making it work

This will be my first personal post on here and I thought a good question to ask is "how have you and your significant others make it work?" I've read that it takes extraordinary persons to stay in a relationship when either party is an avie. I wouldn't say that I am extraordinary but the unique circumstance that my partner and I have found ourselves in is.

I love my boyfriend (been together for 15yrs), but something told me that I'd have to reach outside of our relationship for the most basic human needs to bet met. So we tried entertaining the possibilities of having an honest, open polyamorous relationship. My mistake I suppose. I encouraged him to seek fulfilling relationships, those that would possibly help him with his avoidant tendencies. Despite having his blessing, he resorted to various passive aggressive ways to sabotage the relationships that came my way. Sometimes I would "fix" him up with ladies that knew us, to no avail. It didn't occur to me at this time that he was suffering from an actual clinically diagnosed disorder. Just thought I hogged up too much of his childhood years that he knew nothing else about love (and sex). It also didn't occur to me that he may have been less than ok about this polyamory thing and that when he said he met someone else, he was lying.

The thing is, we aren't getting any younger, and we are seeing many of our friends moving in the greater direction of courage and settling down, getting married, having kids. I've questioned the institution of marriage and monogamy enough but I'm wondering if my complacency enables him to continue his neglectful and avoidant behavior.

Has anyone resorted to unconventional alternatives to try to make things work? I guess for those who are in. noncasual relationships?

Avoidance is not neglectful. If he is avoidant, then I'm sure he's giving you all he is capable of, and he'll never be able to give you any more. If you are dissatisfied with your relationship, after all this time, you should know it's not going to change. Move on or accept it as it is, but don't blame him for you settling. I'd say, since you're so unsatisfied that you've been looking outside of the relationship already, that you know that's what you need to do.

I would have to disagree with you. Avoidance, in its definition, is a form of neglect. I am sure you have come across the Out of the FOG site which has an extensive list of the characteristics avoidant personalities tend to display. Among them, is neglect. Nonetheless, the site cautions that all avies are unique, therefore will exhibit different traits. The man I live with is neglectful when he feels that the pressure is too much.

He loves our daughter, but I'm afraid that he feels that he is somehow unworthy to parent and receive love from her. As a result, he has left us on many occasions to return and say that he could've stayed away forever. When I was still pregnant, he refused to walk into the building where the nurse would reveal her heartbeat to us. He was so overwhelmed, the nurse had to call him on the phone to share in the moment, despite being within arms reach. I remember seeing the back of his head out the window of the room I was in. When I went into labor, he balled up into a fetal position and said he was too tired to attend the birth. After mustering up all the courage to come, he broke down in tears when he saw our baby.

He's a great person, but his condition makes him prone to negligence. And you're right, there has been no change on his part. All the changing and compromise has come from my end, at great costs.

He's an AVPD and he in a relationship; hurray! lets have a party! except all the AVPD's never showed up; they all hid!

Sorry; just a little AVPD jobbing and joking!

Has he been diagnosed AVPD!

AVPD's are sensitive people! very sensitive! their like lost little children who need to be held! they have a hard time reaching out to others to explain they need to be held!

Its horribly hard to reach out! one expects the other to reach out and me to receive! and its just like this all the time!

It might feel like neglect from you, but it's definitely not. And out of the fog plays fast and loose with the definition of what avoidance is. If you really want to learn about it, look up the DSM V.

Look at what you've driven this poor man to. He's so beyond the limits of what he's capable of, for you, and you are so unappreciative of it.

Try for once to stop being so self-centered and think about it from his perspective. He missed that appointment with you. He was there but couldn't go into the building. How do you think he felt? Really. Stop with the "I'm so disappointed he didn't show up" act. Because he did. Clearly it was beyond difficult to go there, I'm sure you badgered him into it, I'm sure that he felt like he was missing out on a huge important thing. And are you sympathetic at all? Nope.

He's not enough for you. You want more than what he can give you even when he's gone completely beyond what he's capable of. Think of the stress he was under to be curled up in the fetal position. Do you think he did that for fun? Is that how "tired" people actually act?

