I don't want to kill myself, but I want to die

Idk wtf to do

Avpd is a disability. Torture. Causes much unhappiness and suffering. Cruel, relentless and isolating

First of all, is this a general feeling of 'It'd be better if I wasn't here' or are you actually thinking of doing something?

If you've thought it through and are making plans, get help. Now! Speak to your GP/doctor. I'm not sure what country you're based in, but in the UK there are several charities that we can turn to that have phone lines (I.E. the Samaritans, MIND etc). It might be worth googling it to see what support is available where you are. These phone lines are manned 24 hours a day and they offer immediate support to people in immediate crisis and danger

Hopefully you are not in crisis and not thinking of taking drastic action. If it's a general, pervasive feeling of 'stop the planet, I want to get off', then I sympathise and can relate. I feel like this often, to varying degrees. I think it is due to self esteem issues and depression. The lifestyle and thought patterns that I have due to AvPD often makes me feel worthless, trapped and downright miserable.

My advice would be the same as earlier, seek help. Speak with your GP/doctor. They can offer medication which can relieve anxiety and help lift depression. Remember that is not a 'fit all' solution and it may be trial and error before you find a med and dosage that works. It can also take time to work, they suggest about six weeks.

Medication is only part of the story. It should go hand in hand with therapy of some kind. There are a multitude available but essentially they are all talk therapy based. Counselling includes you talking through your life experiences until you neutralise them. CBT is similar except you learn the ways that your thinking is faulty or negative. You relearn better more positive ways of thinking and behaving. They are the two most popular therapies and there are other slightly different therapies available. Again, it's a case of finding the one that suits you.

It can be a long journey to recovery. I find that I have good times and bad times and relapses. But I know now that I can find my way back to recovery and that it's worth the time and the effort.

I hope you can find the strength to continue and find that spark of hope to find a way out. At the moment you are shrouded in a dark, hopeless depression. It feels impossible to get out. But with help and hope you can come out of it.

Sending you positive vibes. Please post again, so that we know that you are safe.

Often idealizing suicide myself I understand where you're coming from, but you gotta keep in mind that this is your only life, so to truly justify ending it you would have to have literally no other way out. The bad would have to greatly outway the good over the course of a whole lifetime, and really there's no way to know how the rest of yours (or anyone's) life will turn out (although with having this personality disorder I can see how one could feel hopeless about the rest of their lives).

For me, I don't really relate to the title in the sense that I truly want to die, but rather that I just want the problem to go away, which is likely the case for 95% of people (although I pulled that figure out of my a$$, it's around that number).

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this . It is a very cruel and difficult disorder to cope with.
I can relate to how you feel I wish I could give you some more constructive advice. Try to be kind to yourself.
I have had times of feeling like this and it tends to come and go
Is there something in particular happened or is this an ongoing feeling
It could be worth seeing your doctor you could be suffering from severe depression
I wish you well

"Often idealizing suicide myself I understand where you're coming from, but you gotta keep in mind that this is your only life, so to truly justify ending it you would have to have literally no other way out. The bad would have to greatly outway the good over the course of a whole lifetime, and really there's no way to know how the rest of yours (or anyone's) life will turn out (although with having this personality disorder I can see how one could feel hopeless about the rest of their lives)." - Auxiliary11

This is good advice and I would second it. But also remember that it is always better to be poor of wealth than poor of spirit. So if you have money problems, then remember that money is a human-made thing and is only good if it keeps you alive and or productive in any way. Just giving one simple example...I am currently using a somewhat older laptop and it is a little bit broken. But other than a dent or two the laptop works fine and so I am thankful for it. Remember that there are always things to be thankful for in some regard. Some people don't have adequate clothing after all. I am not saying that you should ever feel ashamed for wanting to end it all, but life is an insane thing. And insane things don't have to be reasoned with, so don't put pressure on yourself when you don't need to. Whether someone believes in God, an afterlife, or anything similar for that matter, this lifetime itself does hold some significance so don't throw it away. So along with Auxiliary11...that's my advice for now. And I hope that you pull through with whatever crap might be on your shoulders.

To add some of my own personal experience though...I have often felt like you do time and time again and I am still here. So what does that tell you? I serve as an example that you can want to disappear but yet you still live! Sometimes just living is all you can do. And as long as you are kind to people when you can be, if not most of the time, life does have meaning.

How are you doing now Angelina? Please let us know how you are doing. Hope this finds you safe.

Hugs
Lily