Dealing with loneliness (venting)

with the previous post.is strange how different we think.in an interesting way. i do not care if noone is at my funeral at all. i am dead why would i care. i care to stop the pain while i am living though.
and to stop the pain i think i have to have fulfilling relationships and that i can not have.
talking to a lot of people superficially is not fulfilling and is even annoying unless you are an extrovert.
i do not know how but i can talk to others easy superficially but i do not want to be something more because i find them boring/not in a judgemental way but in a not fulfilling way.
i understand perfectly what he means when he says "most of them are just work people" that will not be there when you cry and feel lonely .i want just one who would be there and that is impossible to find. most are there to have small talk with.
i want one person that we will would live for each other. but even if i find that,which is impossible because it is considered "crazy" to have that kind of attachment, most people are more distant and do not want that and you will scare them. but is also dangerous because if you lose that person you will want to die.
you have to have a lot of people to count on them.for emotional support.
btw i was really shy at high school and couldn't talk and i have no idea why it was easy to make friends after or talk to people.or how the ###$ i did that. but now even if i can talk easy i do not feel a connection so i think i avoid them and make it worse.

btw i used to be shy as a kid /teenager and i remember thinking i wish i was social and now i somehow ended up in the other side where is easy to be social but i want only one or two ,like i said above. because i discovered that unless you are an extrovert ,you do not actually enjoy superficial friends and are bleh.
i do not know how i ended up in the opposite mentality. i was incredibly shy then there was a period where i suddenly become social but still a little shy and i do not know how and now although is easy to talk to people superficially, i do not want to.i want only something meaningful

and to add something more about the funeral you said .all these acquaintances do not care if you die, they will be sad for literally 5 seconds and for appearance and just pity you and then forget about you. i want only people that really cared about you and you about them.that is difficult to have and not the acquaintances are like nothing.but yeah if you have a meaningful relationship already the random people could be fun and amusing to pass time

Asu wrote:On the other hand it's important to give him free time with other people too. As much as it hurts, that's also an important part of the relationship.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. It is an important part of the relationship. He should have free time with other people. But so should I.

Asu wrote:I hope this does not come off as cheap advice but if socializing does not work directly, have you tried to find a hobby?

Not cheap at all. I do try to put my energy elsewhere. I love to garden. I enjoy cooking. I love to hike. Most of the time, I can keep myself distracted. I can push bad thoughts and feelings aside if I stay busy. But there is always a lingering sadness and loneliness inside of me, no matter what I am doing. Sometimes I am confronted by situations that blatantly remind me of how socially isolated I am, and that's when my loneliness comes to the fore and smacks me across the face.

tmc115 wrote:Like you, whenever I point out that I have no friend he will respond, "You have me." and go on to tell me how at long as there is one person who cares about you that should be enough.

I try to explain to him that he can think that way bc he doesn't have my problem. He has tons of friends. "I really don't" he replies "And half of them I could stop talking to. Most of them are just work people." I get really upset, "So you have so many friends that you could just afford to peel away whoever you wanted? People you work with call you up just to chat? You got invited to a graduation party for one of their daughter's and you don't think that's a friend?"

My partner is the same way. He likes to tell me how he doesn't really have any friends and that I'm the only person he needs, but I think those are cheap words coming from him. I think those are easy things for him to say because he doesn't understand what it is like to truly be alone. He hangs out with classmates and coworkers on a regular basis. He's constantly texting people at all hours of the day and night. He strikes up conversations with strangers easily. He's made more close friends in the 3 years that I have known him than I have made in my entire life.

It hurts to feel alone in the world and to hear the one person you are close to, who you hope will understand you, basically disregard your feelings. I definitely get where you are coming from there.