I do still even now really overthink people's disapproval in my head though. (but as a child, i was used to it since i was different and had a speech impediment and normal bullying yada yada) I also still can't handle hearing criticism even over the phone and usually it is my mum talking about me to my nan but nope gotta go somewhere where i can't hear it. Anyway in high school this was just normal to me even when i became aware it was somewhat abnormal i didn't really care.
So yea in i think year 10 of high school i met my now best friend luuk in special needs gcse exam sessions and we gotta know each other and it was kind of natural and moved on in stages where we first met in the morning waiting for the exams to start, meeting outside of that time at like lunchtime and we also saw each other in some of our gcse classes, although i only really remember talking in history and drama (maybe we had our love of history and tolerance of drama in common?). Throughout all this we grew closer discovered our similarities, differences and stuff.
Oh and here is a summary of my other socialising situations: A very close school friend who moved to Australia when i was like primary/middle school age (didn't really affect me i don't think), another primary/middle school close friend who i grew apart with since i stopped gaming and youtube video recording fairly recently (he got bullied hard and moved to a different set of schools than me mid middle school). I think we were good friends but i don't think of him all that much and when i do think of him it is me mentioning i haven't seen or spoke to him in ages and have he got the new nintendo switch and that i would love to play switch games or i check out his youtube channel and think man he is passionate 7 years frequent uploading quality content and not even 500+ subs, wish i could be that passionate in my recent writing of short stories.
Anyway moving on after i finished high school i tried to do a 2 year public services course, befriended nobody though i don't think i tried all that much and think i weirded out the more supportive peers with my social ineptness or something like that and i basically gave up on any motivation after i discovered my very real inability to do my childhood dream job (police dog handler) which i think worsened my then minor depression and maybe a bit of my anxiety so i gave up on that course mid 2nd year and got nothing because it was a 2 year degree or nothing course
After that i tried a somewhat easier course at a different college to do with caring for animals (i consider myself a animal lover i would say). That was fine (despite me ignoring anything to do with my peers part from maybe group work which still didn't work out all that great), it was going fine until my somewhat worsening anxiety, sorta more intensive depressive thoughts and other "quirks?" of my personality (maybe just my inner laziness
) caused me to skip college for a good few months and stay at home (though at college times i went to my local library with earphones and just read). This almost resulted in a fail but my kind and hardworking tutor obtained me the ability to do it at home so i can get a pass grade yay 
(the college offered me some sort of personal tutor before but it didn't go anywhere for me it was my fault but meh at least i admit that ;P).So anyway that is a brief summary of my life with personally suspected Avoidant Personality Disorder and diagnosed asperger syndrome (it is high functioning though), depression, anxiety and social anxiety (it is that or social phobia?or are they 2 different things?I've no clue
). I believe i am posting because i did a Avoidant Personality Disorder Test as i read about the disorder on one of my weird times i browsed the various disorders on the NHS Website and got the result of:(i don't live in America but it surely is similar in its symptoms?)
You Have Avoidant Personality Disorder Test
How much Shy feelings you have: Very High
Sensitive to rejection: Very High
According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), a person diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder needs to show at least four of the following criteria:
According to your score you have showed 5 signs (full thing i think is http://illnessquiz.com/avoidant-persona ... Y4OTMwNg==
The thing is it says We are sorry to say that you have avoidant personality disorder but you can get back on track by consulting mental health professional.
However despite my suspicions i still don't care all that much to consult my GP and all that. The most recent time i got diagonsed with a non mental illness was 6-8 months ago where i got assessed and later diagnosed with asperger syndrome (high functioning) and all that did for me was get me appointments in the NHS system quicker. Maybe it will help me later on when i am not mostly house bound (somewhat by choice but meh) and try to get a job, last experience i had was like 3 years ago where i volunteered at a charity shop and steamed (ironed) clothes in the back room and some other misc stuff. I was fine there with basic interaction with the staff there so idk what my problem is most of the time really.
I also don't know what i want out of social life really. Enjoying it more overall would be fun, i can only see my best friend 1 to 2 times a month and most other days that aren't these days (i do enjoy these but it is my limit and i don;t like that it is my limit...) are total off days even for family (though my mum can get in the "bubble" sometimes if i really need to get something out). I want to be writer and even enjoy and think i am even quite good at writing stories but i feel that i am limited in everything i do to do with this.
Even when i am in the right "mindset". something holds me back and i don't think this Cognitive Behavioural Therapy i have in like 4 months is gonna help this! I am in a limbo once again ha. I made my suicidal thoughts go away or at least lower in intensity after i had a breakdown and got seen in A and E but my mind is just in another unhealthy place with a few more happy moments (through my own effort mind you!...).
I went out for food since it was one of the days i hang out with L and even just small embarrassing things like forgetting how to use a ATM since i haven't been out of the house casually in like 2 months boil over in my head and guess what the coping mechanism i chose was? Talking to L to distract my over active mind and guess what i am worst at socially... Conversations! Man i talked about my dog MIssy and i kept apologising for her behaviour and feeling bad he was real nervous around her even when she is in her cage and he accepted my apology a large number of times on a walk that only took like 10-15mins and then i asked if a meal that stated it came with chips on the menu poster came with chip because the wording sort of confused me and i wanted to make sure i couldn't be put in a somewhat awkward situation if ya know what i mean.
Oh this is because i have to keep L away and hidden from her because she hates his guts for reasons me and my parents have no clue of (we have no idea about her history, part from that she is a rescue dog and they think she had a female owner who never took her outside and never socialised with other dogs). Though the rescue place people did also say she really dislikes males. Despite i am a male (mind you i have really long hair) and my dad is a male (bald what do ya know). She loves me and my dad, though she adores my mother and barks/ She also barks and growls at 2 of my brothers who live in the house but meh, i ain't close to them and prob never will be
Oh and sorry for the long and sort of ranty post, my posts are always like this yet i can't write even a bad long story in my head and have never attempted due to this
Anyways despite this i will end this on a happy note, i am gonna be done with my home college coursework this month and i can focus on getting even just a bit of long form writing done. I KNOW i want to write books as a career but some part of me seems to resist the long time it will take to write even one chapter and i know it sounds seem but on some thing i can handle pressure but other things i can't so its tough but i think i will get through this. It is just another episode in my life and even if i am only one who understand the episodes of my life i have wrote down recently that's fine with me
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