Letter to Dad 2

Hey Pop, I've been thinking about our visit last week. Unexplainable, but I had anxiety about coming up there and had resolved to just stay home. We talked about how I really want my kids to experience what I didn't growing up and that is a sense of belonging and family. Needless to say we had an enjoyable time, yet my anxiety still lingered on. I was reliving all of our past fights, all the times I felt abandoned by you, all of the broken promises just kept creeping up. I put on my mask and kept my composure even though it felt like my nervous system had been hacked. We talked. I told you that i was happy for you and that I still look for your approval. You responded in your normal way. No connection just reaction. You told me that you would move closer to me and my family and boom! I was 6 years old again waiting by the front door for you to take me to the basketball game you promised me. Then I'm 11 years old with an old number of yours that no longer works so I have to phone book search and operator please help me find my dad. I felt it all over again. I know I said i would accept you as you are. But my pain is so deep.

I feel you.

It's so hard to want these relationships, but fear them as well.

Every time I'm with my mom it's the same thing. We all have a nice time, but I'm stuck reliving those memories of abandonment.

"What do you want from her?" I ask myself. All I can think is that I wanted to be loved when it mattered most.

I know we can't change the past, but the emotional baggage is too much. I feel cheated.

And I feel shame that I can't let it go. Even though she did me wrong I feel like the bad guy.