Confused, whats wrong with me. *may trigger*

Hello, I am new here so pardon if I do something wrong, also English is not my first language.
I have for a long time felt like I have some personality disorder or something going on that has not been diagnosed yet. I am currently diagnosed by my psychologist with clinical depression and anxiety disorder.

The problem is (except for crippling depression and overthinking everything) is that I am completely and utterly lost in my own fantasy world. When I work, drive, eat, sleep, wherever and whatever I am doing, I am never really "here". This effects both my social life, academic ability and my work, and just cant seem to stop. I purpously force myself to sleep longer than I have to so I can dream more, to the point that I wake up with a horrible headache. I just want to dream...

Also, I just cant seem to be able to connect to people like others do. I dont have aspergers or autism, and I am actually rather good at talking to people and making friends, am apparetly very charming... Yet I never feel any emotional connection like others, and my friendships always stay at a superficial level because I just... dont even know why or what I am doing wrong. In fact, it feels like am acting most of the time, I say and to things because they are expected of me, even fake certain emotional reactions yet never feel anything myself. Its all a wonderful facade...

I live a rather solitary life, need alone time alot and very rarily make an effort to keep contact with friends and family.

On the outside, I look like someone who has it all together, a bachelor degree, a job, starting my master degree soon, but inside I am a hollow pit filled up with daydreams. I have had thoughts of ending my life frequently throughout the years. It is a shadow that will never leave though I doubt I would ever do it.

A bit of background about me is that I was severely bullied as a child and stopped talking to others than family members for about 6-7 years after that. My parents were also emotionally neglectful as a child and I was the scapegoat for everything that went wrong.
I was raped at 21 and still have emotional wounds from that which cause me to always be stressed around men, and avoid relationships, even though my dream is to find a good man and have a family

Basicly, what I am asking for is this: What is wrong with me? Am I misdiagnosed? I am at crossroads in my life now and have no idea why I am like this and what I could do to change. "just stop dreaming" doesnt work...

Hello.

You did nothing wrong, in this thread or otherwise, so no worries.

It seems like you daydream and escape in your mind a lot. I do that too so you aren't the only one. It can be hard to find something in real life if you are good at it and fantasy looks more appealing.

I got the same diagnosis and similar traits as you. I am not as dissociated as you, although it can happen if I feel really anxious.

Some people have trouble believing I got something going on because I look zen on the outside. That's just how my father was like, it just means it's even harder to open up. Even today, I feel like utter crap but I can't bring myself to talk about it to my therapist. Anxiety probably makes me fear she'll dismiss me.

Your childhood is very similar to mine as well. My parents were really neglectful and preferred to act like I didn't exist, especially when I didn't meet their outlandish expectations. That neglect was interrupted by bouts of abuse or manipulation and small periods where it looked like we were a family...like when we went out or went to eat at a restaurant on every 3rd Thursday of the month. Something tells me my father was a control freak.

We can't tell if you have X or Y even though you'd probably like knowing right away. The reason is because only a professional can tell you. It takes a lot more than simple text to pin someone with a diagnosis, I realized that after spending time with others and talking to my psychiatrist.

I wouldn't say to stop dreaming but you could try and open up to your psychologist about what you said here. You can also ask for another opinion, find another professional, perhaps a psychiatrist? It might fit with what you have or you might get another diagnosis but I can't tell you if it's either.

What I can offer is my ear (or eyes since we're on a forum) and since our paths are very similar, you can message me if you want to talk further. tl;dr would be that you should talk more to your psychologist or find another one if you want another opinion.

i feel like that too and i wonder if is avoidance or just depression. if is something more than depression ,like a disorder.
is strange but also comforting that someone else feels similar. this is why i like the forum.although i do not really get a conclusion of what is wrong with me personally.
i do not day dream anymore. i used to daydream in less extent though, but now i do not even like that and i can't even day dream.and nothing is comforting.

i also have something else. that i feel others are so boring that i prefer to be alone but it hurts to be alone.

Also, I just cant seem to be able to connect to people like others do. I dont have aspergers or autism, and I am actually rather good at talking to people and making friends, am apparetly very charming... Yet I never feel any emotional connection like others, and my friendships always stay at a superficial level because I just... dont even know why or what I am doing wrong. In fact, it feels like am acting most of the time, I say and to things because they are expected of me, even fake certain emotional reactions yet never feel anything myself. Its all a wonderful facade...

i relate . i do this to the point i think is a false self. because if you ask me to be myself,i do not know how. except like having a void and stare blankly doing nothing, or not knowing what i like or what i want or say something strange that would be insulting.
if they asked you to just be yourself,what would you do,why can't you?

