Over-analyzing past events

I guess I don't have that strong of a feeling that I repulse everyone-- but I can't get over the fact that I feel like nobody is really going to care about me for who I am. My self esteem is intact, but my trust level and ease with others is not normal....

So I don't try, because finding out someone doesn't care is too tough. I like to blame it on my dysfunctional parents and lack of a normal childhood-- I could not trust them to properly care for me-- and had to grow up way too fast and be a parent to my mom, and forget about my dad giving up his rights to see me at age 9--- but I am way too old to let that hold me back!

Quite the conundrum that a reasonable person should be able to figure out. But I guess that is what makes me Avoidant. UGH!!

Are you diagnosed by a doctor? Because that doesn't sound avoidant at all. Which is awesome! That means you have tons more opportunity for growth and change. If you self-diagnosed, go further than that. Don't limit yourself by clinging to a label. Keep talking here - I'm sure you'll find help dealing with your avoidant traits if that's what you have. But don't settle for a half life if you can have the whole enchilada.

FragranceOfLilac wrote:For me it's a bit different. Rather than thinking "how could you say THAT" or "no normal person would say THIS", I don't know what I did wrong. I think if I ever knew what it was that I said that was stupid, it would be easier, it could be fixable, but instead I feel a general feeling that everything I say or do is regarded by others as stupid and revolting.

So for me analyzing looks like: dammit, surely they think I was talking stupidly a minute ago! *feels intense shame* Surely they're disgusted!

Yes, sometimes I experience this variant too. (Even if I know it is just a reflexion of the unjusticeful judging I had gotten from people who were - and still are - important for me.) Like "there is no rational explanation needed - you cannot say anything that would not sound stupid! How could you think that you have ANY chances to not make them disgusted? Go kill yourself, to make the world a better place!"

inverse wrote:Are you diagnosed by a doctor? Because that doesn't sound avoidant at all. Which is awesome! That means you have tons more opportunity for growth and change. If you self-diagnosed, go further than that. Don't limit yourself by clinging to a label. Keep talking here - I'm sure you'll find help dealing with your avoidant traits if that's what you have. But don't settle for a half life if you can have the whole enchilada.

I haven't been on here in a while because I was doing better and getting really busy with life-- but then life dealt me a sucker punch in the gut when I tried to reach out to my brother.

For some reason since we have been adults- he has been extremely difficult to get close to-- and he makes me feel like I have to constantly apologize for bothering him-- and I have no idea why he acts that way.

Our last visit together was 18 months ago and we generally only see each other once every 1.5-3 years even though we live 8 hours apart.... He is always, constantly angry about something that frustrates him so I guess I shouldn't take it personally when it seems he is incessantly frustrated with me.... But when I practically beg him to bring his family to visit-- he doesn't respond, or says he is too busy, but then I find out that he is travelling 12 hours to see my half-brother, his wife and their two boys along with my biological father.

If I were to bring this up to him as something that really hurts me-- he will blow up at me on how ridiculous that is-- and how he doesn't feel the need to talk or visit often and I shouldn't push him to do it more.

His wife has made several inferences on how they cannot afford to travel to visit-- so once I did give her gas money.... but then I felt like that is not right and I didn't want to "buy" their time, when they choose to travel other places without anyone footing the bill.

If I decide to go and spend time near them to visit... I feel like it will be met with a cold shoulder and indifference-- so I met them halfway 18 months ago-- and it ended up OK.

It is a part of my issue that I want to talk everything to death until I get someone to see my point of view, but this would definitely not help. I feel like I am stuck and torn between not caring anymore and letting him and his family go vs. continuing to try and call and talk to him about re-connecting our relationship.

@inverse

I just wanted to say that I made a friend today because of your post.

You saying that you've lost relationships because of misanalyzing past events made me realize someone in my life that I was lucky to have relentlessly want to be my friend. I do that with her all the time, and she sticks by me. I was honest with her-- I told her that the terms of being my friend entailed that the fact is that a severe betrayal of my trust has been known to lead to suicide attempts in the past, and I could not promise that it wouldn't happen again. She said she understood those terms and still wanted to be friends. I will now finally count her as my friend.

Just registered to say thank you.