Dealing with loneliness (venting)

Hi. New here. I've had a rough weekend and stumbled upon this forum because I need to talk to someone, but I don't really have any real-life someones to confide in.

Here we go...

For context: I have a partner. We have a fairly stable relationship. He's the only non-family person in my life. He's also an extravert, which I feel makes our relationship challening at times because he doesn't understand my social struggles in the slightest.

Lately I have been combatting overwhelming feelings of loneliness. I haven't had a real friend who I can turn to and talk to for at least 4 years. In the past, I have had acquaintances who I shared superficial bonds with and could at least hang out with on occasion, but even those people have fallen away. These days, I don't text anyone, I don't Skype anyone, I don't hang out with anyone. I don't even have online friends through social media. Aside from my boyfriend, my immediate family (parents and a brother), and my cat, I don't have anyone in my life. I feel like the world around me constantly reminds me that I am weird and unwanted. Co-workers at my job who are around my age have formed a clique and are friends outside of work--I'm not part of their group. My partner makes friends easily and has several people who he hangs out with--I have no one but him.

My partner recently started a new job where he works late shifts and weekends. I work a 9-5 Monday through Friday job. My weekends are especially lonely now that the only person I talk to is busy all day and most of the night.

In the early evening this past Friday, my partner sent me a surprise text saying that he was going to hang out with a co-worker after work and not to wait up because he would be home late. Usually I try to push my loneliness and feelings of inadequacy out of my mind, throw on a fake smile, and keep moving, but when that happened... I just lost it. I had already had a lonelier than usual week at work--I kept my head down and hadn't even engaged in superficial interactions with coworkers for days on end. Hearing "hey, I'm going to have fun with a friend and won't be home until late" on Friday night by literally the only friend I have absolutely crushed me.

It hurts. I feel like the only person in the world who is like this--painfully weird and incapable of forming human connections. Everyone around me makes it look so easy. My mother tells me that it's my fault, and that I just need to "put myself out there" if I want friends... If only it were that simple.

I've spent the whole weekend miserable and crying my brains out. My partner feels bad and he just keeps telling me that he loves me and wants to help--but he can't help, and his love for me doesn't fix my problems. I appreciate his care but I am so lonely that it physically hurts; I cannot survive off of a social circle that consists of one person. That is not a happy or healthy life.

I feel broken and so alone. The worst part is that I don't even have someone to reach out to about it... My partner doesn't know how to respond to my feelings, and neither do my parents. Those are the the only resources I have, and they don't understand what I'm going through or know what to say or do--how could they? I feel like I'm stuck in solitary confinement in a way. I have no where to turn except inward. I feel like my brain is decaying and I'm slowly losing my mind.

Vent over. Thanks for reading. Maybe someone here can relate to this and find some comfort in not being alone.

tinkertayler wrote:It hurts. I feel like the only person in the world who is like this--painfully weird and incapable of forming human connections. Everyone around me makes it look so easy. My mother tells me that it's my fault, and that I just need to "put myself out there" if I want friends... If only it were that simple.

You're definitely not the only one that goes through that.

Even though your S/O is an extrovert, have you tried telling them your feelings about this? They may or may not understand, but I really think trust and communication are the two most important elements in a relationship.

They may not understand fully, but I think if they love you they will try, and perhaps you both can make some adjustments in your relationship together to make it easier.

One of the things in my own life that always frustrates me is people trying to make me change and to stop being this way. One even told me to stop "wallflowering". The truth is, many or most just wont understand. Self-acceptance has brought me far in that I simply accept that I AM different from most everyone else, and I've made peace with it and accept it.

If people will like you, truly like you for you, even though they may not be able to understand everything, they will still accept and love you for you.

I've stopped expecting people to 'get it'. I have one true friend that accepts me for me. And for me, that's all I need. That may not be the case for you, but I hope what I said helps in some way regardless.

You're definitely not alone in how you feel though.

All the best.

i do not understand though how you feel lonely when you have a boyfriend. i know is not good to only have one person and is a mistake but whenever i had a favorite person i didn't feel lonely. usually i feel because noone is a favorite or do not have a most close person that we have a bond or closest connection. is difficult for me to understand. isn't supposed to be your boyfriend the person you can turn to that makes you feel not alone

I agree with blank that the people close to you, especially your boyfriend, are the ones you can and perhaps should turn to. Having someone who loves you is already a great plus and I am sure that your boyfriend would be willing to listen to your worries. He might not grasp all of it but from what you described, he sounds like a very understanding person. I'm sure, by discussing the matter the two of you are certainly capable of finding a good comprise, taking each person's needs into account. If you tell him how you feel, he might try to be more considerate and also reserve time just for the two of you. On the other hand it's important to give him free time with other people too. As much as it hurts, that's also an important part of the relationship.

tinkertayler wrote:My partner recently started a new job where he works late shifts and weekends. I work a 9-5 Monday through Friday job. My weekends are especially lonely now that the only person I talk to is busy all day and most of the night.

