How to protect yourself againts insensitive remarks?

Hello Skyflyz, sorry about cracking that insensitive joke. I was trying to convey stupidity, but it backfired and may have sounded like sarcasm. What I really meant to say, was that your idea is excellent, and the reasoning posted below it is superb, considering its a complex concept. Thanks for the heads up with the CBT manual. I'm going to look into it because I'm kind of flying blind right now. My sincere apology.

NP PJ, I wasn't sure how you meant it and ironically, I may have gotten the impression I thought you were being sarcastic. I think I need to get back into the CBT workbook.

Have you ever had CBT?

Through my CBT I was asked to reassess my own 'rules' of how I think about myself. One of the things I came up with seems appropriate here: "people WILL have opinions but THEY are OFTEN WRONG".

As avoidants were kinda programmed to look for the negative about ourselves. We can feel insulted when there wasn't an insult. When, as in your instance we are genuinely insulted (or judged) it's extremely hurtful. I can totally understand how difficult it is to shake it off.

Again CBT taught me to do a thought challenge, to work through my feelings ...using EVIDENCE not feelings. This usually gets you to see things more rationally. In your case you may realise that it was a hurtful comment with no factual basis and it was made by a hurtful and insensitive person.

Hope this helps x

snookiebookie wrote:Have you ever had CBT?

Through my CBT I was asked to reassess my own 'rules' of how I think about myself. One of the things I came up with seems appropriate here: "people WILL have opinions but THEY are OFTEN WRONG".

As avoidants were kinda programmed to look for the negative about ourselves. We can feel insulted when there wasn't an insult. When, as in your instance we are genuinely insulted (or judged) it's extremely hurtful. I can totally understand how difficult it is to shake it off.

Again CBT taught me to do a thought challenge, to work through my feelings ...using EVIDENCE not feelings. This usually gets you to see things more rationally. In your case you may realise that it was a hurtful comment with no factual basis and it was made by a hurtful and insensitive person.

Hope this helps x

Yes, it helps a lot.
You are right. An insensitive remark can be intérpreted even worst than it is in reality and it has to do a lot with feelings and our self-image.
Said that, I think we have an instinct to predict if a person are doing the remark on purpose to cause damage. At least, this is my opinión.

Thank you for your reply.

twisterMind-

Said that, I think we have an instinct to predict if a person are doing the remark on purpose to cause damage. At least, this is my opinión.

I agree.
My opinion:
There is a power play going on between people esp with ignorant , weak people who's claim to power is at another's expense.
Such ignorant people sense vulnerability or sensitivity in another and often interpret even gentleness as weakness.
With such people one HAS to be
-assertive and let them know in some way you will not take s'hit from them or
- In a state of mind that is impervious to their remarks; medication , meditation , cultivating assertiveness ( somehow) ..all help.

At times i have had to take a valium on very vulnerable days when i felt I would crack / explode / go off / break down if people were nasty to me at work.
I found it soo interesting that when i was calm and relaxed from the valium I never seemed to attract the situations I dreaded so much.
In some way MY energy had changed and this changed the dynamic with others.
But then
A few months ago i resigned from a new job as nothing I did changed the dynamic between me and some bullies at work; not even valium . I could not hide my vulnerability from them. I tried to hide it but could not.
I take some satisfaction in that they needed me as a professional and in resigning I left them in the lurch ...BigTime. I needed that job and the money but I chose to go the poverty route if my resigning meant they would be more careful about treating another professional in such a manner.
I was more qualified than the b'itches in question and i know their behavior stemmed from jealousy and resentment. I had to rely on them to show me the ropes as it was a new scene for me and this for some reason made them feel they had power over me
yes i could have persisted and fought the battle and won ...but I am no longer prepared to expend energy on ignorant people.

Different situations call for different tactics.
Contemplating the others weakness eg WHY are they honing in on you with remarks? to gain a sense of power ? To camouflage their own low self esteem?
Understanding that it is a flaw in them of 'weakness' can help.

If it is someone you like and admire...that is tough. Sometimes deflection with humour is best in such cases...
If it is a work situation...just do what you are employed to do. Never do more or extra....people interpret this as an over willingness to please and therefore weakness...

Lucinda wrote:WHY are they honing in on you with remarks? to gain a sense of power ? To camouflage their own low self esteem?

You missed the scenario that this post was actually referring to: when someone points out something you didn't know about yourself, not out of maliciousness, but in the spirit of helping you understand yourself better.

There are two ways to respond in that scenario: throw a tantrum like a child because they're not telling you what you want to hear, or investigate it to see if it is true or not.

What is unacceptable is to then smear the person who said it to you in public, calling them "unworthy", despite years of friendship when they defended everything you said....

inverse wrote:

Lucinda wrote:WHY are they honing in on you with remarks? to gain a sense of power ? To camouflage their own low self esteem?

You missed the scenario that this post was actually referring to: when someone points out something you didn't know about yourself, not out of maliciousness, but in the spirit of helping you understand yourself better.

There are two ways to respond in that scenario: throw a tantrum like a child because they're not telling you what you want to hear, or investigate it to see if it is true or not.

What is unacceptable is to then smear the person who said it to you in public, calling them "unworthy", despite years of friendship when they defended everything you said....

jeez Inverse...I dont see how you could interpret it this way.
TM is self critical and reflective.
His post referred to non constructive judgement from another.
I dont see how anyone was smeared?? No names were mentioned and I do not know where you get the idea this person was a friend who defended everything he said???
I thought the post did refer to those who judge and criticise NOT from the motive of 'tough Love'

Anyway one of us has it wrong and it 'aint me

I am not sure anyone can claim to be right or wrong here. We don't have all the details, we don't personally know the two people involved, nor did we see the exchange so I don't think anyone's in a position to judge. [And Twistermind I wasn't trying to suggest you tell us - that's your private business]

Maybe we should try and get back to the topic - How to protect yourself against insensitive remarks? This thread is probably a good place to start

I don't like to argue. Some people are not open to a sincerity dialogue bc they sticked on their views. This is a sad condition common in each personality disorder. I have learnt that there is no point here.
So, Ronnie, I won't say anything else in this topic.

Thank you very much to Lucinda, Bovary, snookie, you and the rest posters.
It's an interesting topic but I quit it.

Hide away in your room and never see the light of day again?

For me, the criticisms burn away at me when I remember the times I have failed (which is a normal healthy part of the path to succeeding, for normal people) and people called me on it.

However - if the criticism is logical, constructive, and true - I say, fair point- if it's a character slight. If it's concerning my abilities it stunts my progress and I chalk it up to failure. It's hard to work with others when you're like this.

Rather than protect yourself against the possibility of it happening, which will result in you covering all bases by attacking yourself to save others doing so etc, making you beyond defensive and appearing mental, I would analyze the overall message being conveyed to you and the motives of the messenger. Well, try to, with your AvPD mind. It is difficult I know, when your mind deems everything a threat and you only feel the attack.

I am frequently accused of being insensitive myself - maybe it's overcompensating my timidness. I believe in honesty and being straight, and helping others when they are throwing the spanner in the works of their own lives, so I call a spade a spade. And I try to accept when I am hit with such home truths, which is actually easy for me as I analyze my behavior often and am naturally my own worst critic.

People don't tend to like it... and live through their struggles instead of changing or overcoming them... you know, things they actually could change... normal people...

So yeah - if you wanna protect yourself from it happening, hide away in your closet. If you wanna protect yourself from your self torture, I have no answers, sadly. When you find out please let me know.