I dont wwant to be like this!

It seems that i have avpd however sometımes i am confused.....İ got these symptoms of avpd from the internet.....maybe some of you can help me...1-persistent and pervasive feelings of tension and apprehension= =YES TRUE. ...while i am with people i feel lower thann them..2-Belief that one is socially inept personally unappealıng or inferior to others=====Totataly true...Maybe thıs ıs the maın reason that ı dont contact wıth people cuz ı know that i wont fullfill their social needs ..3 Excessive preoccupation with being critisized or rejected in social situations// =himmm i can say that i never think of i will be critisezed and worry about it but when i am critisized i can get hurt..sometimes it depends on the persons character..But the thing is that i cannot defend my self and that makes me feel oppressive (oppression)....4=Unwillingness to become involved with people unlless certain of being liked====YEAAAAHH!!!!....this is true! totally..5=Avoids social activites=yess/...Restrictioin lifestyle because of need to have physical security ===????WHAT DOES this mean didnt understand...But probably thats true for me too..Never mind i just want to say i am 18 years old male and i am sick and tired of this disorder...I am always at home bored have no friends cant go out and feel depressed....So do i have avpd\? and if i have i want to overcome it even 50 or 60 percent of it...what should i do first???...I am talking with my mother and she doesnt believe in psychology and she thinks that i am only shy...and she is 60 years old and i dont want to make her upset by telling her that i have serious problem about this...i am stuck..and very upset ..i want to get better however its to hard very hard...i will go nuts everyday in the house in the summer.. ...Its like there is a big wall between me and the people and i cant pass that wall and i am only looking from the window ...i wanna pass that wall but i cant ..The desire of social interaction and social excitement is killing me everyday!!!!....I cant find a word for this i am feeling very bad !!!!!...I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE AND BE HAPPY .do u want to much_? ...

HF, I'm sorry you are still suffering.

It seems that you are asking for help. It sounds like you definitely have avoidant traits, probably anxiety and depression. Being and remaining isolated makes things feel worse.

Until you find the opportunity to seek help, are you able to access library materials? There are quite a few books you can check out and work through and help yourself break the chains that are holding you back from enjoying life the way you deserve.

A really good book is "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns, M.D. Working through the concepts in that book will give you some tools to reduce your anxiety and fears of other people and social situations. There was another excellent book I read called something like "Overcoming Shyness", can't remember the exact title or author but try finding a similar book.

The trick is to make small steps towards breaking your isolation, but pushing yourself a little each time to increase your tolerance of socializing.

I know it seems daunting, but please don't despair. If you want someone to talk to or have further questions, you are welcome to send me a PM or ask them here. Hang in there, bud.

Even though my social isolation was self-imposed and happenned because of the APD, my self image convinces me that it came about because nobody likes me and that there's a reason for that. I've fooled myself into thinking this even though I know it's not true.

I did this to myself by always staying at home.

I wish somebody could come into my life to reassure me I'm important.

If I died, nobody would even notice

That's all I keep thinking about, hopefully those thoughts don't continue.

I've always been quiet and shy, but my situation has gotten worse and worse over the last 10 months.

10 months ago, I moved out to go to college. I tried to study electronics, but after less than one month, I knew I was in serious trouble. Needless to say, I had to call it quits after one semester. Now, here I am, a guy in his 20s, all by himself, with monthly bills to pay and no education to get a decent job.

I guess I should go and get a job to pay these bills since I'm done with college, right? Problem is, I almost never leave my apartment. I go out once a week to get some groceries, that's about it. I've been living in my own place for 10 months, and do you know how many times I went out on a Friday or Saturday night to "have some fun"?

Once. On December 20th, my birthday(which wasn't even on a weekend). I had a couple of drinks and went home. Geez, what fun.
I don't have any friends whatsoever and I have no idea what to do with my life. I have nothing to live for and nobody to share my so called life with. Sometimes I hate myself for wasting hundreds of weekends by staying home and playing video games or watching movies.

