Can I repair this trust

I have left my avoidant boyfriend.
We spent nearly every other night together and he would share things occasionally about his family and his anxieties. He opened up as did I (which is quite difficult for me) and we became in a blissful partnership in spite of our fears of intimacy. I think we truly love one another. I've never taken his triggers or occasional need for space personally. I can usually tell before hand - talking in his sleep and other behaviors.

He left town on business for a month and when he came back it was square one. All the progress we made and our partnership seemed gone. He was a stranger to me. Somewhat triumphant and putting on a character. While we spent time together about as usual he was distant with the exception of one night. He was even cruel at times.

I felt that he is simply not capable of intimacy and eventually will do something unforgivable to push me away. He prefers to be admired for his on the surface character than who he is and likes to bury and hide from inside. I like both of the characters.

I told him the ways in which he felt different and asked if things had changed. He could say nothing. During the course of the conversation in which I told him I wanted to gracefully bow out to salvage our friendship because I want to see him as I do because I love how I see him. He was cruel and cold for awhile saying he never wanted to be with me and many other remarks. He later apologized saying he meant everything between us (in practically a whisper) that the holidays are hard and he didn't mean to push me away and that he knows what he's like and would do the same thing. He would leave too. That he's not capable of giving me what I deserve and that he respects me and needs me in his life.

I have felt regretful about this for days now.
(He struggles somewhat with addiction and usually will get in a cycle of sleeping with the same woman then break her heart by sleeping with someone else. Once I recognized him not feeling like my partner I wanted to change our acquaintance before he sabotaged us)
I worry that I was being somewhat hypocritical in the emotional wave of my family trauma and the stress of the holidays. I worry that I've been impatient with him. I worry that he will feel like I'm leaving him because he's '###$ up' (he told me he never wanted me to see him in his anxious breakdown moments or know this side of him) I worry he'll view this as abandonment or anything less than love.

I love him. I obviously haven't told him and leaving doesn't suggest that either. I wasn't unhappy with him til he came back different. I feel I did the right thing for both of us but I am so afraid that I'm walking away from something special and someone I really love that loves me too that can't have the courage or trust to say it allowed.

I will see him later this week. I am nervous. We have the same friends.

What traits does he have? I know that you mentioned needing personal space, but that could be a trait of numerous disorders. The part about breaking up with women by cheating on them is kind of the opposite type of behavior associated with avpd.

Unsocial Butterfly wrote:What traits does he have? I know that you mentioned needing personal space, but that could be a trait of numerous disorders. The part about breaking up with women by cheating on them is kind of the opposite type of behavior associated with avpd.

I agree.. has this guy been diagnosed by a professional with AVPD? Because I think it's easy for somebody to think that their friend or SO who "avoids" something has AVPD, which he or she may or may not have. And I agree that there are traits here of possibly something else (we can't diagnose here and I wouldn't be able to anyhow).

*mod edit*

We were exclusive. We got tested together, I've met his friends in fact we share a lot of them. We have the most amazing sex life. He struggles with alcohol addiction for sure and cocaine addiction although he made a lot of improvements with that during our time together and thanked me for it. His mother was a meth addict and I'm pretty sure he witnessed or experienced some abuse. He has nightmares very rarely where he cries in his sleep or talks in his sleep. Sometimes he cannot accept my physical comforting and is terrible with compliments but only when having an anxiety attack.
After times where we are extremely intimate both physically and verbally (especially after he shares anything personal) he will need a few days to himself. He just disappears. When I actually saw him have an anxiety attack he told me that he just didn't want me to see him this way and doesn't want me to think he's ###$ up or not fun. We would spend about 4-5 days out of the week together except when he takes his breaks.

I left him because recently it was fairly unbearable he was so distant. I've seen it before when he's struggling with issues with his family that its hard to get him to share. This was worse than ever though and was really painful and sudden. When I ended things he was empty and cold it was quite shocking. He wouldn't speak only shrugs. He said some cruel things at the time that he didn't ever want to be with me despite him being who led us there. I asked if he meant anything he did or said that I didn't know who I was talking to because he was empty and like a stranger before me. I began to cry so I excused myself to the bathroom for a moment. When I came back he said he doesn't know why he does that. Why he was so defensive to me. That he needs therapy. That he meant everything he did and said with me even if he seemed to negate it at times. That he respects me and knows what he's like that he's just incapable and that he understands why I'm leaving that he would leave too. I told him I just needed to that I want to salvage my image of him.

I don't know too many details. I know he hasn't had a serious girlfriend in many years. He gave me more than he's given someone in a long time. He's had some non exclusive dating experiences where he ended up sleeping with someone else and that has contributed to his reputation in that regard.
He didn't cheat on me. He hasn't slept with anyone since we broke up. He accused one of his best friend of sleeping with me. He's been really depressed even when he tries to mask it with being life of the party its easily seen through.

Symptoms:
Promiscuous (not when we were together)
Drug and Alcohol Abuse
Anxiety and Occasional Self Isolation
Nightmares
Shutting Down Emotionally
Oversleeping
Low Self Esteem - Feelings of Worthlessness despite charisma and charm
Occasional Impotency

He was apparently super down about the break up and a mutual friend said you know you could likely work things out with her but theres no point if you don't treat her the way she deserves. And he said thats just it she is better off without me.

It sounds like it is very difficult, but it does not sound like avpd is the main issue. I would recommend encouraging him to see a psychologist in order to get a professional opinion.

Unsocial Butterfly wrote:It sounds like it is very difficult, but it does not sound like avpd is the main issue. I would recommend encouraging him to see a psychologist in order to get a professional opinion.

I agree.. there are some things that can't be fixed by a well-meaning friend or SO.. and this is probably one of them. It's hard viewing it this way, but if this guy had say, a broken leg would you be wanting or thinking you could fix it (which I'm not necessarily saying you are doing)? Probably not, unless you were a medical doctor. This is really no different in some ways, and it might be helpful to you to think about it In those terms, rather than thinking "If maybe I'd done this or that, maybe things would have worked out".

It's best left in the hands of a good psychologist or other mental health professional, and unfortunately, you can't force him to go to one any more than you could force him to get a cast on a broken leg.