Avoidant, Paranoid, Schizoid or the 3 of them?

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum and I'm sorry if this post is a bit too long but I would really appreciate if you could read the whole thing because I'm in desperate need of advice.

My first trip to the psychiatrist was when I was 4 (my parents took me of course). My mother now says that they took me because I was very bright for my age and I preferred reading books to being around my peers. They kept taking me till I was 12. Now my mother says the psychiatrist conclusion was (after 8 years!) that I would probably make a good scientist but I would never be a sportsman (how's that for a diagnosis ). I have no recollection of any of those visits to the psyc whatsoever. I also happen to be gay, so I've always had a hunch that they were taking me because they were starting to notice something was not right in that sense (that was in the early 70's).

Well, to make a long story short, I made it through the educational system always being in the TOP 3 of my class till I graduated from university, but being increasingly withdrawn and asocial and with no desire for social relationships (to the point that they used to call me "the one who feeds on silence"). I always had 1 or 2 friends at most, but I absolutely didn't care about anybody else. I was very happy with my solitude except for the being bullied part that was not that severe during my school years after all.

After finishing university I suffered sort of a breakdown. I couldn't sleep at all and had to go to the psychiatrist again. With the help of some medication (benzodiazepines and amobarbital) and some psychological talk I recovered and was able to enter the world of work. I always had very good results at work but never got along very well with people there. I'm able to work with any type of personality ('disordered' or otherwise), but they (in general) don't seem to be comfortable working with me. I'm aware that I can be perfectionistic and have very high standards for me and others. In spite of that, my results were very good and I was chosen to work for an important project abroad and remained there for about 8 years (alternating between one place and the other).

When I definitely returned things started to get really creepy. I had some family issues at the time (My mother and I had to take care of my ill grandmother till she passed away, for about a year and a half). At work, I was appointed to a supposedly important project that took me about a year to complete and when I was done they told me they weren't going to use the results ( ) because if I went away again there was nobody to give maintenance to the system. At the same time there was a person constantly calling me home telling me that they wanted to steal all the credit for my work and all the things they were talking behind my back, etc. I was unable to cope with the stress and suddenly started with bouts of diarrhea that were later diagnosed as Celiac Disease and also developed some other serious health issues. Seeing how my health was disintegrating I was desperate and went to a psychiatrist looking for help. After listening to the whole story this is what she told me: you're not going to like what I'm going to tell you but you are a typical case of paranoid personality disorder.

I was so shocked and felt so helpless, guilty and betrayed that I left the psyc office wishing I was dead. Then I thought: ok, enough is enough, they've won. I have to take some time now to try to get my health back and try to regain control of my life. I requested a transfer to another department and have kept a low profile for about 6 years. My diarrhea is now gone (I have a very strict gluten free diet) and all health issues under control. I've devoted all this time to heal both physically and emotionally (very difficult!) and learn a couple of new job related skills that might be useful in the future. I started with a new psychologist and told her I didn't need a diagnosis I just needed to be helped (I haven't quite recovered from the paranoid label yet). But I can't stop wondering what's wrong with me and what can I do to avoid similar horror stories in the future. Sometimes I think I'm avoidant (I'm very anxious socially) but also schizoid (i have no interest in people) and maybe even paranoid???? Help!!!!

Thanks for reading

Hi there

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with things.

No one here is able to diagnose you- only a professional can do that.

I'm confused. You mention that you said to your psychologist that you didn't need a diagnosis- but you're asking for one here? Being given a label doesn't mean that it has to define you. It's a way of describing what's going on for you. What does the new psychologist think?

Hey there.

Like lily said, we can't diagnose you here, wouldn't be possible. Internet and we aren't doctors and so on.

I think what your psychologist is trying to say, though, is that you should focus more on trying to tackle your issues (in any way possible within any time frame that you are comfortable with) instead of sticking a label on what you're dealing with. I know it can be reassuring in some ways to have a name on whatever you're dealing with, but it kind of diverts you from your primary concern, which is to address what is causing you distress.

