Can't self-diagnose, Can't reach out for help

@OP maybe your current psychologist does not have a lot if experience with personality disorders. To me it sounds like he really wants to help you with getting you through the process to get hormone treatment. Have you considered getting a second therapist? You could get one that specializes in personality disorders, but I would keep the first one in case the second cannot help you get the hormone treatment.

wow i did not expect this many replies and i expected more replies giving advice on how to reach out to a therapist..not replies telling me i can't have AVPD. i'm sorry for not specifying, but yes i was bullied a lot in school. once i started transitioning people avoided me (boys thought i was a lesbian so why bother talking to me, girls thought the same) but before that i was ridiculed by peers a lot. i had bad skin and was chubby and quiet and became a target for many years. even before i went to school, i moved into a neighborhood around the age of 4 and hung out with an older crowd there who teased me constantly until i cut all ties in 5th grade. peer rejection seems to be what caused my avoidant behavior idk ;; sorry again for not specifying.

my family is supportive of me overall so i know they didn't cause my avoidant behavior. and i know i'm young. and yes of course i don't actually WANT to have AVPD because it's absolute hell, just i show all the signs and that's why i want to talk to a therapist...but i'm too afraid of judgement to talk to a therapist about my feelings and tell my family there's enough wrong with me to get another therapist. i don't open up at all with my current one, so i'm afraid i'll freeze up and fall into the same pattern of purposefully filling up the hour session with nonsense talk of what chores and activities i did that week instead of anything that's actually bothering me. i'm sorry for showing up and looking like a self diagnoser i just don't know how to reach out for help and forums seem like a good outlet to help me get the support and confidence to finally talk to another therapist about this.

i'm not mad at any of you for being critical just maybe ask for more specific information before grilling me..

and you all gave really great advice, thank you so much for taking the take to help me it really means a lot ;;

Do you talk to your current therapist about the bullying you went through? Even if he won't give you a diagnosis it could help to discuss how the bullying effected you. It also might help to ask for advice on reading material. This does not have to be books about AvPD, but on how to get past bullying.

You are quite young, and can still make big changes to your life. Yes getting a label can help you justify why you are the way you are, but it can also hold you back from trying to change.

Hi, I will jump into the fray....

As with all internet message boards/ forums, it subject to individual opinions. Everyone's opinions and point of views is individual, it is not necessarily the consensus of everyone on this board.

I have posted on another thread about diagnosis - in fact I think that the name of the thread is 'diagnosis'. You may want to check that out, and I hope it is helpful.

To recap here though, there is a reluctance by the mental health community to label, so obtaining a diagnosis can be difficult. Instead the focus is on treatment. I think as a result they are many undiagnosed AvPD sufferers.

I understand the dangers of self diagnosis, and yes, it is to be discouraged. However, quite often a person knows themselves better than any medical professional and can judge from a little research whether AvPD is a good fit. This is not a diagnosis but an opinion.

If I'm right I in thinking, the OP was seeking advice how to broach the subject with a view to getting a diagnosis. So perhaps we should answer that point. My advice matches that of Unsocial Butterfly. Ask. Don't be ashamed. Explain why you think it's a good fit and why diagnosis is important to you.

Also, I'm sure that the mods will back me up on this, and perhaps insert a link, but this board is not just aimed at those with AvPD but also to those suffering with symptoms or similar traits.

If you were to exclude those without a formal diagnosis, then you will exclude me. I've been coming here for 18 months and its been an enormous help. I've even formed a few friendships on here. I also think that I've offered help, support and advice. I like to think that I'm accepted here and that my input is appreciated.

Whilst I appreciate that we cannot self diagnose as we are not subjective enough, we are definitely not in a position to diagnose one another when all you know is what is written in a post. A little hypercritical, don't you think?

My feeling, and it is a strong one, is that more tact and diplomacy can be applied. It's often not what we say, but how we say it. After all this is a site for people with mental, and sometimes emotional, issues. We need to deal with that in a careful and considered manner.

And if anyone wants to question my opinion that I have AvPD, I'm happy to talk you through my life. The suicide attempts, feeling of isolation, the childhood depression and abuse. I can tell you being thrown out in my pyjamas at two am by my father. Or his constant criticism and bullying. Or his physical violence, holding a carving knife to my throat when I was a child....I could go on.

I know my symptoms, I know the impact on my life. I know the crushing anxiety. Please do not tell me that what I can and can't have, instead listen to me, exchange ideas, allow me offer support and ideas to you.

Right... I'm sure that will come in for criticism, so be it. I'm off to put my soapbox away!!!

Actually there isn't a reluctance for the mental health community to diagnose, that's their job after all. When a psych says to you "I don't like to give a diagnosis" (ie do their job) that's code for "you don't have this, but I don't want to waste time on it, so lets move on to something that will actually help you."

Coddling people will never help them. Self-labeling yourself "AvPD" is never ever going to help you, because it will get you stuck in a mire. Acknowledging you have avoidant traits and figuring out how to work your life around them and learning better coping skills is awesome and brave and should be celebrated. Sticking a label on yourself that keeps you in a box is the opposite of those things.

So, again, back to my original point. If a doc won't diagnose you, then drop the quest for the label. Something is preventing you from getting a full diagnosis, and that's fine. That's great, actually. So stop spinning your tires. Get a list together of the traits and maladaptive coping techniques that are making your life miserable, and start working toward making them better.

