Dating Someone With Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Up until 12 hours ago, I had never heard of Avoidant Personally Disorder, and did not know it was something which could have such a large impact on someone's life. I'm writing this as someone who does not suffer from APD, but dated and loved (still love) someone with it.

Here comes the sappy but tragic love story. I learnt the hard way, I hope others don't.

I don't think I have ever found or felt a love so natural. I fell in love with the way you would just listen to me, the way you would ask me lots of questions and want to know me. You never tried to talk about yourself like all the other guys do, it was always about me and my day and how I felt. Never you. I didn't notice this or understand this properly until now.

Not long ago I started having these really negative and bad feelings. Not the ones that bring me down, but the ones that bring HIM down. The ones where I realise bad things about you and stop loving you as a boyfriend and just as a person. I had this feeling as though you were 'using me', that you were just 'avoided answering my questions' that you were actually 'not a nice person and just as a**hole', that you had 'no interest in letting me into your life', that you were 'not in love with me, but just wanted the company'. I was convinced I did not understand you and felt I never would. Now I have discovered that you were never acting like this on purpose, you were just being yourself. Yes, you changed from when I first met you, but that was from being someone fake, to being your actual self. You tried really hard at the start when you met me to capture my heart, which you did successfully, and once I fell in love with you, you stopped being someone you were not, but started to relax and be your actual self. I said I would never give up on you or us, that I would always be here. You trusted this, you trusted me, you decided to be yourself because you trusted me, but I ended up running away and hurting you.

I'm sorry I gave up on you and us. I know I promised to never give up and stay until I understood you fully, but I didn't. I bailed on us because I was too closed minded and selfish. I now know for a fact that you were not an 'a**hole' or not a 'bad and mean person', you were never 'using me' or 'wanting me just for company', you did infact love me, so much, that you let your hard worked on barriers down to let me in, but I ripped them apart and closed my mind and heart and just left you.

Avoidant Personality Disorder is not a bad thing. Yes it is a little scary, for everyone, but it just means that things should be and need to be done differently. From approaching communication and talking to each other, to trusting one another and not jumping to conclusions, APD is a serious thing which is a must know within a relationship with someone who has APD. Reading not just this post, but other posts in this forum may just save your relationship.

If you're someone who has APD, I hope this post finds you. I hope you can share it with your loved one to help them to understand what APD is. To make them realise that things are normal and that there are so many forum posts in here which can go into further detail about APD.

If you're someone who is dating someone with APD, I also hope this post finds you also and that you can learn from my mistakes and understand your loved one better. I encourage you to go ahead and read more forum posts. It will save you and your relationship. It's not always them who are the weird ones, but it could possibly be you who just doesn't understand them for who they are.

If you're the man who I loved (still love) and showed me this forum before I decided to walk away from you and us without giving things a proper shot, I hope you can share this with the next person you fall in love with to help them understand you. You deserve the best, and only the best will be willing to open their mind up and understand what it means to have APD before it's too late.

If anyone reads this, please feel free to reply with your experiences with relationships involving APD.

BlackFingerNails wrote:If you're the man who I loved (still love) and showed me this forum before I decided to walk away

Hi,

Excuse me, i find this message invasive.

This is not supposed to be a place for private messaging.

Well, I think that people with personality disorders can truely only love another person with a personality disorder. I came to that conclusion already a long time ago, and I think that people who tell themselves something different are just fooling themselves. As an avie, I know that I can only really love that one weird guy who I met some years ago. We are one and the same. I do not have any other half. I might love in some ways other guys, but there is just one who really gets me to the core, and the core is my personality disorder, something that forms a solid part of me, something that is forever. Sorry, but this is the truth. People are just lying to themselves, if they think that AvPD can be changed, cured, or that non-avie can love an avie for who they are, as the non-avie doesn't understand something that forms the base of an avie. So how can a non-avie love the essence of you? How can someone love something they have no clue about, and don't know how it feels?

Yeah - this thread is weirding me out.

And APD is antisocial personality disorder. Avoidant personality disorder is AvPD.

firstly as Parador said "APD is antisocial personality disorder. Avoidant personality disorder is AvPD."


Im sorry but i think your post is weird. I feel like it might come from good and honest point of view but something feels off to me. Or it might just be my AvPD talking.

Besides this i think you should talk with the person you ended things with. If you still love him or have feelings for him, i dont understand why you ran in the first place. Or you are an AvPD too? Sice i tend to close myself off from people trying to become more intimate/closer with me.


