Should I stay or should I go now? Heeeeeeelp meeeeeeee!

Alright, so I'm in a weird place. I ramble so I'll try my best to keep it short. A year ago I met a guy through a dating website and it was an instant connection; to this very day, he's one of my best friends. We have so much in common down to both of us being fat ugly trailer trash kids. The only difference is: his father was abusive (put him in the hospital after beating him) and his mother was emotionally withdrawn and treated him more like he was an annoyance than her child. I was raised by emotionally distant parents but they never abused me physically. I was ostracized by my peers and was a very strong willed child who went to a very southern Catholic school, so my teachers never hesitated to humiliate me when given the chance.

So, we both obviously have severe trust issues. I would say I'm avoidant, but I've been in therapy for about a year now and it's been life changing for me. So my friend, let's call him, Scott, he's very avoidant; ticks off all the boxes in the symptoms summary. Here's where it gets messy: We've been doing an on and off FWB thing for the past year. It's on and off because we've perfected the ‘push and pull’ tango. He'll break it off, I'll break it off, we both agree to break it off; then we ignore it for a few weeks until bam, back in each other's arms.

I finally admitted last week that I had fallen in love with him and I've been waiting for the push away, which surprisingly he hasn't done. YET. He did tell me he didn't feel the same way and he's sorry that he can't change the way he feels or lack of what he feels. First off, he's full of poop. His body language and his words don't match up. The way he treats me doesn't exactly scream “I have no feelings for you.” I am free to go into his house whenever I want, so I usually go in a few times a week to clean it. I did his taxes, I know all his sensitive information (you know, social security number, banking information, etc) so clearly he trusts me. We co-parent dogs for goodness sakes!

But when I asked him for a relationship, he said no. I asked him what was wrong with me. He said “Nothing. There is nothing wrong with you. Your moods just affect me and I can't deal with them. They bring me down.” My moods. My f-ing moods (I'm a female, I have hormones, but let me tell you, even when I have PMS and want to murder the world, I have never ever once yelled at him or called him names or anything to that nature. I get pouty and hide away) is the only excuse he can pull out of his butt.

It feels like he wants to be able to live without me but knows that he can't. I'm the only person who has ever treated him like the amazing and honestly wonderful person he is. I love him so dearly and want to be with him while at the same time knowing exactly where his head is and not wanting to push him into something that scares him. So I'm stuck in this weird place where I know he has feelings, heck he may even be in love with me, but I don't know if he'll ever escape his head. I'm not sure what to do anymore, it hurts to do this dance over and over but it would kill me to walk away from him knowing how badly it would hurt him. Sorry about the rambling. Arg.

Advice? Friendly kick in the pants? Sage words of wisdom? Sassy blunt responses?

it's never simple, but i can say this:

Relatively_Resa wrote:I'm not sure what to do anymore, it hurts to do this dance over and over but it would kill me to walk away from him knowing how badly it would hurt him.

that's a decision you have to make based on what you want. don't try to be altruistic. don't try to guess. it's not even a matter of what you deserve (it helps if you do believe you deserve to think of yourself first, but that's besides the point). it's just that it just doesn't work

You could have an honest discussion with him about whether he is self sabotaging by acting like this towards you. It is something that he isn't entirely in control of if he is shaming himself from atempting the relationship. Avoidants want to connect with others and strongly desire it but they also fear intimacy. The avoidance is a defence mechanism that prevents someone from doing something that they want to do.

Trust and friendship don't signify hidden romantic feelings. And I would take the complaint about moods that bring him down seriously rather than as an excuse. This is not an avoidant feature, but there are indeed people who're absolutely incapable to cope with the negative feelings of others.

Simple answer, it's doesn't sound great, does it.

He's told you he doesn't feel the same. That would be a big red flag to me.

Real love should be natural and flow easily and he's told you it isn't there.

The mixed messages? Here's picking and choosing what parts he wants. He is not taking the whole of you. That's unfair to you.

It may sound harsh, but lots of people may like it if you clean for them, do their taxes and have a FWB relationship with them. It doesn't mean that they love you.

To be love it's more of a two way street. They make you feel good, they think of you, they consider your feelings.

I also think that it's an excuse about your mood. Which is very unfair to lay the blame at your door. If he cared, why hasn't he mentioned this before? Or offered to help you with them? Talked through about your moods?

It's sounds to me that you're doing nothing wrong in the relationship. He's not being fair, he's being selfish and he's not reciprocating . It's not a great place to start a relationship from.

I think you know the answer to your question. Just by coming here and asking, you know. You know deep down that he's taking advantage and you need to leave and not look back. He's a broken popcorn machine:

http://www.loveadvice.com/articles/POPCORN.HTM

snookiebookie wrote:Simple answer, it's doesn't sound great, does it.

He's told you he doesn't feel the same. That would be a big red flag to me.

Real love should be natural and flow easily and he's told you it isn't there.

The mixed messages? Here's picking and choosing what parts he wants. He is not taking the whole of you. That's unfair to you.

It may sound harsh, but lots of people may like it if you clean for them, do their taxes and have a FWB relationship with them. It doesn't mean that they love you.

I also think that it's an excuse about your mood. Which is very unfair to lay the blame at your door. If he cared, why hasn't he mentioned this before? Or offered to help you with them? Talked through about your moods?

It's sounds to me that you're doing nothing wrong in the relationship. He's not being fair, he's being selfish and he's not reciprocating . It's not a great place to start a relationship from.

Hrm....it really pains me to admit that you're most probably right. I don't think he's taking advantage of me, he's a genuinely nice person who wouldn't do that. But everything else....yeah.

FragranceOfLilac wrote:Trust and friendship don't signify hidden romantic feelings. And I would take the complaint about moods that bring him down seriously rather than as an excuse. This is not an avoidant feature, but there are indeed people who're absolutely incapable to cope with the negative feelings of others.

Right, that I understand, but the only time I have moods is when he rejects me. But it's still a mood, I suppose. You make an excellent point.

*sigh* On the plus side, I'm so used to this bullcrap that I'm numb to it. I don't know why I even bother anymore, I'm so deeply dysfunctional and inferior that I should have known that if I was attracted to a guy and he treated me nicely it was a massive red flag that I'm a fool. Even my mom told me that he was really cute so he was probably using me. Crawling under my rock now, done with it all. I do appreciate the open honestly, even if I didn't like the answer.