How to work through difficult patch with avoidant friend?

Hi there. I'm after some advice on how to work through a sticky patch with a very close friend who I'm pretty certain is avoidant, or at least has many of these traits. Her personality being what it is means that talking through it with her is very difficult hence me seeking out advice elsewhere.

I'm generally of a secure attachment style but my avoidant friend triggers the anxious side of me. I'm aware that in our relationship there's a bit of push and pull from time to time, and from reading around I know that this is a common theme!

We've had a biggest bump in the road yet but are working on sorting it out - I really don't want to give up on our friendship, despite being tempted to, and I know she doesn't want me to either. She hardly has any friends and it has taken us a long time to get close.

What I need advice on is how to handle this patch up period so as not to freak her out or push her away by seeming too over-affectionate, but also reassuring her that I want to stick around. I'm pretty sure that at the moment she feels like I'm rejecting her as I have been a little withdrawn lately - both to work out my feelings and to give her some space.

Any tips or personal experiences would be really gratefully received. Thank you!

I rcently told my 1 close friend that I have avoidant traits, and I noticed she started doing things differently....which has helped me a lot. In terms of communicating she is a lot more direct, and more reassuring than most people would need. For example, once she figured out that I tend get anxious and expect people to bail on plans, because they have better friends, she started sending me texts to let me know if she was waiting at the restaurant or running late. Since I have worked through some stuff I need this less, but it really helped at the time.


Is there a particular scenerio that you are willing to share regarding your friend? It might help get advice more in line with the issues you are having with your friend.

Thank you Unsocial Butterfly! I wish my friend would tell me how I could communicate with her better, but she clams up when I ask her things like that so I'm none the wiser.

I have always taken the approach of initiating meet ups, conversations etc as I know she's not confident to do it a lot of the time, and more often than not I'm the one to send her texts to keep in touch. I get a bit worried sometimes that I'm being over-attentive, but if I didn't initiate most of our contact then there probably wouldn't be much. Do you think it's likely that she appreciates me doing most of the communication or will she feel hounded by me?

Right now we had an incident about a month ago where she didn't react to something in the way I would have liked her to and I told her she'd upset me. We had some emails about it during which she told me she felt she couldn't live up to my expectations of her and that she understood if I couldn't put up with the way she was. From my point of view I felt my expectations were very reasonable and what I would expect from a normal friendship, but I now realise that in her case I need to see things differently.

We've both said we value each other and want to make the friendship work but I can't deny things have been a bit strained since the incident. I have tried to give her some space (and I needed it myself) but I'm now trying to get things back on an even keel. As usual I think it will be down to me to do the lion's share of the work, which is fine, but it's really hard to gauge how much reassurance she needs, and how much contact she wants. My instinct is to try to be very reassuring but I don't want her to feel overwhelmed or pressured by me.

I've done lots of self-reflection to work on my own anxieties and reactions, and have thought loads about how I can understand her position better, but I can't tell her this. I just want her to know that I care I guess and am not abandoning her.

In regards to over communication, I personally feel it is more about content than the frequency. If you are talking tons about a mutual hobby or interest that probably will not bother her with frequent texts, but talking about your other friends or social events might trigger her after one text message.

She probably blew the the incident with you way out of portion. I personally have assumed that people no longer have time for me or want me around if they do not respond to a text message within a day. Next time you have an issue to resolve perhaps try to elaborate how you upset about the incident and you are hurt because you consider her a good friend and do not want to damage the friendship. That should help keep her from catastrophizing the situation.

If you start watching her push/pull cycle, then you will be able to better identify her triggers and have better communication. I'm not sure if this helps, makes sense to you, but I hope you can work things out with your friend.

Thank you for this! I hadn't really thought about content - my thoughts were always about frequency. So you think perhaps if I talk about what I'm doing with other people it might make her feel bad? I know she envies my lifestyle and the amount of friends I have - maybe she feels like I'm rubbing it in her face if I talk about my social life?

I thought I had catastrophized the situation after the incident! Maybe we were both doing the same thing i.e. thinking each other was going to walk away from our friendship, but reacted in different ways. Me by saying too much and her by not saying enough... me pushing and her pulling away!

Thank you again

Frandom wrote:Thank you for this! I hadn't really thought about content - my thoughts were always about frequency. So you think perhaps if I talk about what I'm doing with other people it might make her feel bad? I know she envies my lifestyle and the amount of friends I have - maybe she feels like I'm rubbing it in her face if I talk about my social life?

I thought I had catastrophized the situation after the incident! Maybe we were both doing the same thing i.e. thinking each other was going to walk away from our friendship, but reacted in different ways. Me by saying too much and her by not saying enough... me pushing and her pulling away!

Thank you again

Yes, when you talk about your social life you are probably reminding her that she does not have that. She may even think your other friends are better than her,because she thinks that you do a ton of stuff with them.

It is possible that you both were over thinking the incident. There was one time when my friend texted me that she considered me her best friend, and I was a complete Jerk... I said "I don't have best friends". I did not mean to be a Jerk, but I had convinced myself that if I told her I felt the same way that she would turn around and say that she was joking. Maybe your friend had catastrophized the intial incident. If she was rude it could have been because she thought that response would prevent her from feeling rejected of ashamed.

Thank you, that does make some sense when I think about it.

Her initial reaction to me saying I was upset was defensive, not much of an apology, just that I was asking too much of her....

Is this a purely platonic friendship? Or is it more than that? If it's at all romantic then it has to be considered completely differently IMO.

I think her saying you are expecting too much is probably a sign that whatever you wanted is a trigger for her. I think she could have been defensive because she really did want to make you happy. Maybe next time ask her to elaborate on how it is too much, and what she feels is appropriate.

Wow! Seriously, you are such a considerate friend! As an avoidant, I've never had friends who would think of me that much and analyse me this way. They would just either bully me, ridicule me or abandon me. So thumbs up to you for making all these efforts for her. I think that she is lucky in a way.