How to protect yourself againts insensitive remarks?

Personally if the criticism is constructive and is about some work I've done, then I'm usually OK with it. But if it's on my character (appearance, how I act etc.), even if it's constructive, then it does really hurt. If the situation was embarrassing (like on a bus or in a store for example) then it's much worse and I never really forget it. I keep my distance from people who have hurt me emotionally (namely peers) but I'm also cautious about insensitive people in general, even if they haven't hurt me (yet), I'm sure they're thinking of some judgement against me though :/

Anyone who offers any kind of criticism without you asking for it is being judgemental. It is a very toxic behavior. Even if you clearly see what's wrong with someone, and it's very obvious, if they don't ask, it's not appropriate to bring it up.

I have a friend who is clearly BPD, very extreme behavior that consistently gets her in trouble but she has no awareness that these are HER issues and blames everyone else. I could explain it to her, but it's not my place to do so as she has never asked.

On the other hand, honest criticism, done in a healthy way, can be very insightful. For example, I just returned from talking to someone who I barely know but talk to for a little while every Sat morning. I asked him for his honest opinion about me and if I fell into the "normal range". He told me right off the bat that whenever I complain about something and he offers a solution, I immediately reject his solution. This is called Demand Resistance and is an OCPD trait. I just learned a couple weeks ago that I have OCPD but was rejecting the idea that I had Demand Resistance. But he's the 2nd person (the 1st being my psychologist) who's pointed out examples. So although the criticism hurts, I can now take this information and be more aware of my behaviors and stop engaging in toxic thinking patterns.

Now if someone is just being a ***** and criticizing you, that's abuse and it's best to just stay away from that person. If their criticism as no basis in reality, then it's not healthy at all. It's likely just abusive, to give themselves an ego boost. I have a lot of family who have done this to me. I had to limit contact with them.

Interesting, Agent!
Can you clarify a but moré about the Demand Recistance? I looked in the net and I still haven't see clear.

You pointed it out clearly, abuse. I think I'm being abused and as you say, distance is the best.

How do I protect myself? I turn it around and find out a reason why the person insulting me is doing so, something like they are jealous etc. Works for me, even if it isn't the truth.

skyflyz wrote:How do I protect myself? I turn it around and find out a reason why the person insulting me is doing so, something like they are jealous etc. Works for me, even if it isn't the truth.

Well, Sky, I think you are not very wrong. I was told recently that envy was the one that brings many problems and wars in the world. I think it's quite right.

Great Idea skyflyz, I consider lying to myself a most viable therapy.

Private Joker wrote:Great Idea skyflyz, I consider lying to myself a most viable therapy.

Er, well, that isn't exactly what I was trying to say. The fact is, we never really know why somebody would insult us. Why take the insult as the ultimate truth? There are choices we can make as far as why the person would insult us. The choice I make is not that I have whatever problem the person is insulting me about, but that they are insulting me for another reason, a reason having to do with their flaw, not mine. I could also choose to believe I am worthless, ugly, or whatever. That is a choice I do not make. It is not useful, just the opposite.

So I wouldn't say I lie to myself -- rather, in the absence of knowing the motivation from the insulter, I choose the most positive motivation for myself. It may be true or it may not.. just as the insult may be the truth or it may not. Even IF the insult is the truth from the POV of the insulter, it may not be the truth in the eyes of anybody else.

This is pretty much in line with the CBT in Seligman's workbook for "Learned Optimism". You take negative events and in the absence of knowing the "truth", assign the most positive reason for them. Quite a bit different from lying IMO. And the way I do it for myself may be completely different for somebody else.

But ultimately, I am more interested in feeling better about myself than in feeling morally superior for trying to seek the absolute truth (if such as thing even exists) in all matters.

Remember though - if someone tells you a fact or gives their opinion, you can't take them personally. The sky is blue - how can you take that personally?

It could be the way the message was delivered. That's when you look at why. Could be they know that you're in a fog and you need a really good shake up before you are able to see the facts of the matter.

I don't like insensitive remarks, but if well intentioned, I can be positively moved by some constructive remark.

It should be done in an appropriate moment, discretely (with no other people around) and taking time to express and explain things calmly. Then I can take it very well. It can even give me trust in the person, because he/she had the courage of being honest.

But this isn't at all insensitive.

I was a bit fool by asking the questions how to deal with insensitive remarks.
Well, not while bc it's true that I didn't know how to deal with them.

I can feel proud of myself that I'm learning to deal not only with insensitive remarks and valué judgement but also with lies. Here, no matter how the bad are the intentions of people, or if they have some psychological issues to cause this damage. I can understand but the hurt is made.

How to do it? Setting yourself in the most neutral and objetive view as possible, don't reply to provokative remarks, keep calm as much as possible only act to keep your rights safe in the most assertive way as possible.

I'm not gonna deny that I have a sick stomach for having to deal with this situation but there isn't another moré healthy way.

I hope this can help you if you, in the future have to face to a situation like this.