I was recently diagnosed with AVPD

hi RodneyW,
I'm a older than you (like 20 years!) and I think it's great that you've got some help so young so that you can start working on your goals & get what you want out of your social life & relationships in the future. Some people find a diagnosis helpful so they can pinpoint their goals & achieve them, some people find a diagnosis unhelpful due to stigma. I found it helpful to admit that I was avoidant, accept that I was avoidant and so cancel out other explanations for my suffering & loneliness, that way I could target ways to participate socially more & better understand myself.

Regarding relationships, of course you can have them. I've had long term bf's. Once the relationship was underway (say, the 2nd or 3rd date) my avoidance didn't have anything to do with the relationship, not the problem. It was only that first stage of getting to the first date or getting that first date to happen (for example you, have to actually socialise in the first place to meet someone new who you want to go an a date with! then you have to figure out how to talk to them without turning beetroot or tripping over a chair, how to ask someone on a date or get asked on a date).

I agree that exposure therapy is very helpful. I've done tonnes. I started by walking down the street trying to make eye contact with as many people as I could and gradually built up from there. At your age I also started getting out of my comfort zone, by my mid 20's I leapt head-on into my fears e.g. travelling overseas by myself; teaching at work - having to get up in front of a class of students & talk! both were so hard but made a big difference, when I was younger than you I struggled even with into a shop & buying bubble-gum, so I've come a long way.

Anxiety is a huge underlying cause of my avoidance. So any methods that can help you lower or manage your anxiety is critical, I think. Lots of people find breathing or relaxation techniques helpful. I had to try different things before I found what helped. I think it's very important if you're working w a counsellor/psychologist to trust them & feel you're making progress with them after a certain time.

I joined two avoidance support groups (in real life). The people in their 20''s were optimistic, goal-oriented, positive. I enjoyed their company. In contrast, the people in their 40's and 50's were depressed (another whole mental illness on top of the avoidance/anxiety), deeply negative with no goals or much hope for the future. I found it hard to be in their company. From that experience, I thought it's waaaaay better to start working on avoidance young, if you let it get the better of you if seems to drag you into depression. Just my 2c.

hope this helps some, let us know how you're going

Hey -- who is this mark1958 who edited out my advise?? There was nothing illegal or immoral about my idea. That kind of thing can help a lot with desensitizing a man in relating to women.

Thank you for your concern and for sharing how you deal with being avoidant and sorry for not updating in a while.
I agree that having a definite diagnosis helps by pinpointing what it is that needs working on. Although a diagnosis of AVPD coupled with severe depression and some anxiety seemed like a lot to handle at first.
The main thing I struggle with on a daily basis is the loneliness brought on by AVPD. I can't help but feel like girls my age have much more experience with sex and romantic relationships than boys my age do. Regardless, I'm still slowly working on exposure therapy. I don't really get out much and my therapist says I should do something about that so I'm gonna try to go to this diner nearby. It's usually full of older couples and families eating together. I'm gonna feel like such a kid being there on my own.
I used to be in group therapy and I liked going there and being surrounded by others and hearing about their lives. I stopped going though 'cause it was too far and I never really had anything to contribute. These kids had actual problems like they were victims of abuse or their family hated them and things like that. It didn't feel right to say my biggest problem is "I'm lonely" after a suicidal kid just finished talking about why he cuts himself. So I stopped going after about a month and a half. That was a long time ago. I studied in South America, graduated high school there, then came back to New York where I dropped out of college after a recommendation from my therapist. I've always hated school and while I'm simply unemployed now and looking for work, I'm glad I'm not in school. So my current goal is to get out more, go to that diner, maybe make a friend somehow.
Again, thanks for your concern.

Edit: Btw, I got a cat.

Reading all this got me thinking about my avoidance.

At first I felt like a whiner, because I didn't see myself as avoiding the outside world as much. But I started looking back and realized I do avoid the world as much as possible.

I go to the grocery store, but I won't linger and I'll wear sunglasses to hide my eyes.

I go to the movies, but I make sure my contact with the staff is minimal.

If I'm pulling into my garage and my neighbor is outside I won't get my mail (like I usually do) I'll wait until the next day and hope he isn't outside.

I'll go out to the bars, but only if my bf comes with so I have someone I can trust to keep me safe.

Sometimes I allow myself to be overly involved in something around the house so I can avoid my bf if I feel my AvBPD is causing me issues.

Things that help:
1) having a routine.
I go out to the movies by myself every week. At first I was very nervous and backed out a few times. But now that I'm a little more familiar with the faces of the people who work there I look forward to it more than I did.
2) exercise
The more tired I am the less energy I have for emotional nonsense.
3) meditation
I avoided it for a long time, but it does help a lot. Try 10 mins a day.

What's it like being in a relationship, having a boyfriend?

RodneyW wrote:What's it like being in a relationship, having a boyfriend?

It's nice sometimes. Nerve-racking others.

Sometimes he breaks my heart when he gets upset at me because I can't help it and he knows that but hurts me anyway.

Overall it's pretty good since he's outta the house during the week I can relax and not worry if I'm offending him with my avoidance. I worry about what'll happen to us when he retires.

He cooks and cleans which I don't like to do all the time. But I'm a fairly neat person anyway so I never make a huge mess.

We've done lots of things together. I could never go out and enjoy myself if he wasn't with me to make me feel safe.

I agree with Parador, 19 is too young for anyone to diagnose you with a disorder.

Also, I suggest you look into what might be causing the feelings and behaviors that you see as problematic, beyond the explanations you've been given so far. I suffered from multiple so-called disorders until my 50s, and I'm free from them now, all thanks to finding rational explanations and effective cures, in the work of people such as Pia Mellody, Peter Levine, Marshall Rosenberg.

There's videos about them on youtube. And about exposure, I recommend the video titled Anxiety 2 How to get relief, and for depression too - Not meds, nor exposure!

All the best to you!

I'm with Parador on this too. But like the others, I think it's good you're getting started early, before your problems can really cement in you.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 37. The younger you are when you face your problems, the better.