Overcoming Anxiety

Gradually, my anxiety is lessening the more that I use a certain tactic and I think that it's the key for me.

My anxiety, like all people with AVPD, is centered around how others perceive me. I'm not anxious to go out in public and socialize, but I am anxious about people thinking negative things about me. For example, I can approach a cashier and place my order without a problem, but I do have problems making eye contact for extended periods of time if I don't get the impression that the person is pleased by, or content from, my presence. If they seem agitated, upset, or condescending in attitude, I tend to look away when talking to them, or I do look at them, but I gaze away quickly after I do.

This is so that I can make it easier to put my mind elsewhere and distance myself from the anxiety, to collect myself and remind myself that it's not truly important because, in the end, the only reason I'm anxious is because I'm not being validated and that one person isn't the only possible source to get my validation from. I can then calm down and convince myself that that I don't need them, so they're irrelevant.

I can still be nice to the person though and I generally try to be, even though it is difficult. I wrestle with thoughts of resentment towards them, especially if I feel they have a condescending attitude and are judging me on something about myself. Sometimes, I feel so strongly that I am being judged that I do have feelings of resentment, but then I tell myself that their opinion doesn't change how I feel about myself and, once again, I'm only upset because I didn't feel validated. I realize that they don't owe me that validation, the same way that I don't owe them any validation, so expecting it and then getting upset when I don't get it is silly. In the end, as long as I like myself, I feel like it shouldn't be important how they see me. Yes, I want people to like me, but not all people will and I don't need all people to.

So then I ask myself, why am I still anxious? Why does this mindset work momentarily, but then I get anxious all over again in a new situation? Well, because like anything else, when I'm used to something - like smoking - it's hard to break the habit. I'm so used to feeling anxious when I can't do something as well as others, or when I feel others aren't impressed by me, that it's just natural for me. Why? Because I want people to like me. Why do I want people to like me? Because when people like me, they want to be around me and that's what I want; I want company. I want friends, I want a girlfriend... But, how many people really need to be my friend? More importantly, what do I want out of a friend? Do I just want someone to be happy in my presence, or do I want more than that? Well, I want more than that... I don't just want them to be happy in my presence, I want them to be happy with ME in my presence...

And if I'm putting on a show, if I'm trying to hide ANY aspect of myself, then I'm not being me... And that wouldn't accomplish anything. In the end, I'd still feel anxious and miserable... I'd have the company, but I wouldn't REALLY be there with them... Physically I would be, but not emotionally. And the emotional aspect is what is obviously important to me, just like most human beings... Most human beings want to be loved and cherished for who they are and they want to love and cherish other people, but they want to do it authentically... So what holds so many people back? The only logical conclusion I can come to is that many people don't feel comfortable with themselves and I know that personally, that has been the case for me for way too long... So no matter how hard this is, no matter how hard it becomes, sticking to it is the right path and it is the only path that will lead me to what I want out of life and that's authenticity.

I'm tired of hiding, tired of faking and tired of being anxious... So tired, that when I detour from the path, I get more anxious and begin a process of self-loathing... But what I'm slowly accepting is that we all detour from the path from time to time, but that isn't something to be ashamed of... It's an inevitable part f the learning process and it isn't about how many times I detour from the path, it's about getting myself back on that path and fighting through all of the obstacles until I reach my destination...

That destination will never be perfect though. I'll always be on some sort of path, pushing forward, because such is life. Life is stressful, but why make it more stressful by giving up and taking steps backwards instead of forwards? That definitely won't help my cause and will only serve to make things worse. It may seem like retreating is the wise thing to do in the moment, but if I look at my past, it's really not... So forcing myself through that anxiety is the best thing I can do for myself, no matter how much it hurts... Because the more I do it, the less it will hurt...

It's like a baby taking their first steps. None of us did it on the first try, but we kept getting back up because we were determined and now we're all walking (this obviously doesn't apply to people with disabilities, but it does everyone else and is obviously only an example)

If we give up, we never succeed. Life is pain no matter what, but life is also pleasure and though there may be pleasure, or relief, from retreating from things to cause less anxiety for oneself, there's definitely more pleasure in attaining the things that I must go through hardship to attain; the things that give me the most pleasure are the things that I must face that anxiety to achieve. The solution is now clear and I am now on the right path.

Oh yeah, DGAF, if you can pull it off, definitely makes things easier.

I've been applying something similar to your technique to panic attacks lately to great effect. Basically I know now what it is, so I know I'm not having a heart attack, and when one hits me I think, there's something about this situation that's bad for me and I have to fix it, so I have something to focus on beside the panic attack. I don't feed the panic attack by focusing on it. It's almost like I can ignore it, and in doing that, it's lessened considerably.

I completely agree with your thought process and conclusions! When I was growing up I learnt that being me was unacceptable, and that's basically the root cause of all my mental health problems. I'm hoping that therapy will help me accept and like myself so that I can be authentic, and feel secure about being authentic.

