How do AvPDs have relationships?

Hi all,

I was wondering if anyone could give me advice on this particular problem I've been having.

Basically, even though I have AvPD, I am pretty good at masking it in public, especially in a classroom setting. For some reason I am comfortable in classes, but of course as soon as I get out I clam up and go back into my room and hide.

So I guess I must project a different image in class, because there's a girl in my class who likes me, who is always staring at me, she's asked my roommate if I was single and so forth.

Anyway, she's pretty and super smart, and if I were normal I would be estatic, but instead I feel horribly trapped, because I know the real me is completely screwed up and would never be capable of having a relationship with this girl. Because of this, I've started ignoring her or sitting away from her in class, because I'm terrified if she knew how I really was, she'd be completely uninterested in me. Even though I think my chances of actually having a successful relationship with her are 0%, it feels nice to have someone actually like you.

So I was wondering, has anyone gone through a similar problem? Could they offer me advice? I'm just curious, how do AvPD people get into relationships? Does your significant other know about your problem right away, or find out about it later? And if it's the latter, how do they react?

-Thanks

Don't say that there's 0% chance of it working out, because truthfully you don't know.
If it were me, I'd not try to run from her but just continue acting the way you were before and see if she approaches you. If she does, I'd talk to her occasionally but maintain a distance and slowly build up some sort friendship with her. She'll be able gauge your personality, faults and all, without you still not being too close and attached to her.

That's basically what I did with the person I'm with now, getting close to them slowly to see if they run away from my personality flaws and we've been together for 9 years, married for almost 2; but to be fair, he was very aggressive in approaching me.

MilkofHumanKindness you are lucky to have someone interested in you. You say you're good at masking in public, so maybe you could start out seeing this girl in a public setting and take it one day at a time. If she really likes you more than likely she will look past any part of your personality that you aren't comfortable with.

I wish I had better advice but unfortunately I don't have much healthy relationship experience. The first one I had the girl aggressively approached me and I finally took a chance. The second one it took me years to have the courage to approach her about having a relationship and only then couldn't do it on my own. I had to have someone else help.

If you like this girl you have to just take a chance.

Hey thanks guys. But when I said that I had a 0% chance of a real relationship with her, I meant it. I give off a different persona in class, but in real life I have no friends, never had a girlfriend, and am paralyzed by new experiences.

I went to a jazz bar the other night with some classmates and didn't order a single drink, because I simply didn't know of a drink I could order...I was that unexperienced.

So the real me is a complete disaster, and because this girl thinks I'm a different person, there's just no way it could work.

Hi Milk,

I think you should let her ask you out and not worry about whether or when or how she is going to find out about your AvPD. If she likes you for who you are, she will stay. If not, she will leave, and after the semester is over, you probably won't have to run into her too often. Life will go on.

If there was 0% possibility of having a relationship with this girl, she wouldn't have been interested in you to begin with. Who knows, maybe she will come to like avoidant types.

My boyfriend is pretty social and is an extrovert, but he understands my AvPD, and never pushes me to go to parties with him. I have learned in my psychology of human sexuality class that the common belief that "opposites attract" is only partially true. It holds only when it comes to personality issues! In other words, an extrovert and an introvert can make a great pair if they were similar in other aspects such as political views and spirituality. Even though this is somewhat of a generalization, take heart in it, and go for it! You owe this to yourself.

because I know the real me is completely screwed up and would never be capable of having a relationship with this girl

What you said is an assumption, which you dont know for sure if its true or not. Thats exactly the wall you have to break down, because its not real, its just an exaggerated and incorret projection of yourself. Everyone has a dark side, you just have assumed all your life that you are the only one, and have no experience on watching someone elses fears and frustrations.

I suggest you make it your goal to be her friend, the least you could do if you really like her is to make it a goal to be her friend, that way you dont have to put her trough the pain of 'going down with you', because thats what friends are for.. correct?.. and once you are comfortable in that zone, and realize first hand that your assumptions are terrible wrong and misplaced, you can try to make a move into boyfriend zone.

Just make her know she is someone you want to be around, because she is interesting, smart, pretty, special, or anything you feel about her that is true. You realize if you neglect her, you are going to confuse her too? do you think she is made of steel? undestructible? she has her own issues you may trigger if you both know there is a special connection but one of you simply retreats with no apparent reason, thats gotta be confusing for her if you do.

Good luck, now go and take one for the team. Heh.

Basically, even though I have AvPD, I am pretty good at masking it in public, especially in a classroom setting. For some reason I am comfortable in classes, but of course as soon as I get out I clam up and go back into my room and hide.

So I guess I must project a different image in class, because there's a girl in my class who likes me, who is always staring at me, she's asked my roommate if I was single and so forth.

Anyway, she's pretty and super smart, and if I were normal I would be estatic, but instead I feel horribly trapped, because I know the real me is completely screwed up and would never be capable of having a relationship with this girl. Because of this, I've started ignoring her or sitting away from her in class, because I'm terrified if she knew how I really was, she'd be completely uninterested in me. Even though I think my chances of actually having a successful relationship with her are 0%, it feels nice to have someone actually like you.

A year ago I was in the EXACT same situation you were are in now. In fact after reading your post, it almost felt like I had written it except for the "she asked my roommate" because I've never had a roommate. Basically, nothing ever happened. The year ended, I never had a meaningful conversation with her, let alone asking her out or anything at all. I kept making excuses like I'm too messed up, she's too different, need a job, too busy, there are people around...whatever I could think of but they were just that, excuses. I regret it everyday. If you are lucky, she might be aggressive and ask you out, but chances are shes not and nothing will ever happen if you don't do something. The more time that passed, the more awkward I felt around her, and the worse the avoidance got. I think she finally "got the message", the only problem was it's the wrong message but I couldn't help but send it.

So, please, no matter how hard it is, do something. Do anything at all, smile, wave, small talk even if you hate it. I can't stress this enough: anything that will show her you have even a mild interest of being around her. She might pick up on the hint and do all the hard work for you by asking you out. Even if it doesn't work out, at least you did something. I wish I could say that I had done something. Once you lose this oppurtunity it's probably never coming back.

I agree with Iron Angel. I know we all have problems with this, since we fear rejection, but you have to make that move. I failed to do this for years and years, even with women who were practically shouting out their desire to get to know me. I ended up a sad, frustrated, bitter man in his thirties, living alone and looking back with profound regret at the missed opportunities for happiness and companionship.

Try asking her out to a movie. Be direct but polite. Approach her when she is alone. I think there's a lot of girls and women who will appreciate that someone is not trying to impress her with a lot of BS.

When my now husband pursued me I ran away several times and I was sure he would get fed up with me but for some strange reason he didn't. We've been together now for eight years, and he still sticks by me even though he has to put up with my craziness. Sometimes I think things just work out how they're meant to, like fate I guess.

IronAngel,

I really appreciate your message, and I realize that what you are saying is almost certainly right. I have thought over a lot recently, and like you, I just keep coming up with reasons why not to ask her out. In fact, when I actually think about asking her out, I get an incredibly uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I really don't know if I can do it, but I do know you're right. But in class, I am a completely different person than I am in real life---in class I am able to hide my real personality and life, and I deliberately avoid making close friends so that I can keep elements of my life secret. For this reason, I think, asking her out may be impossible. After all, what do you do on a first date except ask the other person about themselves? I would be doomed.

But thanks to everyone for their kind words. It is much appreciated.