Fake conversations

Btw does "small talk" you guys get bored with include when people tell you "My tooth fell out" or "I had a hard time walking today", etc. I get normally very bored with those and have to fake a response because there's no feeling at all. I guess I'm just fed up with people whining about the tiniest of their health issues when I can't whine about mine. You know how if you complain about AvPD people say "but you look totally normal to me", right (as if all mentally ill people are raging maniacs)? Or like you can't complain about depression at all, without getting insulted that you're "lazy" or "making a big deal out of it". I'm not sure but I think I now respond with total indifference to their issues because they've been indifferent to mine for ages.

Each circumstance is unique; and yet maybe you will have the possibility of restoring someone's faith in humanity by doing an act of kindness.....even if it's just saying a few kind words....even the possibility of making a connection with someone.....

angelinbluejeans wrote:Each circumstance is unique; and yet maybe you will have the possibility of restoring someone's faith in humanity by doing an act of kindness.....even if it's just saying a few kind words....even the possibility of making a connection with someone.....

In my experience, if you're kind to someone they leech onto you and demand you to listen to all their complaints and sorrows, even shallow ones, at all times. That feels like punishishment, like you're a trash can they're throwing the trash in to feel better, while you feel worse for them.

That said, I don't have experience with that many people. Maybe there are ones who don't act like this.

FragranceOfLilac wrote:

halfshell wrote:Though, I'm not sure if that really helps out when it comes to being a shut-in or maintaining anything but disdain for the world outside of our monitors.

You feel disdain towards the world? Why?

I have never possessed the ambition or aspirations that seem to sustain modern society. I am not a nihilist, and I very much see the value in human necessities and basic first world comforts, but I do not care for monetary aggrandizement, spiritual enlightenment, or the continuation of my gene pool. Without these motivations, I can be little more than a lesion on modern society. The fact that this does not bother me in the least is cause for much concern in people around me, who have tried everything from psychological conditioning to a vast array of pharmaceuticals in an attempt to "fix" what they perceive to be a broken cog in the machine. Not once has it ever been postured that I am maybe not so much demented or disturbed as simply abnormal. Hermits have been in the world for as long as human culture has existed, yet only now do we seek to "cure" their pursuit of solitude.

At first, I only felt a sort of empty irreverence towards the world. Once I noticed that my very state of being was apparently upsetting the natural balance of the way things were meant to be, that began to gradually transform into disdain. Perhaps my contempt is unwarranted, but I would like to think of this viewpoint as a little bit more than an infantile defense mechanism.

I apologize for the ranting, self-obsessed nature of this explanation.

halfshell wrote:I apologize for the ranting, self-obsessed nature of this explanation.

Actually I liked it. I tend to like people with high confidence or self-esteem. I suppose it's admiration? I noticed long ago that I tolerate them a lot better than others. I even like people who're radically different from myself, like sociopaths (no desire for love = no self-esteem trouble, which is enviable in my book).

That said, what you say (no social\spiritual drives) is very similar to a shizoid, but of course I'm no expert, just sharing my thoughts here. One of ideas I have about AvPD is that avoidance in this case is caused directly by low self-esteem, and social drives are still present and cause frustration because you think you're too worthless to even try to achieve what you want.

But I don't want to make a mistake of judging others by my single case and especially by words I read in the books about other PDs. It would be foolish.

It's interesting, though. I "met" a lot of people like this, hiding at home and without social drives, at an online place where hikikomori congregate to share their stories. It was strange for me to see how they despise the world, but I couldn't ask them about it. The comments were turned off, you were only allowed to post your own story in that group.

FragranceOfLilac wrote:That said, what you say (no social\spiritual drives) is very similar to a shizoid, but of course I'm no expert, just sharing my thoughts here.

Categorization and labeling of mental abnormalities can very quickly become superfluous, especially so when you consider that shrinks are taught to categorize based on stringent sets of criteria and then diagnose accordingly. Personally, I have been diagnosed with a huge spectrum of wonderful diagnoses from several different professionals, and quite a few of them were just guessing based on what I was subconsciously feeding into them. Many people live and die by these often subjective criteria, and refuse to believe that they might possess traits/symptoms from multiple, sometimes conflicting disorders. While I'm sure that it is much more common for avoidants to fit into the box of low self-esteem, meek, fearful creatures, to assume that other variants don't exist is absolutely closed-minded.

bubblemess wrote:so what would you do? am i wrong to feel indifferent to this person's conversational topic, am i just a miserable person? should i work on my mentality and learn to like conversations like these? what do you think?

Smalltalk is basically a type of social grease (one of many). People expect you to take part in it, and if you don't then things tend to get uncomfortable and awkward. I personally loathe smalltalk and superficial conversations about nothing, I find them pointless, tiring and boring, but I try my hardest not to show that. This is both for my own and other people's sake. I don't want to offend or make them uncomfortable, and I certainly don't want to draw any negative attention to myself by being rude or "weird". So I fake it like a madman.

While I like to think I have become pretty good at faking it, there are certain topics that tend to get problematic because of my personality and lifestyle. These topics also seem to show up really often during these kinds of conversations. Hobbies and interests (I configure computer networking equipment for fun, how's that for a conversation starter?), current news and politics (I don't follow the news and I've never voted), traveling (I've never gone abroad as an adult)... You get the idea.

I generally try to make the conversation about the other person, or at least keep them talking, so I can just nod, ask questions and fake emotional responses when appropriate. That helps avoid some of the troublesome topics mentioned above, or at least avoid that the topics are directed at me.

My theory on smalltalk and conversations about nothing is that "normal" people don't necessarily enjoy them all that much either. Sometimes they might, but not all the time. It's just something they do and it comes naturally to them. Most of the topics that come up are also easy to talk about for "normal" people (but sadly not for me).

I don't think you're wrong to feel indifferent or bored about smalltalk (I do too), and I kinda doubt that you can force yourself to like it. It's probably not a good idea to show other people how you feel, though. Just keep faking it and try to be polite.

"Always Alone" by Off With Their Heads does a pretty good job at describing how I feel about smalltalk, and really about interacting with other people in general: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oX-_b8Cux4