Advice for wife of a possible AvPD who also has mental illne

AvoidantPenny wrote:Both partners should be understanding of what bothers the other person and refrain from purposely doing things that they know will upset the other.

"Should" is a very judgmental word. You have a picture of how people ought to operate (pure fantasy, btw) and keep shaking your finger at them until they get themselves in line. Try to get out of your own head a bit. Any ideal, including your own, does not work in the real world. People are different, they make different choices based on their own feelings, and that is okay.

Fishie, I don't have a lot of advice relationship-wise, (and we can't diagnose or undiagnose here) but I think UnsocialButterfly's suggestion of talking with a therapist yourself about the best ways to approach his behaviour is good. Couples counselling sounds like a great idea- he may need some encouraging (ok perhaps a lot of encouraging), but just in my personal experience with therapy, I've found taking the first step is the one that seems the hardest. Once I've gotten over the inital "getting there" bit, it's become a lot easier. Opening up in therapy is still a real challenge, but getting there slowly. But working out how to approach it all with some therapy for yourself sounds like it could be especially helpful.

I really hope you can find a way to communicate with each other more effectively. As someone who's had more people push me aside than people who genuinely want to help it is heartening to see people visiting the forum wanting to try to understand and help.

inverse wrote:

AvoidantPenny wrote:Both partners should be understanding of what bothers the other person and refrain from purposely doing things that they know will upset the other.

"Should" is a very judgmental word. You have a picture of how people ought to operate (pure fantasy, btw) and keep shaking your finger at them until they get themselves in line. Try to get out of your own head a bit. Any ideal, including your own, does not work in the real world. People are different, they make different choices based on their own feelings, and that is okay.

*mod edit*
Seriously if you were married and never considered your spouse's feelings in any of the decisions you made, you'd be headed for divorce. That's how relationships in the real world work, whether you like it or not.