(i do not look like someone who has it together though. i just look normal)

I also relate to the superficial relationships.

A lot of times people find me funny and witty. But once my material is used up I'm tapped.

Like you I feel very bored in conversations I need to be a part of. Weirdly I LOVE observing conversations. The Breakfast Club, Biloxy Blues, The Odd Couple, Stand By Me, The Seven Year Itch, and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof are some of my favorite movies, and they are mostly just dialog. But I'm so enthralled with the back-and-forth. How can they do it so easily and magically?

I want that. But when I'm forced to have real interactions I need to force myself to make eye-contact and speak with feeling. I am bored with whatever I'm saying. I hate talking about myself. But I know people think asking me about myself is a good Segway into having a relationship with me. My own boredom tells them I am not interested in the relationship, which is not true, but I understand why they slowly back away and treat me with disdain thereafter.

Mekkin02 wrote:Hello, I am new here so pardon if I do something wrong, also English is not my first language.
I have for a long time felt like I have some personality disorder or something going on that has not been diagnosed yet. I am currently diagnosed by my psychologist with clinical depression and anxiety disorder.

The problem is (except for crippling depression and overthinking everything) is that I am completely and utterly lost in my own fantasy world. When I work, drive, eat, sleep, wherever and whatever I am doing, I am never really "here". This effects both my social life, academic ability and my work, and just cant seem to stop. I purpously force myself to sleep longer than I have to so I can dream more, to the point that I wake up with a horrible headache. I just want to dream...

Also, I just cant seem to be able to connect to people like others do. I dont have aspergers or autism, and I am actually rather good at talking to people and making friends, am apparetly very charming... Yet I never feel any emotional connection like others, and my friendships always stay at a superficial level because I just... dont even know why or what I am doing wrong. In fact, it feels like am acting most of the time, I say and to things because they are expected of me, even fake certain emotional reactions yet never feel anything myself. Its all a wonderful facade...

I live a rather solitary life, need alone time alot and very rarily make an effort to keep contact with friends and family.

On the outside, I look like someone who has it all together, a bachelor degree, a job, starting my master degree soon, but inside I am a hollow pit filled up with daydreams. I have had thoughts of ending my life frequently throughout the years. It is a shadow that will never leave though I doubt I would ever do it.

A bit of background about me is that I was severely bullied as a child and stopped talking to others than family members for about 6-7 years after that. My parents were also emotionally neglectful as a child and I was the scapegoat for everything that went wrong.
I was raped at 21 and still have emotional wounds from that which cause me to always be stressed around men, and avoid relationships, even though my dream is to find a good man and have a family

Basicly, what I am asking for is this: What is wrong with me? Am I misdiagnosed? I am at crossroads in my life now and have no idea why I am like this and what I could do to change. "just stop dreaming" doesnt work...

There is of course depression, but also anxiety and probably some PTSD.

But what you are describing, being lost in a fantasy world, inability to connect emotionally, solitary life style, the feeling of "acting all the time" all seem typical of avoidant and (covert) schizoid personality disorders. Most of what you describe (except the traumatic experiences) would also apply to me. I don't know if you have a personality disorder (and of course I cannot diagnose) but I
think it is possible.

tmc115 wrote:I also relate to the superficial relationships.

A lot of times people find me funny and witty. But once my material is used up I'm tapped.

Like you I feel very bored in conversations I need to be a part of. Weirdly I LOVE observing conversations. The Breakfast Club, Biloxy Blues, The Odd Couple, Stand By Me, The Seven Year Itch, and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof are some of my favorite movies, and they are mostly just dialog. But I'm so enthralled with the back-and-forth. How can they do it so easily and magically?

I want that. But when I'm forced to have real interactions I need to force myself to make eye-contact and speak with feeling. I am bored with whatever I'm saying. I hate talking about myself. But I know people think asking me about myself is a good Segway into having a relationship with me. My own boredom tells them I am not interested in the relationship, which is not true, but I understand why they slowly back away and treat me with disdain thereafter.

a little irrelevant but you will not believe how much people like to talk about themselves and not about you and you can make them do that.i can avoid subjects by focusing on them .and ask them questions. i think you need to ask them questions or be interested in them and not talk about yourself. if you do not ask them anything they will think you do not care.
i need to force myself to speak with feeling when i do not care and that makes it so tiring.
i do not mind listening to others,also this way i avoid things i want to hide or my boring life. but sometimes i get angry like i put more effort than them when i do not care . also if someone focus on me more than normal i suspect he is borderline.
if someone does what you describe i suspect he is schizoid.or has traits anyway or avoidant,.
but i am just mentioning that more for fun not seriously.but is rare of course.is incredibly rare in comparison with most people this is why i have suspicion