Fake conversations

Hi everyone, im a first time poster here having stumbled upon your forums from a google search and i want to get to the bottom of acting fake and being fake in life. I consider myself to have decent social skills but there is still something missing in many of my conversations; my identity. There are some people i can be real with and its fun! and it feels good if/when they respect you for that. But ive had trouble with being myself all the time. in a minute i will give you some example conversations; one being boring, the other being real.

I hear people saying be yourself, be real it does not matter what other people say. But sometimes i just cant and i feel like im an awful and rude person if i express whats truly on my mind. i feel like i dont want to hurt people so i pretend that what they are saying is valuable and that i value it when really most of the time i dont. here are some examples: the first being the normal, nice (but boring) conversation that one will have not to offend the other person and not feel like a bad person themselves.

Boring af conversation:
Person: im so excited for summer my dad is coming to town
Me: really wow, when?
Person: july to august
Me: wow sounds exciting
Person: yeah!
Me: what are you guys going to do
Person: tour the city chill you know
Me: oh thats SO cool is he staying with you?
Person: no in city x
Me: wow cool so cool; at least you dont have to go to him right? he's coming to you
Person: yeah i dont really want to go home im so excited
Me: cool so awesomely cool

okay gets you through it, you look nice, theyre cool with you all is good except it was boring af. you could steer it in a different direction and still be fake or you can say how youre really feeling. Most of the time im feeling like an asshole but i dont want to hurt the other person. Heres an example of a (bad) conversation but is completely real and based on how i feel:

Person: im so excited for summer my dad is coming to town
Me: yeah I don’t really care
Person: you’re rude couldn’t you be a little nicer?
Me: no
Person: Fine then don’t talk to me
Me: ok

lol even though this is really mean for no reason, it makes me happier than having to make small talk about something i dont care about

so what would you do? am i wrong to feel indifferent to this person's conversational topic, am i just a miserable person? should i work on my mentality and learn to like conversations like these? what do you think?

Some people would appreciate your honesty .

The honest (non boring ) convo would quickly help me to make assumptions about your mood and personality.. That's helpful.

I personally would try and think of a creative compromise . I would try and keep the conversation moving along but in a way that entertains.

Person: im so excited for summer my dad is coming to town.
Me: really wow... I wish my dad was coming to town , but he's dead. I could dig up his corpse and go on adventures with him though . Have you seen the movie 'Weekend at Bernies'?
Person: no
Me: OK , well it doesn't matter. I was kidding , my dad isn't really dead ... But he is paralyzed from the neck down ....
Person : oh my god.
Me: I'm just kidding again , he is alive and in great health.... I hope your dad has a great visit and doesn't die or get injured , I truly mean that and I'm not kidding .


Anyways .. I personally would never expect someone to entertain me with a interesting conversation and honesty can be incredibly boring also.

There are far more possibilities than the two conversations you provided .... I would find them .

Well, you don't have to choose between acting overly excited and flat out rude
And honesty is overrated anyway. It's not like anyone would survive a day without offending someone unless they told some white lies (or stayed isolated the whole day of course).
Maybe if you find a topic boring, just say "OK, cool" in a less ecstatic tone and don't ask any additional questions? Personally I like asking additional questions though, 'cause that way I don't have to show a real reaction to the "news" that someone's father is coming to town and rambling about their life keeps them busy enough to not bother me with personal questions.

Well, small talk is lame I know, but at the same time, it seems to be a necessity for some, they can gauge you with your reactions and whatnot. Being agreeable and interested is what I call diplomacy and it's worth it if you want to connect with the person you're talking to.

It helps to be engaged with who you're talking to. That's actually how you end up knowing the person. What I can't stand though is inane conversations about useless subjects like celebs or gossip. I can understanding talking about life events like a father coming to visit for summer, but I'd rather talk about astronomy than that celeb that was caught doing whatever.