He can't be what you want him to be. Period. You either have to accept him for who he is, and stop selfishly demanding that he become something he's not capable of, or leave. Tigers don't change their stripes. I don't know exactly what is going on with him and his diagnosis. Doesn't matter. You can't force someone to be something they are not. Accept him or leave, those are your options. Time for you to grow up and face reality.

Inverse it seems that you are taking my posts to heart. You have to understand that I cannot speak for him, but can only give you how I've felt. I usually have to play detective to find out how he feels because he may say one thing and do another and it's when it's too late that I find out there was something wrong. It's been really rough for all of us. It's too bad that I cannot persuade you in that I'm one of the most selfless, patient, and understanding people you could ever meet. If it weren't the case, I suppose I wouldn't be here. This is me trying to understand AVPD without pressuring him.

The reason we have stayed together this long is because I see that he suffers a great deal and I couldn't possibly add insult to injury for something his upbringing has caused.

I did not badger him at all throughout my pregnancy nor after because there was someone more innocent and vulnerable than the both of us which required our attention. Pregnancy requires a sort of serenity in order to create a child that is not anxious. You understand? So I have been very patient and have tried to see things from his point of view but it's hard.

And to show up as a parent is like a big deal. I was proud to see him come along as it took courage. But our child doesn't deserve to be marginalized because of AVPD. Now that is selfish.

Okay then you have your answer. Leave him.
Though you already did when you started seeing other people.
You don't really think that made you noble, do you? Screwing around under his nose.
Are you looking for a magic cure? Something you can tell him that will make him smarten up?
It's not going to happen.
And you're not getting martyr points for staying with him, not when you don't accept him for who he is.
Now you're using your child as an excuse to get away from him - and that's sick.
As a parent, I'm telling you, that's sick.
Just leave him if you can't tolerate it any more.

OMNICELL wrote:He's an AVPD and he in a relationship; hurray! lets have a party! except all the AVPD's never showed up; they all hid!

Sorry; just a little AVPD jobbing and joking!

Has he been diagnosed AVPD!

AVPD's are sensitive people! very sensitive! their like lost little children who need to be held! they have a hard time reaching out to others to explain they need to be held!

Its horribly hard to reach out! one expects the other to reach out and me to receive! and its just like this all the time!

OMNICELL wrote:He's an AVPD and he in a relationship; hurray! lets have a party! except all the AVPD's never showed up; they all hid!

Sorry; just a little AVPD jobbing and joking!

Has he been diagnosed AVPD!

AVPD's are sensitive people! very sensitive! their like lost little children who need to be held! they have a hard time reaching out to others to explain they need to be held!

Its horribly hard to reach out! one expects the other to reach out and me to receive! and its just like this all the time!

Thank you, OMNICELL. Joke well taken! It's funny you say this because when I met his family for he first time, I was a party and everyone was surprised. I didn't get it at the time because he was always the sweetest and cutest guy in the neighborhood. Of course he would have a girlfriend, I thought.

And I see the lost child in him when I look at him. I just want to hold him and tell him that things will be safe with me but the world is too cruel to assure him of that. And he has a way of pushing me away when it seems like I'm being to mushy. I myself am very sensitive and have a hard time coping with life so it must be 100x as hard for him.

Thanks again!

Never have been dishonest about it. Polyamory is not to be confused with cheating, swinging, or serial monogamy. But, yes, there are people that do say they're poly as an excuse to get away with cheating and such.

I remember hearing from somewhere a saying that I've taken with me in life. Something to the effect of people often approach relationships where each person is locked in their partner's gaze and embrace, facing one another. But relationships would be most satisfying should they be both facing the world together. That isn't so bad is it?

Life takes many forms and so do the styles of relating. I'd say our ability for artistic expression as humans has made us so creative in comparison to other species that we have found many ways to make things work. If this were not true, I suppose many people would be lonely.

Would you agree that AVPD makes you pretty unique? Society often makes it hard for those with AVPD to even have a satisfying life because of rigid beliefs that things should be this way or that. So I'd rather not go there.

schnitzel wrote:

I love my boyfriend (been together for 15yrs), but something told me that I'd have to reach outside of our relationship for the most basic human needs to bet met.

Just my opinion, but I think this statement is your answer. Especially since that poly-thing probably did more harm than good (just my guess, having avoidant tendencies myself). It would gut me.