I hope this does not come off as cheap advice but if socializing does not work directly, have you tried to find a hobby? Despite not having any close friends at all, the thought of "being alone" is definitely not as prominent when my mind is occupied with something. To me it's reading, taking walks, anime and manga (as you can tell by my picture) and to some extent even writing or sport. I'd also like to get a bit more into growing plants. But it can basically be everything that entertains you, be it pottery or video games. In the long run, somekind of relationship might even sprout out of any kind of hobby or passion.

tinkertayler wrote:It hurts. I feel like the only person in the world who is like this--painfully weird and incapable of forming human connections. Everyone around me makes it look so easy. My mother tells me that it's my fault, and that I just need to "put myself out there" if I want friends... If only it were that simple.

Rest assured, you aren't alone. For over a decade I did not have any close friends and romantic stuff is out of question. They always stay on a superficial level and if someone attempts to get closer that's where I shut the person out. From my perspective you already achieved a lot by establishing a close relationship with your parents and finding a loving boyfriend.

I don't know if this is any helpful but I felt like posting my opinion since I relate, especially to the difficulty of forming meaningful connections.

julllia wrote:i know is not good to only have one person and is a mistake

I don't agree with this. Even as a kid I was a loner and my mother took great issue with the fact that I only had one friend.

But the fact is, that is all I needed. And I would tell her or anyone the same thing, that just because someone isn't like you, doesn't mean that they are wrong. Just because something works for one, does not mean it works for another.

i want only one person too but the problem is what if you lose him? you couldn't handle that loss ,even if you do not have a mental illness or pd etc, it would be difficult,imagine if you do have a problem it would be devastating. you have no other emotional support.
i think the most healthy is when you are so strong emotionally that even if you lose everyone you feel ok and can find new again. but even for nons this is psychologically difficult to deal with

julllia wrote:i think the most healthy is when you are so strong emotionally that even if you lose everyone you feel ok and can find new again. but even for nons this is psychologically difficult to deal with

Exactly.

blank wrote:Even though your S/O is an extrovert, have you tried telling them your feelings about this? They may or may not understand, but I really think trust and communication are the two most important elements in a relationship.

I have talked to him about my feelings many a time. He doesn't have the highest emotional IQ and we communicate in dramatically different ways, so trying to make myself heard can be challenging. He tries to be understanding, but he definitely has trouble processing my perspective. Whenever I tell him that I don't have any friends and thus feel lonely, his response is: "But I'm your friend. You have me." When I tell him that the source of my upset is that I don't have anyone *else*, I think he struggles to accept that he alone cannot solve all of my problems. He cares and he wants to be able to cure my sadness, which I think in a way blinds him. He simply can't accept that this is an area where he can't do anything for me; no matter how much he loves me, I still need and crave connections with other people to feel happy and fulfilled.

julllia wrote:i want only one person too but the problem is what if you lose him? you couldn't handle that loss ,even if you do not have a mental illness or pd etc, it would be difficult,imagine if you do have a problem it would be devastating. you have no other emotional support.

I know everyone is different, but I personally don't want to place all my stock in one person. It doesn't feel healthy for my entire social world to revolve around one person. That's the state of my current situation--all of my emotional energy is dedicated to my partner. All of my eggs are in one basket, so to speak. He has other social outlets, which I think is healthy and important. I think your partner should be the most important person in your life, but for me I know it is not healthy for that to be my sole connection. It gets lonely, and expecting someone to always be available for you and to not spend time with anyone else is unrealistic and demanding far too much.

Some people are natural loners, and that lifestyle works for them. If you are (or can be) happy alone, more power to you. The thing for me is that I am not at all happy being alone. I am an introvert among other things, and I do require a lot of "me" time to rest and recharge, but I want friends, I want connections with people... I'm just miserable at forging and maintaining them is all.

I know what its like to have a SO and still struggle with loneliness. Going thru it right now, all my friends have faded away over the years since i had kids and when the SO just doesnt seem to understand and have the same sort of emotional depth its a struggle. It tough seeing other couples more in tune and feeling very little of that. Most of my life ive had a couple of real close friends but now its like every interpersonal exhange is either someone wants something or its just superficial. Ive always thought id be fine being a loner, but i find myself more and more negative.

I'm in very much the same position as you.

The only person I'm comfortable with is my SO. He is very gregarious. All day long he will on the phone with at least a dozen people. He is super comfortable in social situations. And he really doesn't understand why I'm so miserable.

Like you, whenever I point out that I have no friend he will respond, "You have me." and go on to tell me how at long as there is one person who cares about you that should be enough.

I try to explain to him that he can think that way bc he doesn't have my problem. He has tons of friends. "I really don't" he replies "And half of them I could stop talking to. Most of them are just work people." I get really upset, "So you have so many friends that you could just afford to peel away whoever you wanted? People you work with call you up just to chat? You got invited to a graduation party for one of their daughter's and you don't think that's a friend?"

I explain to him that when he dies there's going to be a huge visitation where all these people will come and laugh and hold each other, cry and tell stories of all the good memories they made with you. I won't have that. The only person who will be remotely upset is SO and I'm sure he would move on shortly after.