AvoidantPenny wrote:I completely agree with your thought process and conclusions! When I was growing up I learnt that being me was unacceptable, and that's basically the root cause of all my mental health problems. I'm hoping that therapy will help me accept and like myself so that I can be authentic, and feel secure about being authentic.

I too hope that it helps you. In the end, of course, you have to apply the steps for yourself in order to get better.

I personally don't see any use for therapy now that I've come to these conclusions. I've been to therapy and what they did was tell me everything that I'm telling myself now. At the time, I just wasn't ready to accept what was being said, but after going in circles for most of my life, I finally recognized the pattern and am now able to accept what I must do to get out of that loop. The simple answer is the real answer and that's that there is no easy way or loophole to do this; I simply must face my fears and force myself to do what I must do to get the results that I want for myself. Not simply as in it will be simple, but simple as in the answer was in front of my face the entire time and I just did not want to face it. No more excuses and no more blaming others for my own actions.

If I don't force myself and if I don't take responsibility for myself, I'll always be on the outside looking in and to me, that's much worse than any anxiety.

It's nice to hear a positive story and the road you must have took to get to that point must have been really difficult to take. I'm glad that you managed to find your own path and found a way to feel better. Hopefully, your story might inspire someone else to take on a similar path as yours.

Everyone is different though and I believe we all have a unique way to get from where we are to where we wish we want to be. In my case, I have to work through a lot of generalized anxiety, depression, self-hatred, issues and OCD-like thoughts that accompany those. A therapist I'm seeing wants me to try painting with her, so that'll be interesting.

Someone I know that suspects she might be a schizoid is using the "fake it until you make it" method. I am amazed at how she manages to keep that act up ; I am wondering if its because of her INTJ nature and/or if she simply was forced in a corner and had to do the first thing that she thought of. We actually are watching a show together where the protagonist is basically doing the same thing as her, which is why she identifies with the MC so much.

TwilightVanguard wrote:Everyone is different though and I believe we all have a unique way to get from where we are to where we wish we want to be. In my case, I have to work through a lot of generalized anxiety, depression, self-hatred, issues and OCD-like thoughts that accompany those. A therapist I'm seeing wants me to try painting with her, so that'll be interesting.

As long as someone gets to where they need to be, that's the important part.

I too struggle (or have struggled) with generalized anxiety, depression, self-hatred and OCD. I used to worry about death a lot (still do, though less frequently) and I avoid certain numbers like the number 6 or the number 66 (there's one more but I don't even want to type it), because I feel that it's evil and that there will be consequences (unless I need to use them, in which case I feel like it excuses me... it's bizzare, lol). If something bad happens to me shortly after I do use those numbers, I associate the bad occurrence with having used said numbers. I feel like my general anxiety is what causes most most of my OCD, but not all. I do things compulsively, simply because I feel like I didn't do them right the first time. I know it's not logical though and recognizing that is what makes me fight it. The more I fight it, the more anxious I get but I've realized that if I really fight to ignore the thoughts and force myself to focus on positive external stimuli (or thoughts), that I forget about it. The more I do that, the more I realize I don't need to do those silly compulsive things that cause me stress and anxiety in and of themselves.

I still do on a daily basis, but the amount of what I do has been minimized. I'm able to fight most of my problems with logic alone and to me, fighting my compulsions to do repetitive things is the same as fighting my compulsion to smoke, which I actually no longer have. I think certain medications could help with that too and in some cases, like perhaps your's, that might be more practical. Medication can definitely make things easier, but for me, I found it too costly and decided that the price wasn't worth it if I could improve without it. And sure enough, I've been doing just that.

As for the fear of death, injury, etc. (which is the nature of generalized anxiety), I've again found that logic helps. Here's how it goes for me...

I think something like, "what if this feeling is the sign of something worse than I think it is?" and then I get anxious, so what I do next is tell myself that I truly can't know anything that doesn't have a clear outcome; I can only go by my feelings. So, I have this pain and it doesn't seem too severe, so why should I think it will get worse? Why should I think that I'll suddenly collapse and die?

I then think to myself that it could happen, that just because I have no reason to think it, doesn't mean it won't happen. Then I realize that I'm going in circles in my mind and that's when I realize that, yes, anything can happen... The roof could fall on me and kill me as I'm thinking this. It helps to accept that I'll die one day, somehow and that I don't know how, but if I keep thinking about it, I won't ever live a healthy, happy life. And then I'll die anyway... So, it's better just to force myself to think positively and to push those thoughts out of my head. They may come back repeatedly, but what I do is just keep pushing them out and eventually, I forget that I was ever thinking about it...

For example, I couldn't tell you what I was worried about three days ago. As I'm writing this now, I'm not worried about anything because I'm focused on writing this and that's my only concern. That tells me that being stimulated and doing things to occupy myself is the best thing that I can do to avoid those detrimental thoughts that don't do anything but send me in circles and don't get me any closer to the truth anyway.