I still think about a day where I met a group of people 8 years ago, acted STUPID beyond anything you could imagine, and I wish they'd forget I exist! I don't participate online very much because I'm always afraid someone will say something to me that's even remotely disagreeable. I feel so hurt so easily. I also feel like I don't belong anywhere, that I'm not welcome, and not likeable. I think I'm unlikable as a person and I end up feeling pointless on forums - hence, my leaving! I avoid apps if someone wants to chat with me. Thing is, I'm lonely as hell; I truly think I'm fading away in my isolation and my sadness. I'm a maladaptive daydreamer, so I spend hours each day daydreaming. I want a life, I want friends, people... but I'm so terrified of people, and most of all, myself. I don't trust myself around other humans. I avoid.

So, right now, I'm trying to claim for PIP disability benefit, I've been on DLA/ESA since I was 17. Actually, my dad is claiming for me because I don't understand. My home life is sad, both my parents very negative people, and we are a dysfunctional family. To be honest... I hate living here, I hate this house. I get no joy from listening to a CD or watching a DVD in my room - I hate my room. I hate here. I listen to Spotify and I dance and lip sync, joke and laugh (somehow I'm always joking and laughing), but I don't feel real joy. It feels/is fake. A lie. Just numbing. I'm a chatterbox, but only with my parents, and they don't care! I'm usually zoned out. I'm bored, lonely... I want to move on, but as I say, I'm childlike and don't understand how to live independently. I actually don't understand anything, even how to pay bills. I also fear living alone because my loneliness will surely get 1000 times worse. I'm trapped. I've been single for 7 years and that isn't going to change! So it's parents or just me. I'm not getting any kind of treatment at the moment and the mental health system has had enough of me. More than a decade in the system, I've had CBT twice, psychotherapy (was cut short), art therapy, I've been to Rethink, dozens of psychiatrists, had 3 support workers... The treatment they are pushing on me is exposure therapy, feeling "more comfortable in public." But as I've been going out in public for 11 years, I don't see the point. My mind has never changed in all that time. They want the support worker to take me to all the places I've been going since 2007. I'm tired... honestly, I'm tired.

God, this is long! Sorry. Life story. I don't actually know what I want in response to this, so sorry if the long-winded post is totally pointless. I just... really feel like I'm cracking. Since 2016 my mind has been shattering into pieces. Today I have been sitting on the sofa, looking sad and anti social, wanting to cry but not feeling able to. For days I have wanted to sob but I haven't managed it. My parents feel like tear-blockers too! No, I don't get privacy. I also have severe OCD that is driving me mad right now, mugs and crockery... that's all I'm saying. And suicidal ideation. Well thank you for reading.

Hi Somni,

I read your entire post and just want to say I'm sorry that you didn't get the start in life and support through your early years that you should have.

You sound defeated, but you are still here posting so that is positive, although I doubt you see it that way.

Your home environment sounds toxic and I think moving away from home would show you that you can cope.

Yes, altogether these issues you have look like Everest, but if you break them down to individual issues, I believe you can tackle them.

What could you do that would help you move out? I think that should be one of your priorities. As long as you stay where you are, you will remain with the same mindset.

What are the other most pressing issues if you had to list them?

Hi Sonmi,

I read your whole post, skimmed none of it, something I hardly ever do when they are longish. That's amazing because I usually just can't manage to make it all the way through a long post. I would say you write extremely well.

I don't know what I can add of value to you as you've been in therapy etc. But I'll try anyhow.

I think the reason I was so interested in your post is that I related to a lot of it, especially feeling like I can't understand things. I would try to tackle that one first if I were you because I think it's almost mandatory in order to get some sort of independence. I am pretty sure you would be able to understand all the things you said you can't right now, because judging from your writing, you are intelligent. You just don't have the confidence yet.

I also suffer from a crippling fear of looking foolish when I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do before I try something new. It's so much easier nowadays to conquer that through the internet and youtube. Doesn't work for all things, but some of them.

I have a suggestion. I went and did a search on youtube for "how to pay bills". There are several videos. How about pulling some up and learning how to pay bills, then maybe writing down the steps in a notebook. I really believe you can do it. That might help with your self confidence.

I'm big on baby steps for conquering fears and gaining confidence. I think moving out would be way too big to do in one step, that would be an ultimate goal which would be the culmination of a long series of steps. The bill paying thing is a start. Then maybe there is something else you can conquer. Write them all down and break them down into tiny steps. Don't try to go too fast though because that can lead to feeling overwhelmed. I think you found that out but came to the wrong conclusion.

I tried to do a new thing or go somewhere new every day and burnt out after only 2 days . That was OK, I just realized maybe twice a week was better.

Also, I just wanted to say that there are worse things than being alone. I found that out the hard way, so I tell everybody that every chance I get.

Good luck to you.