I had one good friend. We knew each other for thirteen years, he was almost like a brother to me. "Well, what happened?", you might ask.

Five weeks after moving away I received a message on my cell phone from my mother, informing me that my friend had died of pulmonary embolism. He was 24 years old.

I feel like I've created my own private hell. I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, I mean, you're only young once, right? If this is the best part, then I don't think that I want to be around once it gets worse.

Anyway, I wrote a couple of applications and mailed them last Monday. I was supposed to have my cell phone turned on in case I'd get a call regarding a job. So, what did I do? I had my cell phone turned off during the whole week. Why? Because the thought of having to go outside to do an interview for a job terrified me.

I'm done. If there was a time when I had potential and promise, it's long gone by now. I'm just an empty shell, a failure. I won't go back to school, there would be no point in doing so. The years of isolation and severe depression have taken their toll on me. I'm not even half the person I used to be. I'm just a ghost, a shadow of my former self. My social skills have crumbled to the point of non-existence. I can't connect with anybody, I feel terribly lonely when I'm around other people.

I'm pretty sure I won't be around in five years from now. I've suffered enough, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of sitting on my bed, crying. I'm tired of looking at a face that gets older as time goes by, and I'm tired of being afaid of the future. To experience nothing can't be worse than this.

CrazyHamster wrote:I'm done. If there was a time when I had potential and promise, it's long gone by now. I'm just an empty shell, a failure. I won't go back to school, there would be no point in doing so. The years of isolation and severe depression have taken their toll on me. I'm not even half the person I used to be. I'm just a ghost, a shadow of my former self. My social skills have crumbled to the point of non-existence. I can't connect with anybody, I feel terribly lonely when I'm around other people.

I'm pretty sure I won't be around in five years from now. I've suffered enough, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of sitting on my bed, crying. I'm tired of looking at a face that gets older as time goes by, and I'm tired of being afaid of the future. To experience nothing can't be worse than this.

I just wanted to say that I've been feeling exactly the same way for the last few years and I'm nearly 33. But I've been realizing that there's no particular 'best' years in which to have fun and I'm trying to find a way to make my 30s the best ones so far, and then my 40s will hopefully be even better.

I haven't gotten there yet and every day is still a struggle for me, but I'm finally understanding the old line, "Where there's life, there's hope". Even though I, too, have zero friends right now and no social life at all, there's no way of knowing that won't change. Hang in there and just keep trying your best. It is possible to turn things around, at any age. And it'll be worth it. It's never too late to go back to school. Heck, you hear about people in their 60s doing it all the time. I'll be doing it myself one day and I'm older than you.

CrazyHamster wrote:I'm done. If there was a time when I had potential and promise, it's long gone by now. I'm just an empty shell, a failure. I won't go back to school, there would be no point in doing so. The years of isolation and severe depression have taken their toll on me. I'm not even half the person I used to be. I'm just a ghost, a shadow of my former self. My social skills have crumbled to the point of non-existence. I can't connect with anybody, I feel terribly lonely when I'm around other people.

I'm pretty sure I won't be around in five years from now. I've suffered enough, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of sitting on my bed, crying. I'm tired of looking at a face that gets older as time goes by, and I'm tired of being afaid of the future. To experience nothing can't be worse than this.

Please don't give up. I've been in exactly the same situation as you. I spent my entire twenties being utterly alone. not going out at all, birthdays just another day etc etc. When I got to 35 I was given a chance by another person. Through her I've gotten out of my rut, gotten my career on track, and most importantly of all made friends, not only through her ethnic community, but through my own efforts. The contrast between who I am now and who I was ten, twenty years ago is chalk and cheese.

It can happen. I met my wife through a personal ad, which is not how I envisaged it would happen, nor wanted it to happen. But despite our problems, I thank my lucky stars that it did happen