How to develop relationship

I have a 32 year old daughter that I think (from what I’ve read) has AvPD disorder. She has been hurt in relationships and the pushing away has become more and more prevalent. I’m her mom, I desperately want to have a relationship with her. I want to give her the space she needs, but yet feel that if I don’t reach out she will feel unwanted. She has no friends. She has to have a man in her life and pours herself into that relationship that she has no relationship with her parents or her sister. Any advice as to what I should do, I would be grateful.
What should I do to reach out? It breaks my heart. How do I reach out? I

Momneedsadvice wrote:She has to have a man in her life and pours herself into that relationship that she has no relationship with her parents or her sister.

Hi,
I tried to understand your post. Please can you explain that sentence?
I'm not native english speaker and didn't understand.

Philonoe wrote:Hi,
I tried to understand your post. Please can you explain that sentence?
I'm not native english speaker and didn't understand.

Sounds like she is one of those people who can't be on her own. That's what I got out of it. I've seen women like that take really awful guys as bfs.

Yes, Parador. That is what I meant about her needing a guy in her life.

She has no friends and is blocking out her family. I want to have a relationship...Im her mom! How should I reach out?

i doubt many people with avpd are relationship experts. My closest relationship is with my cat.

Just send her Christmas and birthday cards. Most relationships end badly and the one she has now probably will too. When it does she may turn to you. When she does don't blow it by criticizing her - even if she behaved stupidly.

Parador wrote:i doubt many people with avpd are relationship experts.

Parador is absolutely correct. This has never been any clearer.

How to develop relationship? Here's how not to develop relationship.

Started school few weeks ago. Guy classmate asked for my phone number. Can you imagine all the pain I felt? The paranoia, the jealousy, the grandiosity, most of all the desire to push him away. I started being mean to him (almost bullying) because I didn't know how to freakin act around him. I tried to be outgoing. Apparently, others saw it as being mean. If I was nice, I was extremely quiet and withdrawn. I have no opinion on most subjects, if I do I'm scared to say my opinion. There is nothing absolutely interesting about me. I have no interests. I just pretend I'm interested in something.

Yesterday, I was acting really strange towards the guy. I want to be friends with him but I don't know how. I probably ended up pushing him away. He ended up saying he liked me (probably to make me feel better.) I told him it is dangerous to like me. Yet here I am wishing that he would text me. I am checking my phone regularly hoping to get a text from him, browsing relationship sites for advice. I am determined to be nice to him now, hoping he would turn into a friend, by the time my program ends. The worst part of it all? I am experiencing delusions now that he is totally in love with me. No matter what I hope will happen, this would be another disaster.

Parador wrote:i doubt many people with avpd are relationship experts. My closest relationship is with my cat.

Just send her Christmas and birthday cards. Most relationships end badly and the one she has now probably will too. When it does she may turn to you. When she does don't blow it by criticizing her - even if she behaved stupidly.

Thank you for this. No, I would never criticize...that’s not who I am. Trying to understand why it is that she completely blocks everyone out but the one person .

Is it a specific guy or did the same happen in her past relationships? Since she was hurt, perhaps she wants to make sure that everything goes well this time and clings to him more than anything.

It could also be (although unlikely) that the guy has a bad influence, trying to isolate her from others. Sounds like your daughter is betting a lot on this relationship so she might be susceptible to things like badmouthing the family and the like. (As I said, quite unlikely. I do not want to her boyfriend)

I live quite far away from my family and personally, I find staying in touch with them rather difficult. Often I also just forget about it since I am preoccupied with other things. Add to that, that I do not respond well to very general questions like "Is everything alright?" or "How are things going?". My responses to such questions are usually a sentence at most and that tends to kill conversations quite quickly.

Instead, asking more specific questions makes me feel like my family actually wants to know something and is interested. It also lifts the burden of coming up with an interesting or creative response since I know what they want to know. Perhaps you could try that if you haven't done it already? It will not work if she's feeling hostile towards you though.

Thank you for the info! I appreciate it. Her dad and I went to see her a couple days ago. It went very bad. She wants nothing to do with me. The things she’s told me she’s upset about, are very stretched truths. She clearly needs to manipulate. Everything is everyone else’s fault. She wants to keep contact with dad but not me. Right now, I feel I will stay away and let the contact drop. My husband is thinking of doing the same...as a united front. Maybe in a couple months send a card to say I love you.

She seems to want some space, so I would give that to her. It sounds like your daughter is upset with you. I am not sure if this is typicial AvPD because it seems that she gave you reasons why she is avoiding you. What reasons did she give for being upset?