AvPD and romantic relationships

Are people with AvPD unable to establish lasting romantic relationships? Do you think that they can be loved for who they are? I used to believe that it is possible, but as I go through life, I think that my inability to form romantic relationships is due to my AvPD, that sometimes people see that something is off and don't want to get involved with me. Is the inability to form romantic relationships part of AvPD? Maybe that is for all people with personality disorders.

I guess it varies from person to person. But lets say that even many full blown schizophrenics are married.

Schizophrenics are in the low end of the schizotypy while avoidants are more close to healthy introversion, but usually they do suffer from mosr of the symptons of avoidant, schizoid and schizotypal PDs.

I think yes, absolutely, "avoidants" can have romantic relationships. One of the hallmarks of AvPD after all is how devoted they are, and how much they will take before severing any relationship.

However, I think it's individual. There are degrees of this disorder. Me, I can't stand the idea of making plans with anyone. I'm kind of okay if I just run into someone, because I don't have a chance to get anxious about it. But to plan to meet someone - no way. If I could do it, I would be a basket case. Which means, I can't even date someone. Like, no dates ever. If you can't date, you can't have a romantic relationship.

That's just basic ability, that's not including the black mark I have. I think I'm kind of an extreme case, though, when it comes to the black mark. I think most avoidants can have interpersonal relationships of all sorts. For me, it doesn't matter how perfect I am, I burn people out. Perhaps I'm "too intense" or whatever. But - that's necessary to maintain a relationship, you have to go all in and let it be important to you. So that makes no sense when I break it down.

I'm rambling. In a nutshell, yes, avoidants can have relationships, but individual variants might leave one person out in the cold.

What happens in your relationships? Why do they end?

Mine, in the past, have died a slow death because I was unable to pull the trigger. I've ended almost all of mine, usually when marriage is suggested. lol For me, I get devoted to someone without really looking at every aspect of them until it gets out of control and then I have to recognize what isn't working, where I ignored it before. But then again, I've had it drilled into my head that I have no right to choose, and I'm such a nobody that I better jump at any chance that comes along, because there probably won't be another one.

Can you do that? Can you do an accurate postmortem?

I like the idea of it being on a spectrum; high-functioning ones could probably have success, but for low-functioning ones it would be much harder, but still possible. I read somewhere that avoidants sort of test potential partners though a series of 'stages' to see if they can trust them to let them into their inner life, and this is how I feel. I also read that they have limited capacity for relationships because they have less 'energy' to deal with people.

I don't think people in the 'regular population' can really understand this, even shy adults can form relationships with only a little more trouble that someone who isn't. And for people with social anxiety alone, it's mainly performance-based situations like dating. Even if you have a socially anxious, shy person, they can still have fairly healthy interpersonal relationships. I just don't relate to this at all, if I was to tell someone, say a friend, about my difficulty with forming relationships, they just wouldn't understand. Funny thing is though, I would never tell them this, because I know they wouldn't understand and they may think badly of me because of it, just goes to show how much those with AvPD differ. Self-esteem plays a big part too, it doesn't matter if the other person really, genuinely likes their partner, because that belief doesn't lie within themselves.

I'm thinking that if the other person was sort of shy it would work out better, but if they were too shy and inhibited it would just never work out, same as if they were gregarious, that would never work either. I mean shyness isn't exactly seen as a positive quality in males, it puts people off because they sense the discomfort through body language, and this is just one of the things that makes me feel inferior to others, they always "have something I don't".

HopelessRomantic wrote:Are people with AvPD unable to establish lasting romantic relationships? Do you think that they can be loved for who they are? I used to believe that it is possible, but as I go through life, I think that my inability to form romantic relationships is due to my AvPD, that sometimes people see that something is off and don't want to get involved with me. Is the inability to form romantic relationships part of AvPD? Maybe that is for all people with personality disorders.

The problem someone with AvPD has isn't nurturing love for someone, as they are capable of extremely loyalty and complete devotion.

The problem with AvPD is starting, finding, or even trying to seek out a relationship, let alone one that will actually find someone who will be true to you. For some, AvPD's innate lack of strength and confidence can put others on edge, too.

It's unfortunate, but AvPD is definitely capable of romantic relationships.

Auxiliary11 wrote:I like the idea of it being on a spectrum; high-functioning ones could probably have success, but for low-functioning ones it would be much harder, but still possible.

I guess it would depend on what's being called high functioning/low functioning. I've often considered that I was fairly high functioning given I've held a steady job for some time (even though I've just recently reduced my hours because I got disability), that I manage to go out of the house and get through things like shopping or travelling somewhere accompanied by someone else and joining in a group class at the gym. However, I fail totally on the relationships side of things- it's totally beyond me and the idea of being in a relationship with someone sends me into a spin. I definitely test people with what I share with them, but there's nothing romantic about the relationships. They're friendships held at arm's length.

But then I think everyone's avoidance is a little different- all shaped by our own experiences. I have no doubt that others can have relationships. Perhaps there's things I do that they can't and vice versa.

I thought I was medium-functioning because I was able to attend college, but besides that I wouldn't really do anything else. Seems more accurate that I'm actually low-functioning though, social situations are difficult and very limiting, but relationships are even harder still. True, that it is shaped by our own experiences...

HopelessRomantic wrote:Are people with AvPD unable to establish lasting romantic relationships?

I can't even do a chick unless she's a hooker.

Parador wrote:

HopelessRomantic wrote:Are people with AvPD unable to establish lasting romantic relationships?

I can't even do a chick unless she's a hooker.

Why? Or I guess I should be saying I don't exactly know how to take this.. ? I'm wondering about your thought process.

I don't feel it's impossible for Avoidants to be in a long term relationship, but let's consider a few things to put this into perspective...

Relationships amongst "normal", non-disordered partners have a high failure rate. The divorce rate is over 50%. it's not so smooth and easy for the apparent non-disordered either.

Relationships will always be about acceptance of personality characteristics, the ability to establish trust and rules thst both partners can abide by. When things aren't working, their needs to be an accepted process for a couple to sit down and come to terms with how the treat each other.

It's understood that people of nearly equal emotional intelligence will be attracted to each other. If that's the case, and both partners realize that they face some challenges that will make it difficult for them not to hurt each others feelings, it would be wise to have a counselor that understands the complexities of personality disorders, that both partners agree to work with. This would require a good level of trust for all involved.

Some married couples survive by the least dysfunctional being capable realizing and accepting that their partner has insurmountable issues. They get their needs met however they can, realizing their beloved partner is incapable of doing so. They carry a disproportionate amount of responsibility in order to sustain the relationship. Not many are capable, hence the high failure rate...but it does happen rarely.

There's little point in trying to be with someone relatively normal and think that all is going to work out because they are going to figure out sooner or later that there is something askew. It's unlikely a "normal" personality will begin a longterm relationship with disordered personality. Odds are people that are attracted to us, and we to them, are going to be somewhat disordered or mentally dysfunctional in some way. How capable both partners are of communicating and taking action to resolve conflicts, while still enjoying each others company in most situations is key...it's the same thing that "normals" do to sustain a relationship, but we need more help.

There are going to be those of us who do not have the capacity to sustain a longterm relationship. If it's not possible because it's just too hard to do, then we can be depressed, we can try to change some characteristics and try to manage our behavior, we can accept our condition and work on continuing on in life without a partner. There is such an accepted norm that we are not complete without a partner, but that's a misconception. Our condition is natural and in place for a reason and we can be ok as we are. There is no "Normal" there is only what each of us can do to change within reason and accept the remainder.