I avoid

I don't have a diagnosis of AVPD, but I do have traits. I tend to avoid people because I'm both worried about how they're going to perceive me and worried that they're going to end up taking advantage of me. I've been taken advantage of a lot due to my kind nature and it's taken it's tole emotionally, to the point where now, I can't stand any pressure at all. I used to get nervous and back down, because I was afraid of confrontation, but that continually left me frustrated time and time again.

So recently, I've been standing up for myself more and setting boundaries. Hit and miss, but when it misses, I get really hurt and angry. I feel like if I tell someone to respect something and they say okay, then they do it again, even if they claim it's "accidental", I get suspicious of their motives and it's hard for me not to assume that they're taunting me. When that happens, I get angry and lash out and I know that when that happens, I can potentially seriously hurt someone emotionally or physically.

I can so relate...sometimes I get so mad I could bite my grandma. Yeah, you sure don't want to act on those urges.

There are some very good articles on the website of psych central (anything anxiety-related)...

Yes, me too, I can relate. You feel like lashing out is a bad option, but keeping this emotion within may be as damaging either. The best way is to try this emotion to go away or go for a walk. I don't know how to address it by talking to people, as they rarely tell you the truth, and when you see that, the negative emotion only grows.

Sure sounds like me. It's hard to admit sometimes but one of my major character flaws is my inability to handle situations well, due to being so unassertive, I'm more likely to react with anger to a some mistreatment or conflict than try to settle it calmly, although I do always try to settle it calmly first off, I just... can't.

HopelessRomantic wrote:The best way is to try this emotion to go away or go for a walk.

I've tried everything I can think of and nothing works. The thoughts just follow me and when I try to distract myself, I'm consciously aware of what I'm doing so it just feels silly.

The only way to fix the problem for me, is to change whatever it is that caused it. And if I can't do that, then there's no other option for me but to be miserable until I stop desiring what I want or I get it. I try to stay indoors when I'm upset because the smallest thing could set me off when I'm like that.

I don't know how to address it by talking to people, as they rarely tell you the truth, and when you see that, the negative emotion only grows.

That's why if I want the answer to something, I do my own research.

Contro wrote:I've tried everything I can think of and nothing works. The thoughts just follow me and when I try to distract myself, I'm consciously aware of what I'm doing so it just feels silly.

I'm having some good response in emotional regulation, using some exercises from a DBT book. With the idea that our emotions are valid, just over-intense - because of hypersensitivity. I've found that the intensity of my anger/hurt in response to a situation can be tamed from a tiger to a kitten. It results in less suffering for me (and others!). Radical acceptance was a difficult concept, but I'm getting it.

Anger is often a secondary emotion for me, altho it can come on so fast it can fool me. It's almost always preceded by hurt.

Hepzibah Pynchon wrote:Anger is often a secondary emotion for me, altho it can come on so fast it can fool me. It's almost always preceded by hurt.

Yes, me too. Anger has been my way of dealing with hurt.

Contro wrote:

HopelessRomantic wrote:The best way is to try this emotion to go away or go for a walk.

I've tried everything I can think of and nothing works. The thoughts just follow me and when I try to distract myself, I'm consciously aware of what I'm doing so it just feels silly.

The only way to fix the problem for me, is to change whatever it is that caused it. And if I can't do that, then there's no other option for me but to be miserable until I stop desiring what I want or I get it. I try to stay indoors when I'm upset because the smallest thing could set me off when I'm like that.

Dealing with my anger goes something like this:

Somebody says something that hurts my feelings and I get mad and feel the urge to say something hurtful back. I notice how tense I am. So I take some slow deep breaths and relax my body, paying particular attention to relaxing my face and hands. (So I don't have an angry expression, or nervous mannerisms.) My mind will follow the body and relax a bit too. This takes just a couple seconds if you practice "cued relaxation."

Then I use a coping thought. These are pre-planned thoughts - I have 5 or 6 on my "menu" to choose from. Say I use the coping thought, "millions of decisions have led up to this moment." Then my more rational thinking can kick in. I can consider that not only all MY emotional baggage and past history is contributing to the hurt/anger feelings, but also whoever is involved in whatever distressing situation is occurring. In other words, I acknowledge that my thinking may be skewed by avoidant tendencies. Which is not my fault, it's from how I was raised. And also acknowledge that other people may have problems of their own, maybe even worse, also not entirely THEIR own fault.

See, that's the thing. Emotions don't just spontaneously appear. They are preceded by thought. There are just 3 things we can control. Thoughts, emotions, and physical behavior.

By the time I've used cued relaxation and a coping thought (we're still talking only a few seconds here!) I'm already feeling less angry. Then I can think more rational thoughts, keeping things more in perspective. The end result has been, instead of getting increasingly angry and saying something hurtful (which would only make it worse for myself and any person involved); or using avoidant tactics, going home and ruminating for days, weeks, or months; I walk away from the situation feeling yes, still a little angry or annoyed, but under control. Hey, that hurt feeling at the root IS valid. But there's nothing I can do about what's happened in the past, only what's happening now.

There are some other little tricks I can use on the fly that help too, in the moment. Some distraction techniques that maybe aren't as helpful for you, as you said. Anyway, if all that fails me and I'm still feeling pretty pissed? I walk away. Since there are only 3 things I can really control, by changing one of those things (behavior: take a walk as HopelessRomantic suggests, relaxation techniques), or my thoughts (coping thought, rational thinking) - then my emotions change or at least lessen to the point they won't cause further suffering (the fallout from saying hurtful things, or rumination leading to depression).

I think it's well worth the time to learn these techniques, because they really seem effective. I've been this avoidant person since age 11 or so, 40+ years. I'm glad I've found something that helps.