Anyway, remember your limits too. A lot of people here are introverts and I'm sure you're the same. After awhile, you just need some alone time. It's easier to get angsty and annoyed when you're tired socially.

I'm happy to see someone else who sees social interactions as fake. I tried creating such a topic a long time ago and was told this is not related to AvPD? But whatever, here we can discuss it.

I totally know what you mean, I too find myself struggling to produce "correct" reactions all the time. Even though a lot of the time I couldn't care less what people are saying.

One method to deal with it is to pick people you talk to carefully. That won't work IRL if you're stuck with someone, but online it's easier. You can only talk to people who don't bother you with their topics and who you actually find interesting.

Another tip is to say things that you find interesting on your own. Derail the conversation if you need to. Think of others: they do not care whether you enjoy the conversation or not, so you don't have to walk on tiptoes around them, either.

But you've got to compromise. If you find some topic boring you say "that's weird, I don't get it" and move on to another topic. Don't say "I don't care", that's too harsh.

And I discovered that people don't always need you to be exagerratedly excited with their news. You can just listen and nod and that's it. What happens is that they project all expected emotions on you and believe you've got them.

So to summarize, socialize with people who're interesting to you, tolerate all others if you have to by expressing "fake emotions" minimally and derailing the conversations.

P.S. I also find it useful to pay attention to some fictional characters who're not overly sociable extroverts but are liked by the general public anyway. Like Sherlock Holmes from BBC? Society makes us believe that we can't afford being grumpy or whatever, yet society actually likes grumpy people sometimes. Not everyone wants a chatterbox gushing with raw emotion.

I know this will come off as arrogant hyperbole, but a lot of people in the world are incredibly shallow, and what many of us would perceive as a meaningless, "safe" interaction is the extent of their conversational wading pool. This is not to condemn those people by any means, I actually envy their limited scope since it is very much easier for them to maintain engagement and in turn contentedness in their discussions of weather, television, and whatever the media decides the topic of the week should be.
Fortunately, as the fine people before me have pointed out, the internet allows for a wide range of communities to address more obscure or complex interests.
Though, I'm not sure if that really helps out when it comes to being a shut-in or maintaining anything but disdain for the world outside of our monitors.

halfshell wrote:Though, I'm not sure if that really helps out when it comes to being a shut-in or maintaining anything but disdain for the world outside of our monitors.

You feel disdain towards the world? Why?

FragranceOfLilac wrote:

halfshell wrote:Though, I'm not sure if that really helps out when it comes to being a shut-in or maintaining anything but disdain for the world outside of our monitors.

You feel disdain towards the world? Why?

I see that a lot in shyness, social phobia, etc. forums. I tend to believe it's a defense mechanism.

skyflyz wrote:

FragranceOfLilac wrote:I see that a lot in shyness, social phobia, etc. forums. I tend to believe it's a defense mechanism.

I see. It's just strange for me to hear, I guess, because it contradicts low self-esteem on a fundamental level, and using exaggerated self-esteem as a defense mechanism isn't something I'd picture avoidants to do.

I've seen disdain towards the world in many religiouns practicioners of buddhism back when I used to be a buddhist. It's interesting if it was defense mechanism. Maybe the issues behind it were the reasons that drove them to religion in the first place.

skyflyz wrote:

FragranceOfLilac wrote:

halfshell wrote:Though, I'm not sure if that really helps out when it comes to being a shut-in or maintaining anything but disdain for the world outside of our monitors.

You feel disdain towards the world? Why?

I see that a lot in shyness, social phobia, etc. forums. I tend to believe it's a defense mechanism.

At least it was a defense mechanism for me back when I hadn't quite developed SPD yet but rather had AvPD traits (as a teen). I used to tell myself that everyone in my school is just so boring and superficial that I wouldn't even want them as friends, but in retrospect I just had a crippling fear of rejection (plus #######5 self-esteem) and totally yearned for anyone to be my friend