Bad memory, mind going 'blank', inarticulate

Good afternoon all,

I'm new here but I've read the first 6 pages of topics and my question relates to something that has been touched upon, but not explored in detail (as far as I can see, please correct me if I'm wrong).

I am aware of the dangers of self diagnosis, and I'm going to be actively seeking out professional diagnosis and help, but I've recently been reading into personality disorders, and the symptoms and experiences you guys explain here hit extremely close to home. I feel a little disgusted with myself to finding such comfort in a label, but I currently have a feeling of optimism, which will soon subside.

I want to talk about cognitive issues with AvPD and how it affects you, and whether I'm alone.

The bottom line is that I have a bad short term memory, which I feel has gradually diminished since my mid teens (I'm 23 now). This is causing me a great deal of anxiety, particularily for my professional future and I feel it justifies my self-defeating nature (I'll never learn subject x, so why bother?). I am bad at remembering peoples names, peoples faces, verbal instructions, minor details (settings in software, as I work in IT) and more frustratingly in my social pursuits, vocabulary. I just randomly forget the right word to use in situations, which flusters me in face to face conversation, and therefore embarasses me.

I would usually just accept that I'm stupid, but I remember being a bright, if unmotivated youth. I was an excellent speller, did very well in English, could structure written sentences articulately and somewhat creatively, was regarded as intelligent and a good person to come to for definitions/analysis on texts etc.

Now I find I'm a bumbling fool who cannot articulate what I'm trying to say. I'm also a terrible writer and more often than not in forums, I will read and not say anything. Even contemplating posting something in detail can be overbearing. If my PC rebooted now before I get the chance to post, I wouldnt type it out again.

All of the above makes me extremely unmotivated because I don't like to remind myself what I lack, and how much of an underachiever I have become.

Am I alone?

EDIT: I will add that this looks like I'm using my possible and probable AvPD as an excuse for my own stupidity, I am not desperately clinging to you to validate me, I'd just like to hear your experiences. I saw bad memory mentioned at the terry jones avpd site, but it doesnt go into much detail.

I'm thinking fatigue leading to depression. The first years out of the nest can be very trying for a young adult. Look to your personal care habits; are you sleeping, eating, exercising, ect. right?
This learning and memory problem happened to me when I was in my late teens and early 20's, but got better when I took serious charge of my physical maintenance issues.

Look to your personal care habits; are you sleeping, eating, exercising, ect. right?

I have experimented in several different ways over the past few years to address these issues (and they are undoubtedly 'issues' of mine).

Sleeping hasn't been too much of a problem, but I have terrible trouble getting out of bed if anything is expected of me that day (employment for instance). I have experimented in this area by taking suppliments to try and achieve a fuller and more refreshing sleep. These include taking Melatonin and GABA, and I'm currently taking GABA. I am a massive procrastinator, so I can often spend too long on the internet looking at information I'll forget or talking to meaningless internet acquantances. I find taking GABA an hour or so before I feel I should sleep prys me away from the computer and into bed. Therefore I am not too concerned about my sleeping patterns, everybody has trouble getting out of bed in the mornings right?

Eating: Now this is a massive issue for me. I have always been overweight, I have always been trying to reverse this with mixed results. I am currently trying to eat a correct diet (plenty of veg, eating small and often, getting the correct nutrients and vitamins etc) but I am extremely prone to blowing it, or being too lazy to cook a proper dinner for myself. This area absolutely needs to be improved (although I have gone from being 320+lbs to 220lbs in about 16 months). I have also gone through phases of bulimia, but I don't feel that it ever developed into something of concern. My weight has been an issue for me as long as I can remember, and one of the contributions to my lack of self-esteem (of course)

Exercising: See eating. Exercise coincides with my efforts to shed the weight. If i'm in a self destructive phase (inbetween 'diets') I will get little to no exercise at all. It takes a great deal of motivation to get up the gym, but I always feel temporarily good afterwards, although I'm lead to believe that is chemical (rush of endorphins?).

