making it work

Yes, especially since they aren't polyamorous, she just decided to try it on. It's a way to have your cake and eat it too, to have an affair without feeling guilty for it.

Here's the check to see if that's true or not - did you go on group dates together? Or did you keep your side action completely away from your boyfriend?

If you all met up and it was completely open, that's a sign of true polyamory. If you kept everyone separate and would die over the idea of them meeting each other, that's having an affair.

And to be clear - AvPD is a condition that requires a genetic predisposition and a child abuse trigger. It's not some joyous alternative lifestyle to be celebrated. It's also not a choice. Screwing around, with "permission" or not, is a complete world away from AvPD. Kindly show some respect. Maybe then you'll earn some in return.

Hepzibah Pynchon wrote:

schnitzel wrote:

I love my boyfriend (been together for 15yrs), but something told me that I'd have to reach outside of our relationship for the most basic human needs to bet met.

Just my opinion, but I think this statement is your answer. Especially since that poly-thing probably did more harm than good (just my guess, having avoidant tendencies myself). It would gut me.

I'm sure it did harm him, probably made him feel like I failure.

The last time I dated someone else was in 2009. I saw what it was doing to his fragile ego so I made it a goal to work on us first. He had continued to pursue people even at the most inopportune times, but hey, I asked for it . He told me there were feelings for a coworker (someone I knew), they were meeting regularly for lunch, and made plans outside of the workplace. I told him go for it. His response, "you're just jealous" ??? Not so much, though.

Things never took off. But in the weirdest twist of fate this coworker just recently moved down the street, so I had a little chat with her. When I asked her why she got his hopes up, she was very surprised. She told me that she could'nt have possibly known that he had feelings for her because it didn't show. I was actually very hurt by what she said. Perhaps that is weird, but I was hurt because felt as though he had strong feelings for her and she may have been stringing him along. I dunno.

Have you tried couples therapy? If you want to make it work that seems like it's a required step.

Otherwise I agree with inverse. If this guy is a diagnosed AVPD (and if you said he was diagnosed and I missed it I apologize) you either have to accept him as he is or move on. He won't break if you leave, I promise you that.

You can't change him and you can't fix him. He has to decide to get help for himself without your input. Period.

I left somebody I cared a great deal about because his actions always left me frustrated and unhappy. I finally realized I couldn't change him, I wasn't happy, and I needed to leave. It was the right thing to do, I promise you that.

I wish you luck.

I read your post from another thread, and he does not sound avoidant at all unless there are other behaviours that you have not mentioned. From what you posted he sounds abusive, and that he has been this way since high school. If you want to try and save the relationship than I would recommend trying to convince him to go to therapy.

I think him saying that he is avoidant was an excuse to get you to stopping questioning him, because he seems to have no harm hurting you in order to see his friends.

skyflyz wrote:Have you tried couples therapy?

Yes and I ended up going on my own. I also ended up seeing someone for my own issues. He saw me getting better and that freaked him out, and cray me, I stopped going. I am scheduled to start sessions again next week.

skyflyz wrote: I left somebody I cared a great deal about because his actions always left me frustrated and unhappy. I finally realized I couldn't change him, I wasn't happy, and I needed to leave. It was the right thing to do, I promise you that.

You are definitely a strong person for doing that! I hope to do the same. It just sucks because we have a beautiful child together. But she needs a strong parent in order to navigate life so I must do this for myself, and for her as well. Thank you!

Unsocial Butterfly wrote:I read your post from another thread, and he does not sound avoidant at all unless there are other behaviours that you have not mentioned.

Well my daughter and I stopped by to see him at work this afternoon. He works with retail/grocers, so a lot of socializing with the public is required. He had covered his entire face and was wearing shades. My daughter was terrified! I didn't think he would behave this way at his job, although he has been doing this more or less in public. I recently read a post in this forum that this is something an avoidant would possibly do.

Unsocial Butterfly wrote:From what you posted he sounds abusive, and that he has been this way since high school.

You're right, he is abusive.

Unsocial Butterfly wrote: I think him saying that he is avoidant was an excuse to get you to stopping questioning him, because he seems to have no harm hurting you in order to see his friends.

Bingo!

But, back in high school, I volunteered as an aid to an instructor who also worked with students' health records. She once asked me if I loved him and sent me with a file to another dept. It was as if she was telling me something because that file was his. I cracked it open and part of it said extremely shy. I didn't want to read anymore, so I didn't. Perhaps that folder actually had a diagnosis and may have contained some things that would have scared me off. Who knows.

I wear sunglasses when it is socially acceptable, but I have never covered my face. That would draw more attention to me, which is exactly what I do not want.

Was it this file from high school that made you believe that he is avoidant? Or, have there been more psychological files that you have seen that say he has avid? It is possible that he has traits of several disorders.

Being shy does NOT mean that someone is avoidant.

I am so sick of people using PD's as an excuse for abhorrent abusive behavior. And you need to grow a pair, chickie. Using your child as an excuse to leave, using your child as an excuse to stay, while you're screwing around on the side.

You have not said one positive thing that might be a reason to try to stay with this guy. What you are doing is a really good job of is painting avoidant people as evil, because you keep saying "he's avoidant, and he does this" when all the things you're talking about are not avoidant traits. Here's the link to the DSM-V - educate yourself:
http://www.psi.uba.ar/academica/carrerasdegrado/psicologia/sitios_catedras/practicas_profesionales/820_clinica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf
Stop making assumptions about what AvPD is. You're bashing actual avoidant people by aligning us with your horrible boyfriend. Knock it off.

Unsocial Butterfly wrote:I wear sunglasses when it is socially acceptable, but I have never covered my face. That would draw more attention to me, which is exactly what I do not want.

I completely agree with this. The very last thing a person who HATES the spotlight wants to do is draw attention to themselves, which is what covering your face would do.

inverse wrote:Being shy does NOT mean that someone is avoidant.

I am so sick of people using PD's as an excuse for abhorrent abusive behavior. And you need to grow a pair, chickie. Using your child as an excuse to leave, using your child as an excuse to stay, while you're screwing around on the side.

You have not said one positive thing that might be a reason to try to stay with this guy. What you are doing is a really good job of is painting avoidant people as evil, because you keep saying "he's avoidant, and he does this" when all the things you're talking about are not avoidant traits. Here's the link to the DSM-V - educate yourself:
http://www.psi.uba.ar/academica/carrerasdegrado/psicologia/sitios_catedras/practicas_profesionales/820_clinica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf
Stop making assumptions about what AvPD is. You're bashing actual avoidant people by aligning us with your horrible boyfriend. Knock it off.

I am not bashing AVPD people. But I notice that you've also accused someone else of the same thing on another thread. Please have some compassion, as we come here not to bash you or anyone else, but to gain some understanding. To which I have over the last few days of being on here.