@parador
Definately weird thread, yes!


@HopelessRomantic:
I do feel you on this. although i dont believe this myself. It's also about the willingness to understand eachother, communication can be hard but when both are willing to work on communicating better understanding can be formed. Besides this you dont always have to understand eachother to the bone to be happy and in love with eachother. Sometimes the things you cant understand are the things that attract most.

Thanks for the comment JCB. I was wondering what is the estimate percentage of people with AvPD who managed to establish a lasting relationship with a "normal" person, non-PD person. There is much resistance in people to understand people with personality disorders. Each time I hear them referring to a PD, it is always to shame people with PD or ridicule them. The people who do it are also those who are considered the most open minded people. I cannot fathom how someone consciously knowing that the other person has a PD would try to bother to get into a relationship with that person given the social stigma. I cannot see that in practice.

I have said this before, and I will repeat it again. This needs a sticky thread!!

One of the reasons that I do not frequent this site as often as I used to do is because of posts exactly like this.

Firstly, may I say that I wholeheartedly believe the forum should be open to all. One of the other reasons I stopped coming here was due to the heated discussing over diagnosis - it was like some members felt that I should not be allowed to comment or use the site. The forum should be there for advice, to offer support, to obtain support and to obtain understanding.

My main objection to posts like this is that they repeatedly appear - hence my suggestion for a sticky thread.

Years ago, this site used to receive many posts asking questions about Social Anxiety Disorder and AvPD. There is now a sticky thread - which answers most of the questions about that. We no longer receive repeated posts asking the same questions over and over again.

I just think if there was a sticky post, when so called 'normal' people come across the site, it may answer their questions for them. Also, maybe we could include some supportive comments for AvPD sufferers who have difficulties in forming relationship and for those in relationships.

So here goes... and I am anticipating a bit of back lash for this, but this is my opinion.

* Relationships are hard. They require work and effort. They are subject to a gazillion factors from both parties. They can sometimes seem hard work and unrewarding. But at times they can be uplifting and amazing...even healing and life affirming.
* At times all people can be dysfunctional
* Just because your partner is dysfunctional does not mean that they have AvPD or any PD.
* People with AvPD do not choose to be this way. This how they have been shaped, this is how they cope. Their behaviors are natural and automatic. They are not being awkward or difficult. They are not indulging in game playing either.
* It is possible for some people with AvPD to have relationships, some even in long term relationships.
* AvPD is long term, possibly permanent, condition. It is likely to always be a factor in a relationship.
* Understanding your partners AvPD can help reduce the problems it causes in a relationship.
* You are unlikely to ever substantially change your partners behavior - therefore you will need to be tolerant and understanding.
* There will be times that the AvPD symptoms will be too much for the AvPD sufferer to overcome. You need to be aware of this and make allowances a those times.
* All relationships, including those with 'normal' people are tough and have difficulties. There has to be tolerance and give and take on all sides.
* AvPD suffers cannot, and do not, expect it all their way. With time and understanding they can attempt to reduce their triggers and symptoms to meet their partner half way. But this has to be done carefully so not to cause more harm and set off more triggers
* There are different degrees of AvPD. Some people find any relationship intolerable. Some have many relationships.
* AvPD can be in flux. Just because someone has had a meaningful or lasting relationship in the past does not mean they will be able to do so in the future. The opposite is also true.
* By and large AvPD sufferers want to be engage with people. We just fear having another negative reaction. I want to be the life and soul of the party, have many friends, be liked and be popular. But I simply find I close down. This can lead to misleading signals being given and people never really seeing the real me.
* AvPD sufferers have most likely had very negative relationships in their life, possibly from as early as childhood. It is possible that they are the way they are due to those relationships. They fear further hurt and rejection. They are always on the look out for repeated negative reactions. They expect this to happen to them. This is why they may pull away at times.
* AvPD sufferers may care very deeply and understand why you are upset, but when triggered it is difficult for them to think logically, or think how you think.
* AvPD sufferers may pull away, seemingly for no reason. There is a certain amount of push and pull involved. They may really want you, but are scared of being hurt or triggered. They are feeling conflicted.
* AvPD sufferers have many positive traits and qualities.
* As in any relationship, you cannot 'cherry pick' the positive parts of a person. You take the good and the bad.
* If the bad traits outweigh the good, then you must decide if the relationship is worth continuing. This applies to all relationships. However, there are numerous factors at play, and it is not always practical or possible to end a relationship.
* Some times, as in any relationship, one or both parties find the situation intolerable and it fails. This is always hard for all involved. It is usual for there to be recriminations and micro analyzing what went wrong.
* Where the split was a result of one party it is usual for the other party to feel injured but also crave to fix the relationship. Sometimes this is not always possible.
* It is never possible to fix a relationship by fixing the person with AvPD. Most AvPD sufferers would dearly love to fix themselves and probably has had many attempts at treatment and self help.

