Feel like I am losing it

Hey all, new to the forum. Hope to chat with you guys and shoot the $#%^ daily.

I have high-functioning autism. Acting weirdly as a kid made me conscious not to act weird (i.e. like myself) so I have learned to keep my personality hidden. It was an effective way to cope in school, since I could just pretend not to hear the bullies and they would stop.

I'm 24 years of age now, and have no friends to chill out with. Never had a girlfriend. I have begun dreaming about having a girlfriend most nights. Every night I drink a lot and browse the internet to forget how lonely I am. It is really bad. Really, really bad. I am graduating from university soon, which is nice. I am learning about web development, which is one of my passions. There are web development meetups everywhere - I would love to go to one, if I could just walk through the door!

I know what the issue is - it is the deep belief I hold inside that my personality is flawed. My father believes so, too. He reinforced that belief over the years, and now I am stuck here with him and my Mum who each don't communicate with me as an adult. I don't want to share any issues I have with my parents in too much detail since I believe they will laugh about it and mock me for it.

I have been to a number of psychologists over the years but would never tell them I hold a deep-seated suppression of my personality so the meetings eventually fizzle out. Every day my mind is filled with shame and "what could have been" statements - e.g. "what could have been if I weren't autistic and had a whole group of friends and a girlfriend and a role in the community and so much more that 'ordinary' people have...". Every night I dream about being fulfilled in social life and love life.

I am torturing myself here. It is all my fault. There is nowhere else to turn except for these forums where people may understand. I want to accept and embrace my personality. I want to stop avoiding so much all the damn time. This protection mechanism is killing me, ###$.

Hi trueblue42,

Welcome to the forum

Nice to have you with us. :"D

trueblue42 wrote:Hey all, new to the forum. Hope to chat with you guys and shoot the $#%^ daily.

I have high-functioning autism. Acting weirdly as a kid made me conscious not to act weird (i.e. like myself) so I have learned to keep my personality hidden. It was an effective way to cope in school, since I could just pretend not to hear the bullies and they would stop.

I'm 24 years of age now, and have no friends to chill out with. Never had a girlfriend. I have begun dreaming about having a girlfriend most nights. Every night I drink a lot and browse the internet to forget how lonely I am. It is really bad. Really, really bad. I am graduating from university soon, which is nice. I am learning about web development, which is one of my passions. There are web development meetups everywhere - I would love to go to one, if I could just walk through the door!

I know what the issue is - it is the deep belief I hold inside that my personality is flawed. My father believes so, too. He reinforced that belief over the years, and now I am stuck here with him and my Mum who each don't communicate with me as an adult. I don't want to share any issues I have with my parents in too much detail since I believe they will laugh about it and mock me for it.

I have been to a number of psychologists over the years but would never tell them I hold a deep-seated suppression of my personality so the meetings eventually fizzle out. Every day my mind is filled with shame and "what could have been" statements - e.g. "what could have been if I weren't autistic and had a whole group of friends and a girlfriend and a role in the community and so much more that 'ordinary' people have...". Every night I dream about being fulfilled in social life and love life.

I am torturing myself here. It is all my fault. There is nowhere else to turn except for these forums where people may understand. I want to accept and embrace my personality. I want to stop avoiding so much all the damn time. This protection mechanism is killing me, ###$.

Darn, I typed a long reply and then somehow got logged out and my response was deleted.

I feel for your situation. At you age, I felt very similarly.

The way I see it, you have been shamed all your life for who you are, by your parents, and by bullies. No wonder that you believe that your personality is flawed. But I doubt very much that this is true. Opening up to your parents would be useless, because they only would shame you more.

It seems that you are realizing now that the only way out is to embrace who you are. I know your experiences with psychologists has not been that positive. It is important to find a therapist with whom you are comfortable to open up. It is not going to be easy, but with a bad therapist it would be impossible. It is difficult to open up when one is feeling so much shame. Of course I could tell you that there is no need to feel shame. But deep down you would still feel it because others have made you feel this way all your life. It is not your fault.

BTW, who diagnosed you with autism? In any case, don't let such label bring you down.

As I mentioned I felt similarly at this stage of my life. With some courage, time and luck, I did socialize more, get friends and eventually a wife and kids.

I do feel sad about the tragedy of your situation. It is not hopeless. But it may take some time to make progress. Do believe in your dream of a fulfilling life. You can get there, one step at a time.

I, too, feel like there is something wrong with me, with my personality. I can relate to dreaming about how it could be to be socially accepted and able to talk to people.

You're not alone.