Anger Management

I have been struggling with anger a LOT lately...from simple annoyances to all out pissed off. And it doesn't matter if it happened 10 years ago or yesterday, I still get as worked up about it now. I find it cycling around in my head, building and building until everyone and everything rubs me the wrong way.

I'm wondering if being avoidant causes more instances for me, as I would rather not confront someone if they say something offensive or upsetting. I hold on to it and never resolve the conflict. Anyone else experience this? Any thoughts/ideas on how to let things go? Do you think that by starting to deal with new issues as they arise, that the old ones will become less consuming? Thanks in advance!

I experience the same thing. In the end I try to forget about things and try to look ahead. I wish I could let those things go, 'cause its energy consuming.

Do you think that by starting to deal with new issues as they arise, that the old ones will become less consuming?

Yes. I think so. I'm also dealing with this stuff. For me, often the anger just as a pure emotion comes before any reason for it - I'll even start looking for things that annoy me to justify it. I think my own avoidance in a big way, has been avoidance of my anger. I think its very old, the original reasons for it have long gone but whatever it was it just hasn't been resolved.

I doubt it will go away by trying to look past it. I really believe the only way of dealing with anger is respecting it for what it is and trying to understand what its trying to tell you.

I must say too, that I have been through some times when the anger has reached a really intense level and then suddenly just disappeared. At those moments I am left with a completely different outlook on life. Everything is put in perspective. I find I have confidence and I just dont care about other people's impressions of me anymore. Those moments have been some of the only times in my life I have felt 'normal'. Unfortunately they have only lasted a few hours or so at most. I am sure now that being able to feel the full intensity of my anger, and not being afraid of it anymore, can only be a healthy thing.

I understand how you are feeling PinkAngel467. I to find it unsettling that for no apparent reason a memory can flash through my head and in a matter of moments my anger will flare. I know that most of the memories that come into my head are of situations in which I am helpless or at someone elses mercy.

Since I was in grade school I have been the victim of bullies, whether it be the kids at school, my step father, or my boss. Through all of the years no one ever stepped forward to help me. If I fought back against those that were hurting me I was the one to get into trouble. No one ever stood up for me. When my stepfather was beating my mom and myself to a bloody pulp I called the police but no one ever came. I cried to God but no one ever came to help.

I do not know about you, but my anger can last for hours and on a few occassions a couple of days. I think the part that can be the most unsettling is that after the anger comes the depression. Then that usually leads to feelings of suicide.

To answer your question I have no idea on how to deal with this because I am still trying to figure it out for myself. The only thing that I have found that sorta calms me down is that I keep a journal. Since I have no one to talk to I imagine I am talking to someone about my troubles and putting it into my journal. Although I am not sure if this is such a good idea. I am waiting for the journal to take on a life of its own for as much anger as I have poured into it over the years. (Harry Potter - Chamber Of Secrets - Tom Riddle's Diary)

My approach is that if someone or something makes me angry or is a threat to me then I just avoid any contact him/her/it. Isn't that what being avoidant is all about?

Confronting people for any real or percieved verbal attack is not going to solve anything. What they say is often their sincerely held beliefs and rebuking them, telling them that their sincerely held beliefs are wrong will often only serve to exacerbate the situation.

The Roman emperor Vespasian once said "I will not kill a dog that barks at me". Unless your critics are justified in their criticism, it's better just to ignore them.

Confronting people for any real or percieved verbal attack is not going to solve anything. What they say is often their sincerely held beliefs and rebuking them, telling them that their sincerely held beliefs are wrong will often only serve to exacerbate the situation.

Im not sure about that. Are you saying that your own beliefs aren't as important, or sincere - or worth standing up for? Surely your anger is a sign that you believe your point of view is sincere and worth something.

I think its probably more about your own self respect than changing anyone's mind. Just getting your point expressed, even if its not agreed with, is often enough to stop the anger festering away. It might not solve the difference of opinion, but it can often make you feel better just for having expressed your bit.

I doubt it will go away by trying to look past it. I really believe the only way of dealing with anger is respecting it for what it is and trying to understand what its trying to tell you.

Thanks to everyone for your responses. Jonathon, I think you pretty much gave me the answer I was seeking, and the sad thing is that I learned this knowledge at one point but had forgotten all about it. DBT says that emotions have 1 of 3 purposes:
1. To communicate to and influence others
2. To organize and motivate action
3. To validate one's self

I think the purpose of my anger lately is to motivate me to make some changes in my life. I'm not happy with myself, and it's easier to be mad at everyone else than to deal with my issues and work on being able to like myself. Now the trick is just to get off my butt and do the work.

PinkAngel467 wrote:I think the purpose of my anger lately is to motivate me to make some changes in my life. I'm not happy with myself, and it's easier to be mad at everyone else than to deal with my issues and work on being able to like myself. Now the trick is just to get off my butt and do the work.

Sounds like a good plan. I wish more people would come around to that realization. Then maybe I wouldn't work with people who yell and scream over every little mistake or oversight anyone makes. Or people who let their anger interfere with other people doing their jobs.