Talking about your issues openly (mostly about me)

Sorry for an uninformative topic title, it's probably misleading. I wanted to discuss how you can talk to strangers about your AvPD and other mental issues OPENLY, especially with those strangers that you get prescribed as doctors.

For me it's not an unusual situation to have an unknown doctor assigned to me. With a therapist it's clear that you have time and they ask you questions, but I'm talking of a case when it's a psychiatrist who has no education in therapy and is supposed to prescribe you drugs, then there's a problem that I'm supposed to somehow summarize my fears and depression, but I just can't. I can't tell the half of it. Because I keep feeling like they don't care at all and I'm bothering them. It feels like shameful complaining, I feel like they don't care so much that they don't even believe me, as if I'm a small child clamoring for help that I don't deserve, and it's so embarrassing. I'm contantly afraid that they'd think I'm exaggerating how I feel, and end up mostly silent about it instead.

I can say something vague like "I feel bad", but that doesn't describe it. And somehow they don't see it on my face. Like, if I'm in the state of mental anguish, they don't see it all that clearly on their own. They see some sort of anguish, but have no idea how intense it really is, that there's an actual sensation of uninterrupted mental pain in my chest and that it hurts a lot, and I can't find in me the courage to talk about it. I feel like if they don't already see it on their own, then they won't believe me.

And the last time I tried to talk openly I got my point across incorrectly. I said I feared death that I'd have to face inevitably (long story), but the doctor decided that I care about my future and am prepared to change it. But I don't care to the point that I'm 100% certain I'll kill myself so as not to face it! Yet he thought I cared and tried to tell me various stuff, like "don't just ruminate, do things for your future", etc. I feel like it's all my fault, not only I failed to get my point across, I failed to fix the misunderstanding. Because I already felt like him giving me 5 minutes of his time is undeserved by me and like I bothered him so much that I should just get him rid of my presence quickly (yeah I know these are flawed illusions, but can't stop feeling like they're true).

It doesn't help that he's rude and talks down to me. Once I tried to talk to him about the whole problem, saying that I find it hard to share with strangers. But instead of getting a hint and trying to accomodate me by being nicer, he said "It's your own responsibility, you're the one who needs to tell me". So basically it's "I don't care for your imaginary problems with sharing, just grow up, idiot".

Anyone else has this problem that they can't share without feeling like a bothersome fraud noone wants to help? What could be done to cope with it?

Yeah, I would just tell that story to the next doctor. I would basically rant about it. It doesn't always work to try to be assertive with these pricks in authority but if you're submissive they'll walk all over you and they will try to make you feel that you're a fraud and that you don't have legitimate problems.

I think some doctors are too short-sighted. They thinkg that everybody is like them, he's probably one of those. So if he isn't afraid of sharing, then of course I shouldn't be, I'm just making it up.

I think I have a problem with therapy, really. Something is lacking. I found an old thread about people comparing CBT with psychodynamic\psychoanalytic approaches. People in CBT complained that therapists are challenging their believes all the time, which felt like judging to them, but someone in psychoanalysis complained that instead of solving problems they just jump around the topics aimlessly. I feel the same way as him, it's great when you can say anything without being judged, but I feel like there's no real progress. My therapist doesn't tell me how to realize that my believes are false. And so I I have to ask how to deal with projected believes in a forum, because therapy is not about it... That's just wrong.

Doctors just try to build a rapport with patients by being empathic. Nobody is just like anybody else but we're all human and we all have insecurities. I actually tend to expect people to understand me and that is probably having a sense of entitlement or being a bit manipulative. It's most likely an avoidant tendency to feel that other people can see right through you.

I suppose that there's the anxiety about being judged but I've been talking to a support worker that my doctor refered me to and the way that he sees it, I'm a proud man and I've got a real problem with asking people for help. He gets that and understands it in his own way. I think that he's had problems with anxiety himself and he works with patients that are having these sorts of problems. I'm getting on with him not too badly so far because he seems to understand me but he's starting to say how I should look at help that I might get as a means to an end and put up with people that I don't get on with very well and all that I can really say to that is that I would rather just stay at home if it's going to be like that.

Definitely have the problem as you described but my solution is to not talk about these things with strangers, for the same reasons.

But since informing the doctors is a must and you have to make an effort it might help to give them a list of problems you commonly experience along with when it happens if you're aware of any patterns. For example, "I get anxiety that seems to come and go and it gets worse whenever I have to deal with this kind of situation" and maybe add how often it's been happening recently.

I've found the doctors tend to only relate to things they have experienced, so if you describe something you went through that is outside of that they may agree that it happened to you but won't know what it was like. Not everyone is good at empathizing and some tend to view everything "rationally" which means thinking about it without experiencing any of the feelings that come along with it and those will definitely give you the "I don't care" vibe. The downside is that you won't feel you are getting support from them, but the upside is that they won't give it enough thought to think about the specifics you are giving them which makes the encounter kind of formal and impersonal - you don't have to worry about being remembered in a way where anything bad will be said about you.

Overall just be as specific as you can since you want them to get the symptoms down and give you meds that are hopefully going to help with the symptoms. The rest, I admit you can't expect too much from them beyond that.

Sometimes i have to write a letter to make sure my feelings are understood...then , i have to hope i get enough courage to give to the person its intended for.

You are a good writer fragranceoflilac , you could use your talent and express yourself on paper to give to the doctors .... the things you wish you could have said .

It's so important to communicate as much as you can about yourself to doctors ...a letter could save your life .

Thanks you everyone. And that letter advice... It's brilliant. I will try to write a letter for tomorrow when I visit a doctor. This is when I start wishing I had a printer. I just hope my handwriting won't be too unintelligible.

I've shown the letter to my doctor, and it went quite well. Today we managed to have our first more or less normal conversation after he read it.

Nice advice!