If you insist on trying to get a diagnosis then you are wasting your life. The earlier you try to correct the problems the better off you will be. If you keep insisting that you have something that you don't have - for whatever reason, who cares where the line is that prevents a diagnosis - then you are using that as an excuse to not put in the work to get better.

I don't care if you think I lack tact. Enabling people is not an act of kindness. No one's saying "if you only have traits then get out of here." What I'm saying is, focus on what's important, work to make your life better. Don't waste your life trying to collect an alphabet soup string of diagnoses.

Are you capable of restraining yourself? Why do you always get into arguments with basically everyone?

The op was not interested in your advice, so let other people post in the thread.

I think that you do not want anyone else on this sub forum, because that would validate your irrational thought process.

Hi, and welcome. I came here a few days ago in a similar boat as you: currently seeing a therapist, having found that the symptoms of AvPD seem to match my symptoms disturbingly well, and being unsure of how to broach the subject with my therapist because I'm afraid of her thinking I'm a hypochondriac or self-diagnosing or whatever else pops into my mind.

First off, having the fear of posting anywhere being so fresh in my mind, I just wanted to give you a genuine pat on the back for reaching out and asking, because I know that I spent the time waiting for responses worried that people who call me a faker or melodramatic or something else negative, and it took me a bit to work up the courage to post in the first place. So having opened up and posted here is an accomplishment all its own. And I can only imagine that seeing responses where you're being grilled is scary (I know it would make me run and hide). But, like a previous poster said, this is a place where even people with avoidant symptoms should be able to get help and support, so I hope you stick around. Whether you're dealing with a case of AvPD, severe social anxiety, something else entirely, etc., I don't think it matters so much for purposes of sharing your experiences, asking for advice, and receiving any help anyone's willing to give.

I am a little disturbed that your therapist only seems to be focused on your trans situation. I have been battling depression since my teen years and found it impossible to get any doctor to believe there were physical issues that needed to be addressed... eventually a doctor took me seriously and realized I was also suffering from hypothyroidism. Sometimes doctors focus so much on one thing that they ignore everything else. I don't know if that's what's happening or if your therapist genuinely doesn't believe that you match the AvPD description, but I thought the suggestion of finding a second therapist who specializes in personality disorders was a great one. I hope that insurance/costs don't prohibit something like that (unfortunately, medical bills can be stupidly cost prohibitive). Maybe separating out the issues would be helpful.

I'd also suggest asking your therapist exactly why he/she doesn't think you meet the criteria. That answer could shed some light on whether they're focusing too much on one issue at the exclusion of everything else or whether there's a good reason. If there is a good reason, it might also be really useful to you insofar as understanding your own symptoms. And if there's not... well, then at least you know that it's a therapist issue.

I get that it's really difficult to push for a diagnosis. There's so much shaming in that respect and, especially being someone who avoids conflict, it becomes even harder to "demand" anything.

You actually believe a medical professional will use oblique comments or codes? Really????

If a mental health practitioner thinks someone doesn't have a condition surely it's easier to explain to that person why they doesn't have it. Actually it isn't ethical or helpful to avoid the issue.

If a mental health practitioner says they do not wish to label to avoid stigmatising then in the balance of probabilities, that is what they mean.

A person who is there to help is going to hint at you in code that you don't have a diagnosable condition? I don't accept it.

I'm astonished.

hi everyone. i think we can all agree that if i have avoidant tendencies that disrupt my life that i should reach out for help (to a professional) instead of letting negative thoughts swirl and these behaviors become more and more debilitating. what i think we're being caught up in is whether or not i think i definitely have AVPD and if i'm trying to self-diagnose and acquire a label just because?? i'm on the fence about self-diagnosis and personally, could never say i definitely had something without a professional's diagnosis. that's just how i am and i'm not trying to invalidate anyone's mental issues by saying that. between severe social anxiety, gender dysphoria, and depression that doesn't seem to go away, i have enough on my plate and don't want to add another issue..so no i'm not trying to search for reasons or ways to be seen as someone who has AVPD. but like i said, i haven't opened up to my therapist much. haven't said a word about past bullying, about avoiding everyone (the one conversation we had about avoidant tendencies was pushed into some counterproductive conversation about introversion and how it's alright to need down time in social situations which i'm well aware of..). to be completely honest...i think my therapist was more caught off guard more than anything because i rarely talk about my feelings in sessions and never have breakdowns where i cry like that. he made it clear that yes, i'm old enough to be diagnosed with a personality disorder but i'm also young and i can't be sure of anything now. he was vague and i think if he was sure i didn't have AVPD, he'd say that. i'm going to make a list of problematic behaviors i have tonight..and hopefully will get another session with my current therapist or find a new one. yes money is a little tight right now with my family but i have some $$$ saved up so if i gotta i'll spend that on a couple sessions. seriously, thank you everyone, i appreciate all the feedback. i'd obviously rather have just avoidant tendencies that can be managed and fixed with therapy than have AVPD just i came here because i know many of you are in a similar boat or have been before and i knew you guys would understand. thank you again guys, really ;;

I hope you get to a better situation, and you can always keep posting here.

I'm sorry that you thread was hijacked. We are having issues with that, but hopefully we will fix the problem soon.