I do apologize in advance for any offence this has caused.

I do urge the mods to consider a sticky thread - and you are welcome to use any of the above, or amend it as you see fit.

SB

Many people just do not know what love is. They expect people to be in a certain way that would satisfy their needs. If a person is not in a way they want, then they think that the problem is with that person. I think that there are people who have problems believing that they might be wrong or that they have unrealistic expectations. When someone dates a person with AvPD, it is easier to believe that the problem is with that person and not with them. It entitles them to victimise the person with AvPD. I do not say that all 'normal' people are this way, but many 'normal' people can be horrible. I do not want to use the word 'normal' to describe non-PD people, as I find most of the 'normal' people abnormal in their behaviours. And besides, who is to tell us who is normal and who is not? As long as I do not harm anyone, then let me live my life they way I want.

* Relationships are hard. They require work and effort. They are subject to a gazillion factors from both parties. They can sometimes seem hard work and unrewarding. But at times they can be uplifting and amazing...even healing and life affirming.
* At times all people can be dysfunctional
* Just because your partner is dysfunctional does not mean that they have AvPD or any PD.
* People with AvPD do not choose to be this way. This how they have been shaped, this is how they cope. Their behaviors are natural and automatic. They are not being awkward or difficult. They are not indulging in game playing either.
* It is possible for some people with AvPD to have relationships, some even in long term relationships.
* AvPD is long term, possibly permanent, condition. It is likely to always be a factor in a relationship.
* Understanding your partners AvPD can help reduce the problems it causes in a relationship.
* You are unlikely to ever substantially change your partners behavior - therefore you will need to be tolerant and understanding.
* There will be times that the AvPD symptoms will be too much for the AvPD sufferer to overcome. You need to be aware of this and make allowances a those times.
* All relationships, including those with 'normal' people are tough and have difficulties. There has to be tolerance and give and take on all sides.
* AvPD suffers cannot, and do not, expect it all their way. With time and understanding they can attempt to reduce their triggers and symptoms to meet their partner half way. But this has to be done carefully so not to cause more harm and set off more triggers
* There are different degrees of AvPD. Some people find any relationship intolerable. Some have many relationships.
* AvPD can be in flux. Just because someone has had a meaningful or lasting relationship in the past does not mean they will be able to do so in the future. The opposite is also true.
* By and large AvPD sufferers want to be engage with people. We just fear having another negative reaction. I want to be the life and soul of the party, have many friends, be liked and be popular. But I simply find I close down. This can lead to misleading signals being given and people never really seeing the real me.
* AvPD sufferers have most likely had very negative relationships in their life, possibly from as early as childhood. It is possible that they are the way they are due to those relationships. They fear further hurt and rejection. They are always on the look out for repeated negative reactions. They expect this to happen to them. This is why they may pull away at times.
* AvPD sufferers may care very deeply and understand why you are upset, but when triggered it is difficult for them to think logically, or think how you think.
* AvPD sufferers may pull away, seemingly for no reason. There is a certain amount of push and pull involved. They may really want you, but are scared of being hurt or triggered. They are feeling conflicted.
* AvPD sufferers have many positive traits and qualities.
* As in any relationship, you cannot 'cherry pick' the positive parts of a person. You take the good and the bad.
* If the bad traits outweigh the good, then you must decide if the relationship is worth continuing. This applies to all relationships. However, there are numerous factors at play, and it is not always practical or possible to end a relationship.
* Some times, as in any relationship, one or both parties find the situation intolerable and it fails. This is always hard for all involved. It is usual for there to be recriminations and micro analyzing what went wrong.
* Where the split was a result of one party it is usual for the other party to feel injured but also crave to fix the relationship. Sometimes this is not always possible.
* It is never possible to fix a relationship by fixing the person with AvPD. Most AvPD sufferers would dearly love to fix themselves and probably has had many attempts at treatment and self help.

^^
Sticky this.



Please!!

I 2nd the motion for a sticky!