I have a wide range of problems/contributing factors, believe me! Diet is an area I have looked in depth, and is a whole other can of worms. I'm doing OK in this area though.

I have also experimented in the past with Piracetam, Aniracetam and other Nootropics to help my cognitive issues, but these left me believing they were placebo. I currently take fish oil pills too.

I accept that a pill isnt going to fix me (I've been on SSRI's too, that I believe are too easily prescribed in the UK, and these made me feel absolutely terrible)

Also, as a footnote, I still live at home with my parents. Not out of the nest yet I'm afraid!

You've raised a lot of important issues (more than I con address on break), so let me just say.

Exercise can be SO important: affecting all kinds of mental and physical health, including mood. And including memory according to some studies.

There are thousands of ways to approach it, depending on your situation, environment, etc., but please be good to yourself (when on or off your diet) and give the gift to yourself regularly.

Keep up the good progress.

Welcome, Necrophagist. I hope you find the support and help you are looking for.

There are many things in your post that I relate to in some way or another. The biggest thing I can relate to is that it seems you are being unfairly hard on yourself (I bet you can be hard on yourself for being hard on yourself ... I know, I can too).

I too have trouble in social contexts remembering vocabulary. I often go blank when trying to remember words. I'm not completely sure what causes this, but my guess is that I am very nervous and self-conscious when with others. I've decided to accept this as a current idiosyncracy of mine, and not beat myself up over it. Who says I have to be perfect? Who says that I am any less of a person because I get nervous and forget things? I really believe that as I continue in recovery and improve my sense of place in this world, I will get better at recalling vocab.

You say you are a terrible writer yet your post absolutely proves the opposite. There are many well-established writers who are bad at spelling and grammar and yet who have excellent editors that make their work polished.

I relate to the weight problem. I eat things that aren't good for me in large amounts, and gain and lose about 20lbs every year because of it. A low sense of self-worth and poor coping abilities to normal stressors of everyday life are what cause my weight gains. I believe that as I work on recovery this aspect will also improve.

Anyway, I'll stop there for now. Just some thoughts for the moment...

Dear Necrophagist,

I have gone from being 320+lbs to 220lbs in about 16 months

What a major accomplishment!
It might be worthwhile to get checked by a doctor concerning iron deficiency anemia, a very common side effect of dieting and weight loss. Anemia is easy to fix. My personal approach to this is to eat a lot of chicken liver, but I can hear people going Yuck from every corner of the Internet! Vitamin B12 is another nutrient that one can become deficient in if one doesn't eat enough animal protein. I mention these two nutrients particularly, as they really have an effect on one's energy level both mentally and physically.

I want to talk about cognitive issues with AvPD and how it affects you, and whether I'm alone.

Welcome.

Your difficulties with short term memory, people's names, procrastination, minor instructions etc. are the same as me.

Without dismissing any of the advice above I just wanted to say I think there is a lot of comfort in behaviours that keep us from 'getting out there', but if they are examined closely, you might find they are protecting you from some deeper anxiety.

You clearly dont think of yourself as truly inarticulate so not being able to find the right words to say in conversations must be incredibly frustrating (well I know it is because I have the same problem) You also suggest by your post that underneath perhaps you dont really think you are unmotivated - or at the very least you simply dont want to be. Its obviously causing you distress.

I often think about the reflex when reaching out to a flame, we jerk our hand back before we even feel the pain. In most situations we simply wont be able to bring ourselves to put a hand in the fire even though we have no idea what it feels like - the imagined pain is enough to keep us 'safe'. In your case, it might be the same; your body is doing the work for you. Your memory fails you in certain situations perhaps for the same reason - maybe its trying to protect you from some imaginary pain that you aren't completely aware of? Procrastination might also be the same thing. Its much easier to focus on how 'good' it feels to stay in bed in the morning rather than completely expose the anxiety behind not wanting to get up.

