Lifestyle secretiveness

I know that most Avoidants don't really like to tell anyone about their interests, tastes etc. (or lack thereof, in the case of being "found out"), out of fear of personal criticism, insults, or ridicule. This is also how I've been for ages to. I thought it would be a good idea to make a thread on your own experiences with this, whether or not you want to share some of your personal interests here, or just simply comment on how it has affected you. For me, I definitely think it's made the few friendships I have harder to build on, I mean even with my two closest friends (only ones I talk to on a regular basis) that I've known for 7 years I'm still reluctant to tell them some of my personal stuff, and no doubt this has some link to why I feel most of my friendships are quite 'weak'. It sucks because I want to build on them but I just... can't. The fear of being ridiculed/disapproved of etc. for my opinions or tastes, and having that information spread (I guess there's some mistrust to this), just prevents it. Usually if my friend who I'm talking to has the same interest/taste etc. I'll agree with him on my own liking of it, but sometimes even then I'll try to deny or hide it. When I think about how dumb it is that I can't just open up to them, it just makes the self-loathing worse.

More info on it:
I know a thread about secretiveness in Avoidants vs. Schizotypals was made a little while back and I think this article clears up some confusion about the underlying reasons for the secretiveness.
http://wesscholar.wesleyan.edu/cgi/view ... iv2facpubs

The third criterion, ‘shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed,’ is also driven by the fear of being criticized. Being avoidant means always being petrified about what is to them, ‘deep, dark, secrets’ that, if revealed, would almost certainly invite ridicule. Even a slight teasing might be perceived as humiliating. For these reasons, APD is often associated with a great deal of secretive behavior that is, for the most part, irrational, except for the fact that it brings a needed security even in the ‘closest’ relationships. In contrast, such restraint observed at the clinical surface with DSM-IV-TR ‘Cluster A’ (odd, eccentric)personality disorders such as schizoid, schizotypal, or paranoid, is better attributed to an indifference to intimacy (schizoid) or paranoid fears underlying secretive behavior (schizotypal and paranoid).

Sounds like fear of exposure, as you succinctly put with "fear of being found out".

Well, I don't have full-blown AVPD, but I do have traits (along with BPD), or an avoidant overlay, and I can relate to much of what you wrote. This, for example...

Auxiliary11 wrote:Usually if my friend who I'm talking to has the same interest/taste etc. I'll agree with him on my own liking of it, but sometimes even then I'll try to deny or hide it.

...sounds like you're trying to please the other person. Is it possible you're just being super-polite? I'm like that too, I'll nod and agree with others, even though secretly I disagree or wish they would STFU. It makes sense that you'd pretend to agree, or be super polite, if you're afraid of confrontation, rejection or the anger of others.

It's not so much about pleasing the other person exactly (I'm not up for being a doormat), but as you mentioned just to avoid any personal criticism or confrontation.

It's usually not about pretending to agree though, so long as I know the person well enough I can usually express disagreement, and if it comes to a conflict I just steer the conversation away from it because I...

NimplyDinply wrote:wish they would STFU

I'm the exact same way, for the exact same reasons. I will express disagreements if I know they won't flip a lid, otherwise I just smile and nod.

I actually brought that up with my therapist, and she said it's just me being polite and conscientious. I dunno, I'm INFP and I hear it's common among them. But yes, you're definitely not alone with that.

I hate when people ask about my interests because I draw a complete blank. Is sleeping with the covers over my head a legit answer?

NimplyDinply wrote:I actually brought that up with my therapist, and she said it's just me being polite and conscientious.

Maybe she was just being polite and conscientious.

OneRinger wrote:

NimplyDinply wrote:I actually brought that up with my therapist, and she said it's just me being polite and conscientious.

Maybe she was just being polite and conscientious.

lmfao