Diagnosis

It ranges, from things like being left home alone when I was way too young (like... 3) and being picked up at school by a drunk parent who had no business behind the wheel of a car... to name calling, incessant teasing at school, family commentary about my appearance, generally having parents that didn't have a consistent presence in my life... to general sensitivity to anything negative. One of the biggest problems is that I have issues separating being justifiably angry and hurt from times when I'm projecting my own feelings of worthlessness onto what other people say or do. And I tend to swing between feeling like whatever the situation was was all my fault and RAGE.

The first example that comes to mind was that as an early teen there was never any food in the house to bring to school for lunch. I felt like I didn't have a right to bring that up or ask for there to be food stocked that I could bring with me, so I typically resorted to bringing like... a couple of slices of white bread. But I had an overall sense that asking for anything else would be making waves or that I was just lucky enough to have a (sort of) home so I should just keep my mouth shut. And, looking back on it, I still feel like that... except when my thoughts swing to the rage setting where all I can think is "how the **** does an adult not realize that there's no food in the house... why is that something I should have even had to ask for?" And I just feel like I'm going to explode.

But then I also wonder why I'm still stuck on something like that when it no longer exists in my life, but still can't shake all the emotions that come from it.


We've done a little work on redirecting my thoughts when the negative thoughts start up, but haven't really looked at the source yet. I've done a lot of talk therapy in the past without any real revelations other than that everything makes me feel horrible. Which is why I'm so hopeful about EMDR. At least it feels like DOING something.

Wow! You were definately not too sensitive. They put your life at risk, and were not providing for you. I would suggest listening to your therapist when she tells you something was abusive. I required a lot of reassurance when I first started, and I still require a bit. I actually went no contact with my father right after I started therapy.

I think the reassurance is so key, at least insofar as helping when I feel badly about feeling badly. And I'm really grateful for the suggestions and feedback you've given me. With Thanksgiving coming up next week, it probably isn't the best time to be visiting anyone with a book titled "Toxic Parents" (I'm sure THAT would start conversations I have no interest in having) but, after that, I plan on diving right into it.

Posting here has also, I think, given me the opening I need to at least broach the subject of diagnosis with my therapist without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. Because now I can tell her about this experience and request to discuss it.

You're welcome Good luck with the book...I would really recommend informing you therapist that you are reading toxic parents, because you might get a flood of emotions that you will really need to work on. Also, ignore the section on writing and sending a letter to your toxic parent....I would completely ignore that advice.

I think one reason they don't like to diagnose is that you can go to others and get different diagnoses. Go to 4 different shrinks and get 4 different diagnoses - it would not be unusual. But in order to get $ from insurance he has to give you some kind of diagnosis. It's on the paperwork he files with the insurance company.

I'm so torn between wanting to see all the notes she writes down during our sessions and not wanting to know what she's writing.

People never liked it when they saw their charts in the psych hospital. But it was really important to know in a situation like that. Interesting article here:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/07/0 ... -you/?_r=0

Parador wrote:I think one reason they don't like to diagnose is that you can go to others and get different diagnoses. Go to 4 different shrinks and get 4 different diagnoses - it would not be unusual. But in order to get $ from insurance he has to give you some kind of diagnosis. It's on the paperwork he files with the insurance company.

Here it's not so much about insurance- diagnosing happens within the public health system as much as within private practice. But I agree that you can go to different doctors and end up with a different diagnosis each time- I know I have. Mostly because of their inability to listen to what I am saying/them having insufficient knowledge to know what they're looking at. Or the bigger thing- they're trying to diagnose me after a single meeting. The most reliable diagnosis and one I agree with and trust is the one that's come from my therapist, who I've been seeing on a weekly basis for quite some time.

The other thing is that often a professional will withhold the diagnosis from you if they don't feel it's helpful for you to know. People can sometimes become more focused on their diagnosis, and perhaps sometimes dismissing/blaming their behaviours as "I'm just an AvPD'er" and perhaps getting stuck in an "I can't help it" attitude, rather than focusing on the issues that they need to be dealing with.

rosegold wrote:I'm so torn between wanting to see all the notes she writes down during our sessions and not wanting to know what she's writing.

I feel the same way too. Especially when I know he's sending a report back to my GP. The bigger thing for me- I want to know what conclusions he's drawn about what's going on for me, especially about my dissociative issues- it's one of my issues I question the validity of most.