feeling in a bad way

Hi

I am fairly new to posting here but I am going through a bit of a crisis with myself at the moment, I am suffering stress and work anxiety. I am on leave from work but I have barelybeen outside in several days, i feel very anxious and depressed. I find it very difficult and embarrasing to discuss these issues with anyone.

I am 58 and can't believe I feel this bad
Because I have unconsciously kept people at a distance I am unable to confide I nanyone

I feel so guilty that I might have passed on some of my avoidant traits to my adult son, I feel I have not set him a good example although he certainly copes better than me

From since Li can remember I have let friendships drift and avoided all but the most basic social engagement

I have never been able to feel on the same wavelength as most people, I could never understand how I seemed to live at about half the level of the majority.
I wander if I am on the autistic spectrum although labels don't help
Does this resonate with you

Goodness knows what my acquaintances think. I have had people ask me why it has been such a long time since I have been in a relationship. I didn't know what to say
I have stuck at the same job for years and have never gone for promotion, I am recently very anxious at work but feel isolated when I'm not there.
I can't believe it never really occurred to me how different I was from most people
Things are far more out in the open now.
my symptoms are
Intermittent depression
Anxiety
insomnia
Restricted life
Sorry to ramble

Ramble on all you like, that's what this forum is for.

Sorry to hear you feel so bad, but if it's any help, you are not alone. I'm sure a lot of what you said will resonate with people here. It certainly does with me.

In the house for days, keeping people at a distance or letting friendships drift, no one to confide in, depression, feeling held back at work...I know exactly what you mean.

I have never been able to feel on the same wavelength as most people

Especially this!

A lot, if not all of these feelings are shared by people with AvPD. I hope posting here will help you feel less isolated. For me, feeling isolated is one of the scariest symptoms. There's a thin line between being comfortably away from the world and a little too far away from the world.

If your feelings are indeed due to AvPD, from what I understand it's not hereditary. I'm sure a little of it can "rub off" on others, but not to a clinical degree. You say your son is coping better than you. I think if he was having similar problems you would have noticed, or at leased sensed something.

It's not easy being this way, but it's not the end of the world either. There are sub-forums for depression, insomnia, autism and a lot more here. Reading some posts here and there may give you a better understanding of what you're going through. Being in touch with yourself is important, moreso than labels, which can sometimes add to confusion, so it's good to hear you're not just looking for a diagnosis.

Even so, you might want to look into therapy, especially if you're experiencing depression.

Good luck to you! Hope to see you around!