Minor progress and major setbacks, I feel lost

I’m not entirely sure what the point of this post is, I think I’m mainly just looking to clear my head. It’s possible that the whole thing really belongs in the venting forum.


For most of my adult life I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. The first therapist I saw wanted to diagnose me with avoidant personality disorder, but since getting an official diagnosis meant dragging my parents into the whole thing and interviewing them I declined. Thus, I’ve never been officially diagnosed with anything. I agree that AvPD seems fitting though as the symptoms and thought patterns that I’m experiencing check most of the boxes for that diagnosis. I can also relate a lot to what other people write on the AvPD subforum.

It’s been about a decade since I first realized or accepted that I have mental issues, and over that decade I have made some progress when it comes to stabilizing my living situation and working towards the life I thought I wanted to live. I have finished a college degree, moved out from my parents’ house and held a couple of jobs that I have been reasonably happy with. I have also been in therapy and tried a few different meds. Venlafaxine (Effexor) had a major positive effect on my anxiety, so I was on it for several years. My ability to cope with everyday social situations and deal with difficult co-workers and clients has improved.

In my mid-to-late twenties there were two or three years where I was pretty content with life. Unfortunately, things turned very sour at my then-current job for various reasons and I eventually ended up quitting. During all this I started drinking a bit, although it hadn’t become an actual problem yet. Up until then I would only drink alcohol on the rare occasion that I got invited to some social event where everyone else was drinking.

After a few months I landed a new job that seemed promising, although it forced me to move halfway across the country. This was a little over two years ago, around the time when I first created an account on these forums and wrote an introductory post. The new job turned out to be pretty great. The colleagues were generally nice and most of the work was really interesting. I learned a lot, and my self-image improved. I finally felt professionally useful and appreciated.

Unfortunately, my mental state was deteriorating in other areas, and I completely failed to take action or even really notice it. I felt increasingly lonely and depression crept up on me again. It became hard to keep my head occupied outside of work. Hobbies and interests lost their appeal, and when I’m idle for too long I tend to get into negative thought spirals that quickly become self-perpetuating if I’m not able to break out of them quickly. I compensated by drinking more and more, which is obviously not a good idea.

Despite this I made some major progress in late 2016 and early 2017: I finally worked up the courage to start looking for a girlfriend. A few months into 2017 I got into my first ever relationship with someone I met on the internet. It was short-lived and we only met once, but that week was probably the happiest of my life.

After the relationship ended I kept drinking to the point where it got completely out of control, and this summer I got a DUI sentence. I’d been drinking heavily the night before, overslept for work and it just never occurred to me that I should be walking instead of driving. I went through a routine DUI checkpoint and lost my license for more than a year, plus a hefty fine.

After the DUI incident I had a complete breakdown and spent a few days in a psych ward. Although my job at the time was mostly an office gig it did involve a bit of driving, since the organization had several buildings that were miles away from the main office. Being without a license would be a major hindrance, and I would have to explain to people time and again why I was suddenly without a license. I couldn’t take it and quit.

Around this time a childhood friend offered me a job at his current company. The job was closer to my hometown and he guaranteed that my lack of license would not be a problem. This seemed like a possible way out the complete mess I’d gotten myself into, so I accepted.

I lasted a little over a month in the new job before everything came crashing down in my head. There was no single, clearly defined cause for this, it felt more like I finally ran out of energy and will to fight, and the fragile scaffolding I’d built to keep mind together collapsed.

I sent a letter of resignation and turned my phone off. Right now I’m back at my mother’s house in my hometown, waiting for the tenant in my old apartment (which I still own) to clear out his stuff so I can move back in. My phone is still off.

I feel completely lost. It’s like all the progress I’ve made in the last ten years was for nothing. Even if I get my license and a decent job back I don't know what the point of it would be, because it obviously wasn't enough to make me happy. I’m back where I was at 20, except I’m 30 now, without a driver’s license and feeling even more tired and hopeless.

To be completely honest I’m not even sure what I want out of life anymore. I’m lonely, but my AvPD traits make it extremely hard to interact with people and impossible to look for a partner outside of the internet. Finding compatible people has proved nigh impossible anyway, I know that from experience. I need a job to keep myself busy and away from the rabbit hole of negative thoughts in my head, but around here it’s hard to find one that isn’t retail or customer service AND doesn’t require a driver’s license. If I don’t work until I get my license back there will be a gaping hole in my CV, and I have no idea what I’d even say about that. “I was freelancing a bit”? “Took a year off”?

Everything just feels wrong and off. I have family around me, but I don’t feel close to them. They all seem like strangers, even my mother. This town feels wrong, the scenery feels wrong, I should be somewhere else doing something completely different. I’m starting to wonder if there’s something more that is wrong with me outside of the depression, anxiety and AvPD traits.

If I don’t work until I get my license back there will be a gaping hole in my CV, and I have no idea what I’d even say about that. “I was freelancing a bit”? “Took a year off”?

Why are you so worried about this?

Has the ongoing state of your being not been more worrisome than any other worry which would be caused by a gaping hole in your CV and justifying it?

Do you find it impossible to admit to having been in a rut?

Don't you think many people at (a) certain phase(s) of their life are forced to take time off in order to recuperate, from a burn-out for instance?

Everything just feels wrong and off. I have family around me, but I don’t feel close to them. They all seem like strangers, even my mother. This town feels wrong, the scenery feels wrong, I should be somewhere else doing something completely different. I’m starting to wonder if there’s something more that is wrong with me outside of the depression, anxiety and AvPD traits.

(in response to bolded, final sentence)
Maybe there isn't as much wrong with you personally as with the whole network in which you have been finding your self(?) which doesn't nourish you in the way it should.