As far as I know there are essentially two theraputic approaches to dealing with things like this. One is to reveal and focus on the irrationality behind the thought process, and the other is to reveal and focus on the root of the anxiety that is being protected against so irrationally. I suspect each approach will work differently for different people.

If these issues really start to get in the way of getting on with your life I would absolutely suggest therapy. I dont think labelling yourself as AvPD or anything else will help you - you can still post here and noone will judge you if you dont have a professional diagnosis. We are all just people. In many ways, the AvPD label will only give things like procrastination a boost of justification. You are definately not alone but you shouldn't need a label to know that. Have you ever thought about the idea that feeling alone might have been something you grew up with?


All the best.

Necrophagist wrote:The bottom line is that I have a bad short term memory, which I feel has gradually diminished since my mid teens (I'm 23 now). This is causing me a great deal of anxiety, particularily for my professional future and I feel it justifies my self-defeating nature (I'll never learn subject x, so why bother?). I am bad at remembering peoples names, peoples faces, verbal instructions, minor details (settings in software, as I work in IT) and more frustratingly in my social pursuits, vocabulary. I just randomly forget the right word to use in situations, which flusters me in face to face conversation, and therefore embarasses me.

Many similiarities to me, especially the vocabulary problem. I often avoid social interaction just because I know I will barely putter through my spoken sentences. I often get half way through a sentence, forget the correct word I am looking for, stop to think about it and then just say something along the lines of 'nevermind I forgot what I was saying' and feel stupid.

Necrophagist wrote:Now I find I'm a bumbling fool who cannot articulate what I'm trying to say. I'm also a terrible writer and more often than not in forums, I will read and not say anything. Even contemplating posting something in detail can be overbearing. If my PC rebooted now before I get the chance to post, I wouldnt type it out again.

All of the above makes me extremely unmotivated because I don't like to remind myself what I lack, and how much of an underachiever I have become.

I know exactly how that feels. I used to be even worse when I first started posting here. I kind of had to force myself to reply to what threads I had thoughts on instead of just reading them and thinking about it. This has led me to be more comfortable with posting and a little less of a procrastinator in general, but now I think I post too much sometimes.

I think forcing yourself to do stuff is good practice at overcoming amotivation and the apprehensiveness.

I have similar things happen to me when I am engaging in social interaction. People's names are a nightmare for me, especially if I've never heard them before. My mind goes completely blank in the middle of something I'm saying. But to be honest, as negative as I like to be, I doubt this is caused by stupidity and lack of knowledge. I think it's the fact that I'm trying to observe other people's reaction and since I worry constantly about what they're thinking I'm trying to read they're minds and I end up with this overwhelming anxiety and 'work' that my energy goes into that, rather thank thinking about how I'm saying things.

For example with the name issue, I'm introduced to someone or something (and let's remind ourselves, this is a rarity in itself for me...) the first thing that pops in my head is "Oh no, act normal, smile. I wonder what they'll think of me. Was that a flinch? He probably hates me just by looking at me. I bet he can see I'm nervous. Probably thinking "hello loser!"".

How in the frilly hell am I suppose to catch they're name with all that mess in my head?

Jonathon wrote:

I want to talk about cognitive issues with AvPD and how it affects you, and whether I'm alone.

I dont think labelling yourself as AvPD or anything else will help you - you can still post here and noone will judge you if you dont have a professional diagnosis. We are all just people. In many ways, the AvPD label will only give things like procrastination a boost of justification. You are definately not alone but you shouldn't need a label to know that.

Firstly, thanks for all your replies, and apologies for neglecting my own post for a couple of days. It's all food for thought and I'm definitely just learning at the moment and will be making appointments in the next week to see a professional and find out what my options are.

What are peoples opinions/experiences with CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)?

Also, I quote Jonathon because I couldnt agree with this more, as I mentioned in the opening post, I was a little disturbed that I found such comfort in a label. I'm definitely thinking more practically now

Sorry for this brief reply, I'm at work at the moment (oh the joy!), so I've not ignored your good advice or skimmed your questions. It's all got me thinking in overdrive

Thanks again