The thing is, you can have X and have a lot more going on. I speak from personal experience here. I had bouts where I was paranoid, others where I didn't want to be with other people anymore. Ups and downs. Even moments where I thought I was hallucinating and going nuts (which isn't the case, yet). But after talking to my psychiatrist about it, all of those things can just be side effects of stress and depression, they aren't additional labels and like you, I was told to concentrate on trying to fix stuff, little by little, instead of trying to find some new exotic disease to put on me as a label. It can be tempting to do that, but it's like giving into the feeling that "I'm screwed up" I think.

That sounds awful You've been through a lot.

Well, I recently found out about a term called "social anhedonia"; which basically means, for one reason or another, you find little pleasure in social contact/relations. I think this may explain the schzoid-like behavior. And it runs on a scale so you can have different degrees of it. It's present in various conditions including social anxiety and depression. Apparently it's also present in schizophrenia-spectrum disorders (which includes PPD). This is just what I've read though so you may want to look it up yourself.

So if you don't enjoy social contact, it makes sense that you would become asocial/schizoid-like. Just an observation.

First I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to reply. I know you are not trained professionals and can't diagnose anyone. And I also know it may seem contradictory that I don't want a label (reminding me all the time that my personality is 'disordered'), but at the same time I'm curious to know about other people's experiences even when there may be a label(s) involved.

The new psychologist told me that I was feeling guilty all the time for not fulfilling other people's expectations socially and that had to stop. That I was who I was and that was not going to change, so I had to start feeling good about myself and forget about what people might think. I really feel good about myself all the time, except when I am at work, because I feel bad for not wanting to be around people! And that has been my problem from day one. I know when you are at work you are supposed to be social but I just CAN'T. It isn't my nature to be social.

And to make things worse I'm very good at what I do. I think the combination of being good at your job and not being social is a time bomb that can explode in your hands at any moment. People sooner or later are going to be jealous and will begin plotting against you (and that might seem paranoid but is the real truth, and I am a living proof of that!). I don't know but sometimes I find this whole situation hopeless.

If anyone has had a similar experience and wants to give some advice I'd be really grateful. Thanks for your time!

musiclover2410 wrote:And to make things worse I'm very good at what I do. I think the combination of being good at your job and not being social is a time bomb that can explode in your hands at any moment. People sooner or later are going to be jealous and will begin plotting against you (and that might seem paranoid but is the real truth, and I am a living proof of that!). I don't know but sometimes I find this whole situation hopeless.

I gotta disagree here.. being crap at your job is infinitely worse... that messes with your self-esteem. Not being social is going to bite you in the butt no matter what. I'm glad for you that you can recognize your good qualities.

I stopped doing my crap job. (Actually, I was really good at my crap job, too, perfectionistic standards have their benefits, but it sucked the life out of me.) Now I do the job that I was trained for, and I get to basically not interact with people unless I want to.

Absolutely, if you're good at your job you will attract attention. Because I've basically dropped out of the rat race, I'm spared the paranoid part of it now. But I can tell you, I was privy to how people worked behind the scenes, and definitely how socially adept someone was affected their jobs. Or maybe I just had a truly rotten boss. She would literally find a target, someone who worked in another department, and would go to all the department heads running the person down until they were finally fired. She'd go so far as to say "it's either me or them," and threaten to quit.

When I heard this every single day (the stress of it literally made me ill), I became quite paranoid about my job. I was doing something in the range of 15K keystrokes a day, all of them perfect (I was in accounting, I had to be perfect to the penny), and I still felt the machete at my throat.

I had another job before that where, believe it or not, I kept getting customer service awards. (I always put myself last and everyone else's needs first, obviously you get a reputation when you do that, fix everyone's problems with patience and faster than they thought possible, better than anyone else ever bothered to do.) One of my co-workers was heard - and reprimanded for - telling everyone he talked to to nominate him for an award. He couldn't stand that I was "beating" him.

Work sucks, there's no other way around it.