Does coing/recovering from AvPD always require intimacy?

I was diagnosed AvPD in 2012. Of course, I knew the problems and the symptoms but only began to learn about this disorder in therapy .

I am a very busy professional. I work at least 80hrs a week, travel regularly because of work. I am very conscious of looking after my body and spend about 14 hours a week in cross-training (strength training, cardio, road-running, flat water kayaking) and am developing a deep spiritual side, spending 9 hours a week.

Of course often when I see friends enjoying intimate relationships I feel a slight cringe, knowing that I don't share that. But I suppose they also feel a slight cringe when the see me finish a 10km run without breaking out in a sweat - or receiving an accolade at work, knowing that they don't share that. This is more so because I don't see their difficult moments, like they don't see mine .

Does coping/recovering from AvPD always mean trying to sustain an intimate relationship or is it just as legitimate to focus on other things and feel some sense of fulfilment through those?

I would say that coping well/recovering from any mental illness means that it's no longer causing you distress or stopping you from doing things you'd like to do.

With the caveat that maladaptive coping mechanisms can temporarily take away your distress and cognitive dissonance can fool you into thinking you're not interested in doing things that cause you distress.

You're extraordinarily busy. Are you familiar with Pete Walker's 4Fs? You might be a flight type.

I wish. No, you don't have to have people in your life, and it won't kill you if you don't.

There are two sets of coping skills avoidance have to develop - tolerance of intimacy, and tolerance of loneliness. Unfortunately, even if you have intimacy in your life you'll also feel loneliness from time to time, which necessitates a subset skill, tolerance of feeling loneliness with intimacy.

Other people fill their lives with people, so if they can't be with their partner then they're with their work friend, or a family member, etc, etc. They don't need to learn these skills to nearly the extent those with AvPD do.

In your case, it sounds like you have to build the loneliness skills. You're filling your time doing all this stuff, and that's great and it seems like it's working for you. However, what if you have an illness or an injury? Then your time won't be filled, you'll be stuck inside your head with no distractions, and you could quickly fall into a depression. So make sure you've got your tolerance of loneliness skills sharp just in case.

I heard a very insightful avoidant person say that achieving personal goals, through work and fitness etc, is what keeps avoidants going, and takes the place of intimate relationships for others. I've never seen documentation of that, but it rings true for me.

I'm getting really wordy. In a nutshell, I don't think there's anything wrong with how you're living your life, your coping game is strong. It sounds like you're on the verge of falling into a pit by comparing yourself to others and second guessing yourself. If you can pull back from the pit, do it. As long as you feel stable and are not being driven mad by the urge to connect, stick with the status quo, because it's working for you. If you think the tide is turning and you want to make changes, that's great too, but work on being okay with feeling lonely. It's really hard to learn, and it's harder when you're in upheaval.

Good luck.

CapeStorm wrote:I was diagnosed AvPD in 2012. Of course, I knew the problems and the symptoms but only began to learn about this disorder in therapy .

Of course often when I see friends enjoying intimate relationships I feel a slight cringe, knowing that I don't share that. But I suppose they also feel a slight cringe when the see me finish a 10km run without breaking out in a sweat - or receiving an accolade at work, knowing that they don't share that. This is more so because I don't see their difficult moments, like they don't see mine .

Does coping/recovering from AvPD always mean trying to sustain an intimate relationship or is it just as legitimate to focus on other things and feel some sense of fulfilment through those?

Hi Capestorm. I'm wondering what sent you to therapy? Was it a desire for intimate relationships?

CapeStorm,

it is great you are able to keep working and doing what you enjoy despite being weighed down by AvPD. inverse's post mirrors what I would have posted so just throwing a bit on top of that.

It seems that it is common for AvPDs to fragment their personalities into two (sometimes more) personas where one deals with self preservation and survival and another that would work on relating with others where the first persona becomes dominant through overuse and the second more or less sinks to the bottom.

You end up having to develop two different kinds of skills - the first is to keep going and do as much as you can with your life while utilizing only your survival persona. This isn't as bad as it sounds and it's possible to do quite a bit if you become friends with that persona - as you seem to be doing. Maintaining this persona is paramount because at various times you'll find yourself without a source of support outside of yourself and at those times you'll just have to go it alone.

Now the second persona is the one that pulls you into wanting intimacy and relationships and because it has been under-utilized you'll get the mix of fear and fascination whenever you try to get near activating it - including feeling like your friends' lives are so much more interesting than yours because of their involvement with others at the moment. If you should get involved with someone, expect that persona to get activated and change how you feel and see yourself - while overtaking your survival persona and allowing you to make changes to that part of your personality as it's no longer running the show.

Back to your question, you should keep going as you have been because you need to keep staying busy and motivated to ward off depression and some of the other nasties that come with AvPD. But, should you get into a relationship you'll get a boost not only while in the relationship but to your ability to stay afloat while by yourself as well.

I'm hoping this wasn't too esoteric to make sense.

CapeStorm wrote:Does coping/recovering from AvPD always mean trying to sustain an intimate relationship or is it just as legitimate to focus on other things and feel some sense of fulfilment through those?

I guess the important is your own fulfilment. Not to comply to some norm.

You ask if intimacy is needed. In an other thread, i think you spoke about finding a partner. Would you look for a partner with whom you share no intimacy? I think it can exist. Then it's closer to some sort of contract. I think it exists in some places. Maybe it existed in the past, too.

I was asking myself the same question and I wanted to say that some of you are hitting the nail on the head. Great introspection!

To answer OPs question. I was in an intimate relationship with someone and only realized later that it was abusive. I was uncomfortable the entire time, she seemed much more enthusiastic than I was and that alone made me feel very insecure about myself. While the relationship taught me to identify abusive patterns (and potentials) and it showed me how I should never, ever treat a partner... It makes me question to this very day whether this is simply my state of being, this discomfort and uncertainty, or if I felt that way due to me being treated "suboptimally", simply. I learned damn well what I don't want, but I still have no clue what it is that I actually want. I had flings after that, but made a run before anything worth mentioning happened.

I am not able to answer the question whether I want to be in such a situation again, even. I think part of me craves just having someone who respects me and my wishes, might love me and is there to talk to, while I am honestly still terrified of the implications and consequences. Someone to share my troubles and triumphs with. And then they would share theirs with me and we would see how well I am able to handle that. People come with baggage and I know I carry a lot. At the end of the day, it's all over nothing, anyway. I am terribly in love with someone as I type this, but she doesn't see me. And I am telling myself that, for both of us, it's better that way. Just being cruel with myself again.

Don't drive yourself insane hypothesizing. No, to have someone like that in your life is not necessary. But it might be very beneficial. Not in a cold, calculating kind of way, but in a very warm one. No one else can heal you, but maybe they can help you with it. And I think that would be very sweet.