Wrong friends

Hello.
I think I'm borderline avoidant so I'm writing here.
It's not that I don't have friends, it's the type of friends. The problem is that these friends are usually people who respond to me the best (don't reject me), and not people that actually match my personality or my interests or my values.
This, over time, leads to me compromising my values and personal beliefs for the sake of having friends, but this doesn't last that long because I can compromise values for so long before the dissatisfaction builds up and I end up in stupid arguments that cause the friendship to break apart. In a way, I break the friendship intentionally. After which I feel really sad and lonely for a while and the whole thing repeats a few months or years later.
Do you have any advice on how to break from this cycle ?

My advice would be, go to therapy to see why you do that. You can practice choosing instead of just accepting whatever is offered.

I don't have a choice, people don't like me. I have to be "friends" with hoever pays attention to me to not go into a deep depression.

Do you believe you are bordering on being avoidant, or a mix of borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder?

Taking on your friends interests and hobbies is more of a borderline trait. I am personally very stubborn on what I like. I would not be comfortable taking on other people's hobbies, because I would be inexperienced and embarrass myself.

Do you have issues with low self-esteem? I used to do what you're describing for that reason. It's never a good idea and, as you already know, it always ends badly. Keep in mind that you are not only being unfair/untrue to yourself, but someone else as well.

eofix wrote:I don't have a choice, people don't like me. I have to be "friends" with hoever pays attention to me to not go into a deep depression.

Are you sure this behavior isn't what's causing you to be depressed? As I said, I used to do this a lot of the time. I've even dated for that reason. These relationships were something to be endured, not enjoyed. They were stifling, frustrating and empty. In the long run, they made everything worse. And even worse than that, I believe they blinded me to the opportunities for real, satisfying friendships.

If you are able to find people who "respond to you" and "don't reject you" (two terms I used to use myself) that you don't care for, it's perfectly logical to assume that you can find people like this whom with you might actually want to be friends with. This could be scary or uncomfortable at first, depending on whatever issues you have, which is why I, too, would strongly recommend therapy. I have a hunch that you are not looking at yourself clearly.

Making friends is not about finding them, but recognizing them.

^ Whoa. Did that come out of me? damn, maybe there's hope for me after all.

Marcus555 wrote:If you are able to find people who "respond to you" and "don't reject you" (two terms I used to use myself) that you don't care for, it's perfectly logical to assume that you can find people like this whom with you might actually want to be friends with.

I am but it is very rare, maybe one or two of these in years. I've never seen a person that I could actually connect with. Each time it happens I'm afraid that I might die alone.
When I make a friend, they introduce me to their social circle, and when things fall apart a few years later, I lose the social circle and I become alone again.
Another thing is that people don't respect me in general because I don't stand up for myself (I'm afraid that they will leave me if I do), but when I'm finally tired of all of this and tell what is on my mind, they break contact with me.
As for self-esteem issues, yes I have them. On paper I'm more successful than most people around me (education, job), but I act like they are superior to me because they are more social than me and have other friends.

eofix wrote:As for self-esteem issues, yes I have them. On paper I'm more successful than most people around me (education, job), but I act like they are superior to me because they are more social than me and have other friends.

Low self-esteem really distorts the way you think of yourself in relation to others. Proof here is that what you wrote is ridiculous. You can't judge a person's worth by how social they are or by how many friends they have; by that logic one could assume some stupid, vapid nincompoop like, say, Kim Kardashian is some kind of supreme being. I used to think that way too. It's hard not to. But that's not the way it is.

I think, especially for avoidants, there is a difference between external self-esteem (being social, comfortably so, having lots of friends) and internal self-esteem. Saying " On paper I'm more successful than most people around me (education, job)" could be an example of internal self-esteem. (I don't know if these terms really exist, I just use them to make a point)

eofix wrote:Another thing is that people don't respect me in general because I don't stand up for myself (I'm afraid that they will leave me if I do)

I'm very familiar with this too. I would say this is basic AvPD-type thinking.

eofix wrote: but when I'm finally tired of all of this and tell what is on my mind, they break contact with me.

This not so much. I've frequently "made" friends, the false kind that this thread is about, but I'm too passive to end things even when I can't stand the relationship anymore. I pretty much never can say what's on my mind, especially if it's something negative or aggressive. I usually just drift away, stop returning calls, become more and more aloof until the person becomes frustrated enough to get the message. I break contact with them, but in a very passive-aggressive way.

I'm putting extra effort to stand up for myself but people are not used to it and I just get into conflicts.

I'm starting to think that I might not be necessary avoidant, because I don't really see myself as inferior as I see myself as someone who easily embarrasses themselves and makes others think less of me.
Also I had a period of my life where I was basically the most important person at my job, and since I had validation, I had a very high self-esteem, and I was an open person, social person. The majority of my friends are from this period.
This changes when I moved to a different, better job, where I'm not anything spectacular due to lack of experience. Now all of the symptoms are back.

eofix wrote:I'm putting extra effort to stand up for myself but people are not used to it and I just get into conflicts.

There is something troublesome about this comment. Standing up for yourself shouldn't result in conflict. Not if you are doing it right. I'm not one to talk, since I don't stand up for myself as much as I should, but as far as what you've been saying, there seems to be something missing from the equation. I still think talking to someone would be a good idea. Especially if you've never seen a mental health professional. You may get some feedback that would act as a good starting point to better understanding yourself and whatever issues you are having. Right now, you sound like you are on a treadmill, getting nowhere. If you feel like you're in a mental/behavioral rut and something needs to change, seeing a doctor or therapist should be #1 on your list.