late 30's and just found out about AvPD

Hey all, My first post so thanks to whoever listens

Just after a bit of perspective i guess. The last few days have been interesting for me as i have only recently found out about AvPD. This is a rundown of why i ended up on this site.....

I have always known there was something a bit different about me since my late teens but was never sure what.

I have had some friends over the last 20 years, and one relationship around 15 years ago (which I think i found easy as i didn't really care what she thought of me and it all felt a bit fake.) When that ended, I never really got that close to anyone for the next 15 years and never really considered it would be possible to have a relationship with anyone i genuinely cared about. I made no effort to even try and date.

I work in an office and keep to myself as much as possible. I can talk to people about mundane and work related topics, but beyond that i don't really interact with anyone.
I don't go out at all, and if someone ropes me into something i really don't want to do, i just find myself instantly wondering what excuse i will end up using to not go to whatever it was.

I still have a few friends but i don't really see them unless they make the effort to contact me first, and they would have to come and see me, i would not go and see them.

Anyway for about a year now I have actually been spending a lot of time with one of these friends (not sure why she would want to). We would just hang out some evenings, chat a bit about nothing serious, watch movies etc, maybe go shopping at the weekend (if i was willing to go out to a "people place" that day). As we started spending more time together it just felt easy being around each other, she never pressured me to be anything other than me and i could handle that.

But then the more i realized i liked her the more it all went south. It didn't seem to matter what i did or didn't do, what i would or would not say etc, it was just always wrong and made things a little more uncomfortable each time.

I'm sure it must have seemed clear to everyone that she liked spending time alone with me and enjoyed my company but i could not convince myself that she could in anyway be interested in me. I just would not allow myself to accept that she was doing little more than tolerating me.

She practically asked me if i wanted a relationship once, and my brain was just going "Sorry, I'm not going to be here for this conversation, have some help from Mr denial and Mr confusion, they can answer for you" (Emotional tourettes seems like a good phrase for how i felt at this time).

I was sensible enough to know that whatever the issue was, it was due to me, so i started looking into it. found a few possible explanations, but nothing sounded quite right. The closest i got for a little while was alexithymia. I have the traits so it seemed to fit well, but something was still nagging me that it was not the answer i really needed to help me understand me.

So a few more months went on, with us still spending our spare time alone together, enjoying each others company and not being in a relationship because i still could not work out what she wanted, or convince myself she would want me. I would just sit there confusing both of us. Each time i tried to get closer, i instantly felt like an idiot for even trying and would just back off. I would not speak to her or text her for a while. Not because i didn't want to, it just felt like anything i could say or do at that point would only make things worse so i did nothing.

Anyway, the situation at the moment is that I have just pushed her away again, due to some overwhelming feelings of stupidity and anxiousness. i get the feeling it may be permanent this time (But it feels like that every time anyway). I have not seen her for a few weeks now, and have been trying again to find out whats not right with me.

I'm not sure how i didn't stumble across AvPD when i first researched my issues, but as soon as I started reading about AvPD it was almost like i was becoming self-aware. The info and posts I have read here and on other sites have related to me more than i thought would be possible. I know It may seem hasty to have self-diagnosed, but i have done a lot of research about other things and I finally just knew where i belonged on the spectrum... I believe i know myself well enough to diagnose me better than any therapist could (diagnose me that is, not help me with with the diagnosis).

Its an odd sensation getting to your late 30's, always having known you were different somehow, and then finally finding out why, but its quite a relief to have a better understanding of why i am like i am.

So I'm sure I have AvPD, and if so I can deal with that. I have been dealing with it all my life, just didn't know it.

What i cant really deal with at the moment is what i may have been putting my friend through for the last however many months its been. I'm starting to realize how confusing and frustrating this must have been for her. I have my answers now, but I know she deserves to know the truth too, and i would like a chance to explain myself and apologize to her, but how am i supposed to share any of what i now know about me? I just already know i cant. (I think she may already know anyway to be honest, and has therefore never mentioned it out of kindness).

Not looking for answers, just perhaps some understanding, and to know I'm in the right place.

Feels good to vent a bit

Is she a breeding age female? Think of it this way - if you are going to breed it's best to do it before 40. I think you should seriously think about it at this point. Have you ever talked to a therapist? Most of them are worthless, but you might find someone if you look hard.

I've just recently stumbled upon this as well. I feel pretty confident though that I have this and actually think I surprised my family doctor with not having realized this. I have some borderline tendencies as well and feel like a lot of the disorders overlap.

I haven't really ever been in a relationship but have had short term relationships that revolved around drinking. It sounds like she likes you so if I had advice I'd say you should date her haha. Sounds like you get along well and she's understanding of your issues. Watching a movie alone with a girl sounds like a dream to me haha.

I think you could be honest with her about being avoidant and explain your issues a little. It might be a good way to get back in her good graces and start talking again. Anyways, welcome to the forum!

Thanks for the replies

I know she does not want kids... but breeding sounds a bit far off for me anyway...just talking is hard enough sometimes and physical contact seems like a pipedream.

I hugged her just once in the last few months (after she had some bad news) but even then I just instantly felt like i was making her uncomfortable so I pulled away.

I'm sure she knows something is not quite right with me, but dont think she knows what.

Would love to be able to explain things to her, but given how little i can speak to her about anything personal, I would not know where to begin, and would no doubt mess it up and feel stupid afterwards anyway

Feels to me that the more I like someone, the less chance i have....