What does your life look like right now?

What does an AvPD case even look like? Do you blend in seamlessly while dying on the inside? Are you holed up in a house or apartment somewhere? Are you one of those people who go around, sounding slightly hysterical like you're not really buying your morning coffee, but there's someone outside who's kidnapped you and you're about to go back into the trunk when you leave the store? Do you make eye contact with people? Do you have childlike body language? Do you have a single partner, but no social life outside of that? Are you functional at work but have never been close to anyone or ever had a relationship?

It's supposedly like 1-2% of the population. I was recently diagnosed, although I might be a mixed borderline case and was not told because of how self esteem destroying that diagnosis is. Personally, it's obvious something's wrong with me. I don't socialize. I constantly look uncomfortable in social situations. I look weird. I'm homeless and hopefully can find a job through the Department of Rehabilitation but I fear I'm in this zone of being too functional to qualify for SSI and not functional enough to actually manage to snag another job, even being a tax break.

I quality as a high functioning avoidant evolving into schizoid as I age. Got a job got a cat. Talk to people at work a bit.

It looks like a huge battle between my conscious that really really really want to get rid of this disorder and my deeper thoughts that won't stop telling me with every second what a tremendous failure i am. Although i am a doctor who graduated last year and did not fail any year. I just still feel very very low compared to other people. Everyone around me is more successful, brilliant and know what they are doing in their lives except me. I do therapy...i do relaxing sessions... i practice mindfulness meditation..i call and meet people i never called even though i feel they are gonna hate me for contacting.. I fight the urge to just sit home and waste my time browsing internet with trying to contact as many people as i can. I fight to keep each person i knew and avoided for years to get back and give me another shot. I try to excract every tiny emotion from people that could help me raise my self-esteem. I talk to this man i have a crush for everyday even when my mind is torturing me for it and whisper how stupid and worthless i am cause my crush never seem to care much about me or my life. He only tells me about his accomplishments and girlfriend and huge number of contacts and how he saw everything in his life and did everything while my mind is squeezing me cause i spent most of my 25 years afraid and terrified behind walls. But i can now have some moments without this fear and it is the best feeling ever...FREEDOM

I was here last time 7 years ago. Even forgot my login info. I manage my life, but I do have the feeling like I´m somekind of turd in disguise. "Turning schizoid as I age" <- that sounds about right!

Syne82v2 wrote:I was here last time 7 years ago. Even forgot my login info. I manage my life, but I do have the feeling like I´m somekind of turd in disguise. "Turning schizoid as I age" <- that sounds about right!

What was your ID back then? I don't feel like a turd. I just don't feel like I'm really part of the human race. In actuality I feel superior to most of the human morons. It helps to read all the idiotic comments people write online.

Right now my life is like a rollercoaster. "Up" (positive, good) days and then "down" ones. Probably having menopause & ADHD along with AvPD doesn't help much, either. I have times when I want to be among others, and I try, but fail because I don't have an interesting life. Then I have times I want absolutely nothing to do with people, and just want to do whatever is necessary to survive. I would rather stay in bed and dream pleasant dreams than deal with reality and society.

Lately I've had some days where I wish I didn't have to work anymore to support myself, and be alone with my cats. I know that's unhealthy, but I feel like it's necessary. A day, a weekend, or even a week off isn't enough. I need a few weeks. Maybe even a couple of months.

I think some of the problem could be depression. I had a friend online that I talked to over the phone many times. He's an alcoholic but he was so sweet. I tried to encourage him. We would laugh and he made me feel special. A few weeks ago, he was admitted to the ICU and is now on life support. He's over 1,500 miles away and I can't visit him or talk to him. That has worn on me. Also, my mom really embarrassed me when I visited her a few months ago, screaming and yelling at me (can you imagine an 80-something old woman screaming and yelling at her daughter? That's ma.) because she claimed I "embarrassed" her while she was talking on the phone to her boyfriend. I don't know if I was eavesdropping or not, since she always has him on the speakerphone so their conversations can be heard throughout her house. I tried to apologize to her, but she had none of it. Now she's back to her old manipulative bullying ways.

Thank God for cats.

BTW Parador, "concats" on getting a cat!

My life looks promising. Somedays I don't want to be bothered by anything or anyone. Other days I have lots of patients and tolerance for others - depends if I'm on a high or low and that depends on my mood which depends on what I'm thinking about. Vicious cycle.

Parador wrote: What was your ID back then? I don't feel like a turd. I just don't feel like I'm really part of the human race. In actuality I feel superior to most of the human morons. It helps to read all the idiotic comments people write online.

I just added the v2.In my case, I stopped expecting people to like me or at least I don´t dwell in it. There aren´t that many people anyway that I´d feel comfortable having as a friend and all the rest is pretty insignificant. I´m fine as long as I can keep myself socialized somehow.