How do I approach my crush who is an avoidant??

How do I approach my crush who has avoidant personality disorder? I think he likes me too and I want to ask him to hang out sometime. I understand the traits of an avoidant however how do I message him without seeming too pushy and making him feel scared to reply back to me.

How do you know he has AvPD? Don't assume. 9 times out of 10 (at least) when people think someone must be avoidant because they're not interested, they're just not interested. Move on.

Just don't say to him that you think that he has a personality disorder. If you think that he's been giving you signals but is too awkward to make a move then he might be waiting for you to approach him. The problem as I see it is that if a guy is avoidant then he's not really going to want to get involved unless he's sure that you really like him and want him. The good news though is that if you do start going out together he'll do his best to avoid arguments and keep you happy. Welll, he might try to anyway. Try not to put pressure on him or criticise him too much for not being more sociable.

Kat123immag wrote:How do I approach my crush who has avoidant personality disorder? I think he likes me too and I want to ask him to hang out sometime. I understand the traits of an avoidant however how do I message him without seeming too pushy and making him feel scared to reply back to me.

Call him out for something at weekend, pick him at his home, go to have some fun, say that you want to dinner that you have a new bottle of wine at home, that you are trying a new dish. Make him relax.

If he ever says no at any, or even more than one, of these steps, just ask it again once more like the cat below.

inverse wrote:How do you know he has AvPD? Don't assume. 9 times out of 10 (at least) when people think someone must be avoidant because they're not interested, they're just not interested. Move on.

If he doesnt accept that, that doesnt mean that he doesnt want YOU. That means he is extremelly GAY. Like on the very end of the Kinsey scale.

No man would say NO in such a situation, even if you are ugly and fat (unless you are absolutely disgusting)

I am not saying that this is necessarily going to evolve into something more serious, but a man never reject sex on such ocasion.

Kat123immag wrote:How do I approach my crush who has avoidant personality disorder? I think he likes me too and I want to ask him to hang out sometime. I understand the traits of an avoidant however how do I message him without seeming too pushy and making him feel scared to reply back to me.

Don't message him. He probably won't respond. But don't confront in in the flesh, either. That will just freak him out and make it impossible for him to respond with any degree of emotional honesty. This is assuming he has AvPD, which, as inverse stated, he probably doesn't.

He's probably just shy. A lot of people are. Proceed from there.

If you know for a fact that he has received an AvPD diagnosis, that's a different story. If that's the case, please clarify.

creative_nothing wrote:If he doesnt accept that, that doesnt mean that he doesnt want YOU. That means he is extremelly GAY. Like on the very end of the Kinsey scale.

No man would say NO in such a situation, even if you are ugly and fat (unless you are absolutely disgusting)

I am not saying that this is necessarily going to evolve into something more serious, but a man never reject sex on such ocasion.

I don't know where to start with this one. But the kitty you posted makes me all soft and rubbery inside, so rather than ripping your argument to shreds, I'll just say "Nah."

Kat123immag wrote:How do I approach my crush who has avoidant personality disorder? I think he likes me too and I want to ask him to hang out sometime. I understand the traits of an avoidant however how do I message him without seeming too pushy and making him feel scared to reply back to me.

Has he been officially diagnosed with AVPD?

Saying that you understand avoidant traits is quite a bold claim to make on a forum for people who are struggling to understand the disorder. You mean that you have a vague idea about what these traits are.

There are people on here who will insist that intimacy is impossible for an avoidant. I tend to disagree and I think that that's just their avoidance talking. The suggestion about offering him it on a plate isn't actually that silly. People with problems with low self esteem can be easy marks for sexual predators. Avoidants can idealise a new friend or a "crush" that shows an interest in them. They could become obsessed and daydream for years about an atractive person who said something nice to them once. They would probably analyse the conversation to bits, trying to work out what you really meant or wanted. If you're too subtle about it it could just be confusing or too hard to take seriously.

NoM8s wrote:There are people on here who will insist that intimacy is impossible for an avoidant. I tend to disagree and I think that that's just their avoidance talking.

Indeed. Avoidant Personality Disorder is not Schizotypal Disorder. Intimacy issues is the major hallmark for schizotypal disorder

wikipedia wrote:Schizotypal personality disorder (STPD) or schizotypal disorder is a mental disorder characterized by severe social anxiety, paranoia, and often unconventional beliefs. People with this disorder feel extreme discomfort with maintaining close relationships with people, mainly for the fact that they think that their peers harbor negative thoughts towards them, so they avoid forming them.
...

At least five of the following symptoms must be present: ideas of reference, strange beliefs or magical thinking, abnormal perceptual experiences, strange thinking and speech, paranoia, inappropriate or constricted affect, strange behavior or appearance, lack of close friends, and excessive social anxiety that does not abate and stems from paranoia rather than negative judgments about self. These symptoms must not occur only during the course of a disorder with similar symptoms (such as schizophrenia or autism spectrum disorder).

Now what about the avoidant?

The avoidant have difficult start relationships, as stated they "unwillingness to become involved with people unless certain of being liked;" But once they are able to overcome this initial problem they will be able to trust people. Their social anxiety is stronger towards strangers and will abate with time.

The problem with the avoidant is that they are not unlinke the dependents, and so if you are willing to date an avoidant you must be prepared to date someone who will use you as a shelter, a shield to deal with the world that is cruel toward them.

One may think that a partner will heal the avoidant, but the truth is that the partner may just become a enabler of their disorder, providing all that they need. They will, at times, be able to completely avoid anxiety inducing tasks such as going to a supermarket relying on their partner to do these things for them.

If you are prepared to such an relationship go ahead.

People with problems with low self esteem can be easy marks for sexual predators.

Maybe not sexual predators, but avoidants can easilly fall for those cluster B, specially narcissists.

Yeah, my last girlfriend had BPD and it was a red flag for me because I've been with women like that before but I've come to think of them as my type.

I can be quite dependent and I was in an on and off relationship for three years with a woman that said that she didn't want to be with me but she felt that she had to help me by trying to be what I wanted her to be. She wanted to try to fix me. To a certain extent she succeeded. Actually going out anywhere with her was usually quite stressful but it always turned out alright in the end and we had a good time. Ironically girlfriends that I've had since then were less keen on actually going out and doing things together than I am now. I mean, I'm not saying that I will ever really want a big social life or circle of friends but it stands to reason that if you don't like going out because you think that people see you as a sad loser that nobody likes, then that's not going to be as bad if they can see that you've got a girlfriend and you never know and it might even give you more confidence or incentive to overcome your insecurities.

Threads like this make me feel like it's a dating advice site.

And I'm pretty sure the majority of people who post them just imagine that their desired person has a personality disorder. After all, no one just talks about it with strangers, so normally they'd have no way of knowing.

Why do so many people always fall for that and start replying seriously?

It's so easy to say that if someone ignores you they've got AvPD, or that someone who mistreated you got ASPD. Easier than admit that there are people who don't like you and that there are people who were jerks to you because they're just bad people. It's probably a defense mechanism.